It has been said that marriage in this era is regarded as a relationship where one deserves to find love rather than a path for giving love.1When this expectation is not fulfilled to one’s satisfaction, many men and women feel justified in walking out on the relationship. Needless to say these days, a significant number of men and women simply co-habitat and never bother to marry legally, which makes splitting up even easier, since a permanent sense of commitment is lacking from the inception of the liaison. This is a reflection on what we have already discussed namely, the emphasis that our society places on self-fulfillment: its all about me. The institution of marriage is a God given plan and was intended from the very beginning to be between one man and one woman, for life. Hence, when one walks out on a marriage, or enters into a promiscuous relationship without any lifelong commitment intended — then the commandment of the Lord God is being broken.
“He (Jesus) said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.” (Matt 19:8, see also Mark 10:5).2
And Jesus went on to explain why divorce is so serious:
“And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” (v. 19). A clear case of breaking the commandment: “You shall not commit adultery” (Exod 20:14).
Sad to say that of all of God’s commandments, the one on the sanctity of marriage is the one most frequently broken by a vast number of people in our society.3If we accept the approximately 50% divorce rate as a reality, then just imagine what America would be like if the same rate of disobedience to the Lord’s commands applied to the commandments “You shall not murder” (Exod 20:13) or “You shall not steal” (Exod 20:15). Try to visualize a situation where half the people in America were murderers, or thieves; even in some of the most dangerous places in the world such drastic numbers don’t apply. The consequences of ignoring the commandment on marriage being a lifelong commitment have had an insidious effect on our whole society in terms of the social consequences. This result has created a whole generation of damaged lives, and a multitude of dysfunctional children. God gave the commandment on marriage not just for the sake of individual couples, but also as a bulwark to bolster the whole fabric of society. No one can doubt that when a marriage breaks down in our own community the consequences not only affects the pair involved, but often also the whole Ecclesial world far and near.
Surprisingly, in one recent survey noted in a previous article,4the most frequently cited reasons for seeking divorce were: “Growing Apart” cited by 55% and “Unable to Talk Together” by 52.7% of the respondents. This can compared with:
“Drug and Alcohol Problems” 22.3% and “Physical Violence” 12.7%. While the latter two reasons present extreme difficulties in a relationship5it would seem that the first two cited should be more amenable to a cure. Nevertheless, this is hardly trivial, because it has been my observation that these two most often cited reasons build up over many years. By the time the rupture in the marriage occurs, the chasm between the partners will often have grown so deep and wide that it is almost impossible to crossover and reach an accommodation. The best measure to prevent failure in the long term is to develop effective communication from the very beginning, starting during the courtship phase and, as occasions arise, being willing to do hard committed work to preserve the relationship throughout the entire course of a married lifetime. Simpatico is the word I will use for describing a close marital bond where open effective communication is the rule in the relationship and not the exception.
What do I mean by a couple being simpatico? The word obviously has been picked up from the Italian language, but without quite catching the full shade of meaning attached to it in that culture. The primary meaning is not “sympathy” as some English dictionary sources imply. Perhaps the best way to understand what this word represents in terms of marriage I will refer to a Scriptural definition rather than one from a language dictionary. Consider the following passages:
“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” and “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me” (Song 6:3, 7:10).
“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph 5:33).
It is all about mutual admiration, respect, companionship and friendship, or as sometimes poetically stated: two hearts beating as one. To develop and maintain such a close relationship in a marriage takes continual attention spread over a lifetime. The key to success is open communication. Other things that go into being simpatico are kindness, consideration, gentleness, forgiveness and recalling and practicing the same relationship standards that you both had when you were courting. Little things like remembering birthdays, anniversaries etc., and sometimes just bringing flowers or chocolates for her for no reason at all — except wanting to please her and showing appreciation. On her part it may involve preparing a special meal6or planning a weekend getaway for the two of you — such efforts are an integral part of being simpatico.
If effective communication is the key what does it unlock? We are all a product of our upbringing and all of us carry baggage into a marriage; some of it bright and shiny and other packages tarnished and dented. The lock is the one on the door to our inner most thoughts; that part of us which we often find so hard to share with another. Behind that door we concealed the baggage that carries our childhood fears, bad habits and inherited traits, good or bad. Consider the following Scripture:
“That they do good, that they be rich in good works, ready to distribute, willing to communicate” (1 Tim 6:18 KJV: see also Heb 13:16).
The ESV renders the last part of this verse as “…ready to share”, since the original Greek word for being communicative has a sense of one being a “sharer, companion, partner”.7Thus, the Apostle is exhorting us to doing good, being generous and willing to share what we have. What better way to put this into effect, first and foremost, than in a marriage? Doing this goes a long way to being simpatico. The things that need to be shared above all else are our thoughts, feelings, foibles, concerns, dreams, hopes and promises. It is unfortunate that so often we may feel our partner should know something — as if by osmosis! My observation is that my wife is far more sensitive to things and can catch on to a need or desire without a word being spoken between us. While I am often a clod! Maybe this is just us, but I have a feeling from long observation of other married couples that this may be a more general phenomenon; namely, women are often more sensitive and men often oblivious to the emotions and needs of their spouse. Obviously, there are probably many exceptions to these general conclusions, nevertheless I am fairly certain that if this were true in a relationship then it would behoove the wife to be more explicit in her wants and needs and the husband should train himself to actually listen!
