As long as you both shall love
A few years back my wife and I attended a lovely garden wedding of a colleague where the young couple exchanged vows with the Minister ending his performance with the phrase “as long as you both shall love”. We looked at each other with expressions of dismay and disbelief. We were both thinking, virtually simultaneously, did we really hear that right! We remembered very well that when we took our wedding vows in 1959 the presiding brother ended with his prayerful blessing and the final words as long as you both shall live. This points out the dramatic change that has taken place in the philosophy that many young people enter into marriage in this 21st century. There was a time when marriage was viewed not only as a contract between a man and a woman, but also as a solemn vow taken before the Lord God. The teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ with regard to the sanctity of marriage were taken very seriously — “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matt 19:6 ESV)
This view has virtually disappeared in our society. Some sociologists date it to the new freedoms granted woman that developed during WWII when so many found it necessary to work for the war effort. This created the start of a very different cultural stance on the permanence of marriage since women began to realize they could have independence and didn’t have to rely on a man to support them. Others date it to the Vietnam War era and the whole flower child, free love, environment that was spawned by that debacle. There can be no question that the ubiquitous so-called middle age itch, that finds some men wanting fancy sports cars and a younger trophy wife, became a cliché precisely because it does frequently happen. The corresponding mid-life crisis for the married woman often coincides with the empty nest syndrome, where children are now grown and out of the home. They then, perhaps for the first time in years, turn around and look at their husbands and find a boring companion, several pants sizes larger than on their wedding day. They think of all their unfulfilled dreams that they imagine can only be accomplished by striking out on their own, or in the parlance of some social studies, by finding their own space sans husband. There are obviously many other reasons for a marriage to fail to last a lifetime; in fact it has been said that there are as many varied reasons1as there are couples that divorce. Regardless of how or when this decline in regarding marriage vows as a sacred lifelong commitment started to happen, it is clear that this behavior is progressively encroaching more and more into our own community. The prevailing culture, in general, has come to regard marriage as an open-ended contract between two people that can be terminated by either party whenever they might find themselves being no longer happy in the relationship.
The teaching of Christ
Personal happiness and self-fulfillment is not necessarily a bad thing, but when it is the only thing in a relationship one can be pretty sure disaster is pending. The idea of “me first” became so prevalent towards the end of the 20th century that a whole era that created that attitude became known as the “me” generation. We seem to still be living with that mantra being the guiding principle in how many people view their role in entering into a marriage. Contrast this to the teaching of Jesus Christ, “If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet” (John 13:14 ESV). As also in “And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant” (Matt 20:27 cf Mark 10:44). Consider also, the exhortation of the Apostle Paul “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful” (1Cor 13:4,5 ESV). One could cite many other examples from the gospels and the epistles where it is very clear that the selfish emphasis on “me, me, me” is the antithesis of the New Testament message on how one should approach relationships and this must especially be the case for a marriage partnership. If both partners approaching a marriage would take the view that was espoused to the Philippians: “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves” (Phil. 2:3), a whole different dynamic would occur. The emphasis would then be on pleasing one another rather than on only satisfying one’s self. We can gain some further insight on what kind of relationship we should aim for in entering into a marriage by looking at the ultimate example given in the Scriptures, that of the bridegroom’s, our Lord Jesus Christ, feelings towards his espoused bride, the Ecclesia of the living saints (Cp. Rev. 19:7 which presents us with this husband/wife metaphor.
Jesus Christ is the ultimate example of total commitment; if this were not the case then all hope for us would be lost. Can we honestly imagine Jesus forsaking us? The Apostle Paul certainly could not; consider what he told us “..walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Eph 5:2 ESV, cf Heb 9:14, 10:10). Continuing in that chapter, the Apostle tells us that we should be “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (v.21). The emphasis here is thus upon mutual submission to each other. Commitment cannot be a one-way street. I have observed over and over again that successful, happy marriages are ones in which both partners have total commitment to the relationship, to what at one time was styled “forsaking all others”. Can we imagine Christ being unfaithful to us? Hardly. Neither should one enter into a marriage with any less commitment than the vow one took at Baptism, which when properly understood was a promise that we would do our very best to serve our Lord God and follow in the footsteps of His son the Lord Jesus Christ as long as we should live.
