What attracts a man to a woman and vice versa? This has been considered one of the great mysteries of life. We are told in Proverbs that “There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not:…… the way of a man with a maid” (Prov 30:18-19). With the exception of Adam and Eve, every man and woman has had options. The mystery is exactly how does one decide to make a particular choice? This has been the subject of many sociological studies. The mere fact that there is not a definite answer that even the so-called experts agree upon, is testimony enough as to the enduring validity of the insight of the Proverbs. But that doesn’t mean we cannot try to put some sense into our relationships, and use the Word of God to provide us guidelines as to how to do our best to make a wise choice. Certainly that is what many Internet dating services claim to do, by putting on file your personality profile and selling you their ability to match you with the perfect choice for a lifelong companion!
In our society today the norm for providing a means for “boy meets girl” revolves around the custom of “dating” whereby men and women are involved with a number of prospective mates until such time as they say in romance novels that “they find their soul mate” — whatever that means! The custom of “dating” is actually a rather new social invention going back approximately 100 years and is still not generally the custom in many areas of the world. For thousands of years previously the decision on who to marry were almost exclusively family-to-family decisions, and the couples involved were expected to live with that decision. This happened not just in Royal families, where dynastic and political considerations governed (as was clearly the case in the large retinue of wives King Solomon collected), but also even in the humblest of families until relatively recent times. The idea is that the wisdom and experience of parental elders were far more reliable in picking a suitable mate for their children, than the whim of the youngsters themselves. Naturally those days are gone forever in our society, and I doubt that the parents arranged your marriage for most of my married readers. Moreover, it is probable that in at least a significant number of cases either or both sets of parents may not have completely approved of the choice of marriage partners of their offspring.
Even more challenging is how much the dating scene has changed in the last 10 years or so. In the past, most dating arrangements were made by parents, relatives, friends, colleagues, or in clubs, churches, workplace, etc. where there was at least some prior pool of personal knowledge. This would lead both parties to think that there would be some degree of compatibility in dating each other. It didn’t always work, but clearly the model was (and still mostly is) that unmarried men and women are in an “open market” whereby they try to find the most suitable mate possible, given what they have to offer. This model has changed somewhat in recent years by the advent of the Internet whereby youngsters (and oldsters for that matter) can connect via Chat rooms, Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, various dot-com dating services, etc. Recent statistics have revealed that approximately 20% of newly married couples have initially met through some sort of Internet media.1Internet dating services work on the principle of “like marries like”, and generally give much less weight to the other old adage that “opposites attract.”
These two broad models of attraction will be considered in detail in what follows. In Song 2:2 we read — “As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.” Solomon’s words make it clear that physical attraction is an important aspect for falling in love with someone. The model for that attraction in times past was based on a limited set of data usually revolving around our family, friends, and neighbors in one’s village. It is not by accident that, in these circumstances, many men married women somewhat in the image of their mothers, and women in the image of their fathers. However, with the vast increase in media over the past century this has changed drastically, and the standard for beauty has expanded far more than the poetic “lily among thorns.” When one observes the beauty personified in magazines, TV, Hollywood, Internet, etc. most of us cannot measure up. Having such unrealistic expectations can lead one to incredibly impossible requirements for selecting a mate, and in the long run in staying committed to a marriage. The average American female, in the age range 20 to 74 years old, is 5 feet 4 inches tall and weighs 160.3 lbs — contrast this to the average for female models where 5 feet 10 inches tall and 115 lbs is the norm. For men the situation is slightly closer to reality, with the average height 5 feet 91/2 inches tall and weight of 191 lbs, but most men would still not pass a model agencies’ job selection, since they all like their men over 6 feet tall, much slimmer and better looking too!2My point here should be obvious — modern society engenders unrealistic expectations in us, in terms of purely physical attributes. This can blind us to the more spiritual qualities that serve to bind two people together in a life-long happy marriage. Looks may be an initial at tractor, but without exception they will eventually fade. It has been said that every man marries a woman he hopes will never change (in terms of beauty) and a woman marries a man she hopes she can change (in terms of character), and both are invariably disappointed!
What then should one be looking for in a mate? There is no magic formula that can tell anyone who is the perfect “someone” for him or her, but the scriptures give us some excellent guidelines. This focuses on the moral character that we should search out in a person that we would consider for a potential mate. First and foremost is a love for the Word of God. The Psalmist David wrote: “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night” (Psa 1:1-2, ESV). There are several very important keys here to look for not only in a suitable mate, but also as a guide in refining our own character. After all, the better person we are ourselves the more likely we will be to attract a person of high moral standards. If someone delights in the “law of the LORD”, isn’t that exactly the type of person a God-fearing individual would want as a friend? One should shy away from anyone who keeps company with people of bad character, which is exactly what it means if one walks in the counsel of the wicked and associates with sinners and scoffers. If you catch someone in a lie, or find they have an ill temper, or are prone to substance abuse — these are character flaws that are unlikely to improve, and one had best avoid such a person. This is not to say that forgiveness is impossible, but for every rehabilitated abusive person there are plenty who only get worse once they are in a marriage.