Some very sound advice was given to the Ephesians: “Let no corrupt communication [“talk” in the ESV] proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (Eph 4:29 KJV). Communication can rarely be effective when the volume level between married partners exceeds the power of a Verdi triumphal chorus, or when it awakens half the neighborhood. Learning to “fair fight”, as most marriage literature describes it, can contribute immensely to solving conflicts without undue emotional distress. Here is where the Apostle’s advice about communication “…that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29) really comes into play. When an issue comes up that can lead to potential conflict, sometimes the best way to discuss it is to sit down with cups of coffee, or tea and a biscuit or two, and let your partner speak without interrupting. Furthermore, it doesn’t necessarily follow that if you are right, in the absolute sense of the word, or even if you think your way is more logical, it does not automatically make it a better spiritual solution. Recall, “love does not insist on its own way”8and rarely is there a perfect resolution to a problem anyway. Sometimes good enough is enough! This verse also highlights another aspect of becoming simpatico using our speech to edify, i.e. build up our partner not tear them down. There is nothing sadder than overhearing a couple verbally stab at each other with their tongues. Using the expression “you always do that” is another non-starter and reminding your partner of all their other faults that are not germane to the issue at hand will get one nowhere fast.
It is unrealistic to expect any marriage to sail along forever without hitting some rough waters from time to time. Conflict is part of our nature9and we need to recognize that, when this happens, we must not try to resolve it by destroying the character and ego of our partner. Only a person who has completely given up their own identity would be able to give in to every conflict that may arise in the course of two people living together. That’s a form of abuse and a subject for another article. One of the underlying reasons for conflict naturally comes from different relationship experiences we had while growing up. To cite a simple example, I personally was brought up in rather small city apartment with a mother who was an obsessive neatnik. If I didn’t clean up my desk before going to bed and forgot to put my homework away in my school bag I would wake to find that it had disappeared down the hallway incinerator. I remember vividly one teacher scoffing at that and telling me I needed a better excuse such as ‘the dog ate it’. Of course I didn’t have a dog, but the teacher relented his approbation after meeting my mother on open school night! Hence, I resolved when I went away to college that I would absolutely have the sloppiest room on campus. Now carry this over to my married life — what do I do but marry a nurse who is an obsessive-compulsive neatnik. (I guess it goes with her profession). No doubt I love her because she is a lot like my mother — including being a neatnik, though of course I didn’t really realize that until after we were married for a while. Now this was a situation ripe for conflict and to be frank it does rear its head from time to time even after 52 plus years of marriage. But we both, more or less, reached an accommodation on this issue 511/2 years ago (approximately) by Mary agreeing to stay away from my study area and me trying to remember to pick up all the stuff I seem to discard around the rest of the house (books, socks, newspapers, mail, notepaper, etc.).
Obviously, more serious issues can arise, and perhaps the worse is disagreements on how to handle the finances. Again accommodation and compromise are important. A couple that knows how to sit down and have effective communication about money matters can get through financial pitfalls — the alternative is often endless bickering that can end in the failure of the marriage. In the course of time, with patience and open discussion, the pair may find that one of the partners is far better at managing finances than the other — then it makes sense for that partner to be the primary planner and bill payer. In other marriages sharing responsibilities is the agreed mode, and the task of managing finances is a joint venture with various fiscal objectives divvied up according to interest and convenience (e.g. You take care of all the household bills, I’ll take care of travel, taxes, savings, etc.). Ultimately the most important decision that a couple has to make is to agree to live within their means (and this bears repeating again and again). Recall the injunction of the Apostle Paul:
“Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’ ”(Heb 13:5 also Phil 4:11 and 1 Tim 6:6, 8).
Some final thoughts on learning to be simpatico need to be said about what to do when an issue becomes so emotionally important to us that we get very angry. This is not the ideal, but I would indeed be extremely surprised if there is a marriage anywhere that never had a disruptive issue. The apostle recognized that “anger” is part of the human condition when he told the Ephesians: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph 4:26).
However, our Brother Paul also pointed out that there is a difference between being “angry” and having it lead to “sin”. While we might get our emotions riled up, a simpatico person doesn’t forget his or her love and commitment to the relationship. It is certainly not permissible to allow anger to lead to abusive behavior, be it physical or verbal. Sticking to the issue at any volume level is far better than remaining silent, and considering the Apostle Paul’s words about not letting the sun go down is very sage advice. The longer a divisive issue festers usually the worse the potential outcome. Sometimes the early intervention of a mediator may help resolve the issue. We will have more to say about conflict resolution and the role of the ecclesia in marriage counseling in later articles. But for the present it should be sufficient to say that third party intervention at an early date may be profitable if it is evident to a couple that an issue(s) has reached an impasse that can bring great harm to their relationship.
Next: “…a wise man listens to advice.”
- Fromm, E., The Art of Loving, Harper and Row, New York, 1956.
- All references are from the ESV, except as noted.
- There is no intent here to take a position that divorce should never happen under any circumstances. What is laid out here is the ideal.
- USA Today, September 28, 2011.
- The issues of addictions and physical violence will be treated in a later article.
- No intent here to be gender stereotyped here, because in our household I do the cooking and would be more likely to prepare the “special” meal (which would involve any of her favorite Pasta dishes, for example!).
- See Strong’s number 02844.
- 1 Cor 13:5.
- Rom 7:19.
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One