A true marriage
One cannot leave the writings of Paul to the Ephesians without commenting on the fact that many modern Bible critics consider him to be a misogynist. These critics fasten their ire on v. 22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” and equate it as akin to slavery. What they overlook is the context of mutual submission that precedes this passage. They also fail to properly interpret the verse that follows with respect to the proper attitude for the husband where the Apostle says: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (v. 25 ESV). If a husband treated a wife as Christ loved the Ecclesia and sacrificed himself for it then such a husband would indeed be a servant to his spouse. There is nothing one sided about the Apostle’s advice. The Holy Spirit inspired his words and we know that the Scriptures teach; “… there is neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal 3:28 ESV). Successful couples are mutually committed to their relationship with all the emotional strength that they are capable of giving. I have observed that such couples have a liaison that can be best described as a mutual admiration society. As I once heard a Sister remark about a couple she particularly admired — such a husband and wife metaphorically act as if “they were joined at the hip”.
If one expects a lifelong relationship to glow with the same aura as one’s initial reactions to falling in love, then one is in for inevitable disappointment. Life has a way of throwing many roadblocks into a marriage that can cause it to crash. The only thing that is certain is uncertainty; as the years go by unexpected challenges will occur that can cause a crisis in the relationship. Events such as job losses, job transfers for either partner, piled up debts, children and child rearing conflicts, in-law problems, schooling failures, conflicting goals, serious illness, disappointed dreams, abusive behavior, addictions, flirtations and others too numerous to mention can all derail a marriage. The question arises, how can I know in advance if my partner will be committed as much to our relationship as I am and willing and able to work through any challenges to arrive at mutually compatible solutions? The answer is that it is difficult if not impossible to predict with absolute confidence the response of the partners in a marriage to difficult challenges that could possibly come years in the future. BUT, it is possible to assess the kind of emotional resources a potential partner may have within them for dealing with unforeseen problems. There are at least three key qualities that help a relationship survive or even thrive when faced with disruptive issues. They are: the degree of dedication, ability to find accommodations, and willingness to compromise.
Let’s consider briefly each of these three key qualities in terms of assessing a potential lifetime partner.
Too many people have such stars in their eyes when they fall in love that they fail to step back and impartially evaluate all the qualities of their potential mate. Even worse, they may even come to a realization about serious faults only to convince themselves that they can change him or her! Such changes rarely happen.
Observing that your prospective partner is dedicated to the Ecclesia is a good starting point for consideration. If baptismal vows before God, and our Lord Jesus, are not taken seriously why would one expect such a person to be dedicated to the vows taken to his or her spouse? If a person has trouble holding down a job, or being dependable and reliable in many big or even little ways, during the dating regime, why would they be better after marriage? Dedication to the relationship is critical to a happy marriage.
The ability to reach accommodation and compromise is also a must for success. It is almost impossible for two people to come into a relationship with such total compatibility that there is never any possible chance of future conflict (in spite of the implications of many Internet dating services that appear to guarantee perfect harmony). The major route to overcoming conflict is for the persons involved in a partnership to reach accommodation and compromise as situations arise. How does this work and what is the difference between accommodation and compromise? Basically accommodation means I don’t like it, but I can live with it without making a fuss. Compromise means each partner going part way to reach a solution that is somewhere in between the extremes that either one envisaged when the conflicted issue arose. To cite a simple example – suppose the woman wants to go to an opera and the man prefers to go to a jazz concert. Neither really likes the other’s taste, but one path to reach an accommodation would be something like – she being willing to attend his jazz concert while he agrees to going along with her to the opera (neither necessarily has to like or appreciate the accommodation they need only endure it without complaint and they may even learn to enjoy the experience). Compromise, given the same scenario, might go something like – forget the opera and the jazz concert, let’s find something we both like, and in the end they might go to a movie or a play instead. This is, of course, only a rudimentary illustration; there are many other possible ways of reaching accommodation and compromise in various situations. The critical issue is that “…(love) does not insist on its own way” (1 Cor. 13:5 ESV) and if one finds that a prospective partner is often unwilling to accommodate or compromise with your wishes then that is a danger signal that should not be ignored.
Next: Having Realistic Expectations.
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One