The apostle Paul tells us to marry “…only in the Lord” (1 Cor 7:39). He didn’t have to belabor the point because the Old Testament made it clear that to marry out of the household of faith was an offense against God (cf. Ezra 10 and Neh 13, for example). How pagan women such as Jezebel, Delilah, and the many alien wives of Solomon had perverted their mates were no doubt stories familiar to the apostle’s audience, and they should be to us. It is a sad ending indeed to read of Solomon that when he was old “his wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God” (1 Kgs 11:3-4). The command to marry only in the household of faith was not given to us to make life hard, but in fact to make our walk to the kingdom easier. When a household is united in the faith there are a mutual support and working relationship that help us lead godly lives, and moreover, if the couple is blessed with children, create a sound environment for bringing them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph 6:4). However, finding the right partner in the faith is not a trivial task, especially in our small community of believers. How do you maximize your opportunities for success in finding a true marriage partner?
It probably should be obvious that the law of averages is in our favor. The more times we try something, generally the better will be our chances for success. Thus we maximize our chances of finding the right someone, if we look only for someone who is first and foremost a faithful and dedicated believer in the things concerning Jesus Christ. This must be true for us first, in addition to whatsoever other standards we may be looking for, whether consciously or unconsciously. Thus, if one is blessed to be in an area where there is a large ecclesial presence, with well-run and strongly supported CYC activities, it would be extremely wise for parents to see that their children attend at every possible opportunity. Similarly, attending Bible schools, CYC gatherings, campaigns, and study weekends should certainly fill a young person’s calendar, for this is where there is a chance of meeting a wide array of suitable young people. And today, the various media available to us such as Facebook and Internet Chat Rooms can be a vice, or can be a great vehicle for our young people to get to know each other whether near and far. However, a word of caution is unfortunately also necessary here. Parents should carefully monitor such usage, and it is also important for ecclesias to educate their young people. There are many excesses leading to sinfulness that are possible in misusing the plethora of modern media. Today it is possible to view on your cell phone, tablet, or computer such things that were once relegated to proverbial red light districts of society. We need to shun such evils for they make a mockery of the Truth — “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness” (Rom 1:18).
Not everyone is blessed by living in such relatively ideal ecclesial surroundings. Even if living in an area with a large ecclesial presence, one may still not be able to meet a potential mate that satisfies all of one’s longings. Also, sometimes it is just plain difficult with someone you have grown up with as a friend, to suddenly regard him or her as a romantic companion, and instead one ends up treating him or her as virtually a blood sibling. The reality is that we are a small community, and we are not a monastic or insular group that has totally isolated ourselves from the world in the manner, for example, of the Amish (cf. 1 Cor 5:10). The fact is that even in one area of North America where there is a large ecclesial presence, with a large array of CYC activities, and a bountiful number of Sunday school scholars — when I actually did the numbers I found nearly half the married couples had a partner who had come from outside our community. There are also a large number of areas with small, somewhat isolated ecclesias where it is nearly impossible to have much more than fleeting opportunities to meet other young Christadelphians. Moreover, not everyone has the financial resources available from family, or self, to take advantage of all the places one might travel to meet others of like mind. If one is brought up in a household where only one parent is a Christadelphian it can be doubly difficult to take advantage of the broader opportunities available at Bible schools, gatherings, etc. Finally, there is just the simple perversity of the human spirit that makes it a mystery of what attracts a man to woman and vice versa. A mother or father (or both) might feel there are a dozen nearby eligible suitors for their child that would make an ideal mate, only to find their child is completely oblivious. What is one to do then when one finds an attractive companion, who is of interest romantically and who is not a member of our community?
The best advice I have seen for this situation is: “the introduction of one’s spiritual interest in the faith should be made at the start of a friendship, and its overwhelming importance for you should be emphasized. The danger of friendships outside the Faith is that one’s hope of the Kingdom may not be revealed until one is emotionally deeply involved…”3By then it may be too late to be convincing to the friend, and even more sadly we may find ourselves too weak spiritually to follow the right course. The consequences of our failure to speak out early and plainly is that we could find ourselves in for a lifetime of being unequally yoked to an unbeliever (2Cor 6:14).4
The actions of the ecclesia of the young person involved with someone outside the household of faith can often make all the difference on whether or not that person responds to the Word of God, instead of taking the modern attitude of “you do your thing and I’ll do mine.” An ecclesia that provides a loving and friendly atmosphere to visitors is an important aspect of someone feeling comfortable in exploring the Truth further. The same can be said for CYC activities. One shouldn’t expect an outsider to come to a Christadelphian CYC exhibiting all our norms of behavior, be it showing up without a head-covering for women (if that is the local custom); or more challenging, to cite one possible example, the visitor displaying multiple tattoos and piercings!5It takes wise spiritual leadership of CYC activities to make the outsider welcome regardless of whether or not that person meets our norms.
That will come with time if the person is truly interested; if not, the behavior of the person will be manifest to the Christadelphian companion, and they should be trusted to make a wise choice for themselves.
Next: Guideline Number 2: Making love last.
- U.S.A. Today.
- Data from the Center for Disease Control, 2002 and the “The Professional’s Guide to Modeling.”
- The New Life, no. 11-Courtship, John Marshall, The Christadelphian Magazine, Vol. 106, 1969.
- A subject of a later essay will deal with the situation when one partner is not in the household of Faith.
- James 2:1-9 is a good guide to how we ought to behave in such circumstances.
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One