The previous article in this series1established that we must forgive; for example:
“And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors… For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt 6:12, 14-15).
This article looks at some common objections we may harbor about forgiveness. Whether or not forgiveness is in play in our lives propels us toward either life or death. Forgiveness practiced in our lives will even guide us to abundant life right now. Forgiveness unpracticed can even, right now, be a living death. “First principles” have been described as doctrines that concern matters of life and death — very important to get right — or else. Although not listed in the articles of the Statement of Faith, the concept and practice of forgiveness appears, from the Bible record, to be so close to the heart and intent of God for us that it really should be a top-of-the-list first principle.
In the spirit of living forgiveness, though, it is important to acknowledge that anybody can be easily confused about forgiveness. After all, forgiveness is God’s idea. We aren’t Him and we do get confused. For example, one common misconception is that forgiveness can be blocked by insurmountable obstacles.
Forgiveness versus reconciliation
A general description of forgiveness myths would include the following misconceptions:
- there are some situations where forgiveness is really not mandated; and
- something has to happen first before we can forgive.
Let’s remember the definition of forgiveness. In an earlier article2we saw that the Biblical meaning of forgiveness is “taken up and carried away”; for example:
“Who is a God like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? he retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in mercy. He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea” (Mic 7:18-19).
Are you ready for the clinical definition of forgiving? Here goes:
“People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right), and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love (to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right).”
Phew, that was long. Here’s a more concise version: “giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.” It is useful to revisit these definitions because forgiving someone does not require anything of anyone else or anything external to happen. It is all about you. You do not need cooperation from anyone to do this.
This is the first big point: Reconciliation does indeed take two to pull off. In contrast, forgiveness just takes you.
These concepts are easily confused. We often get reconciliation and forgiveness all mixed up. When we practice forgiveness, we may well end up unable to reconcile, but, if we mix them up we can end up blocking out the option of forgiving. How would you like it if your adversary said this to you: “I’m going to make you disobey God because I am not going to be sorry for what I did, apologize to you or give you any slack. In fact, I’ll hurt you more, and so you will not be able to forgive me and you will be toast at the Judgment Seat”? This is a nearly perfect example of where reconciliation probably should never occur, but should that prevent you from forgiving them? Some people have been awfully, genuinely cruel to us. Forgiving them is essential whether or not reconciliation is an option. The truth is you are not commanded to complete a successful reconciliation. In fact, forgiving may not include reconciling with the person. (More on reconciliation later; it really is another subject.)
This article does not want to deprive you of the lovely effects that forgiveness will serve up to you in even the most toxic and destructive situations. Willfully abandoning resentment and all the venom it poisons us with is the best spiritual goal in such cases. Carrie Fisher said it powerfully: “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”. Forgiving others is being nice to yourself.
Myths of forgiveness
Here are a few additional myths in this category:3Myth: If they do not repent, I should not forgive.
Myth: Forgiving will not make the other person change their behavior; therefore it is a waste of time. I want them to change and apologize before I forgive them.
You can see, there is nothing in any definition that requires something of the offender. These are myths!
Is there anything else the offender can do to thwart you forgiving them? What if they are dead? Is it now impossible to forgive them? Of course not. Is it possible not even to know who the person is? Let’s say someone breaks into your home and steals an heirloom of your mother. This violation could fill the calmest person with rage. You don’t even know who they are! Yes, you can forgive them too.
So please, do not let externals keep you from this God-like trait of forgiving! Forgiving does not imply forgetting
Another mythical area alluded to earlier is that to forgive is to pretend it never happened. Here are a few such myths from the full list you can get on the website:
Myth: Forgiveness means rebuilding the relationship.
Myth: Forgiving someone means allowing them to hurt you over and over.
Myth: Forgiveness requires release from consequences.
Myth: Forgiving is ignoring sin.
Myth: The result of forgiveness is we can now trust the offender.
There are more; this is just a sample from the list. Forgiving is actually learning. The clinical definition mentions “moral love.” Is not this the essence of agape love? It is a thought-driven love from which pleasant emotions can flow; it is not an emotion or erotic-driven response. Giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me does not mean I put myself in a spot to endlessly see the violation continue.
From its core meaning of “taking up and carrying away”, “forgiving” is engaging in a process of regarding the violation less and less over time, and at the same time regarding the offender apart from their offence. If the offender is in your face repeating the offence, you will not be regarding the violation less and less nor will you be able to regard the offender apart from their offence. Consent for repetition of the offence will not be helping you or the offender.
Here’s a verse to help:
“Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil 3:13-14).
At first glance one could think Paul was telling us to forgive and forget. Does it say to forget what happened? This verse is saying something more complete than that: move forward and leave the other things behind. This is the same exhortation we find in letter to the Hebrews:
“Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Heb 12:1-2).
You need to leave some things behind in order to move forward. Leaving things behind does not imply being passive or victim-like. Rather, it is actively moving on to the high calling, factoring in enough of the past so you do not go that way again. Amnesia doesn’t teach anything, but processing things that happen does. If you have not changed your focus from rage, resentment, and hurt to free yourself to go in another direction, then moving forward is hard, if not impossible. Suggestions on ways to learn from the past and move happily forward are scheduled for a later article in this series.
Forgiving does not imply approving bad behavior
In this same vein, sometimes we think that forgiving someone is being weak and wimpy, or letting them get away with it. Here are some myths in this area:
Myth: If I forgave, I’d be letting that person off the hook.
Myth: Offering forgiveness implies that what the other person did was OK. Myth: Forgiveness is a sign of weakness.
These fallacies are easy to identify as myths until we are personally in a forgiveness situation. Then the myth turns real and we don’t think that person deserves our forgiveness. In the pain of our own hurt it seems so unfair that not only did we suffer the violation, now it seems, we have to suffer through forgiving them. Why do I have to do all the work? To snap us out of such poor thinking, we only need to thank God that He does not treat us that way. Yes, this is your time to be good to yourself and learn about God’s character. Yes, it isn’t fair, but it is mercy, mercy to you! Yes, it pleases God when we turn to Him in our suffering. He is the Great Character Surgeon and Healer.
Forgiving is a process
Here are a few myths to finish with:
Myth: Forgiveness is merely an act or a decision.
Myth: Forgiveness is always easy.
Myth: Forgiveness can’t be repeated.
Myth: I only need to forgive someone once. Any future negative feelings are to be ignored.
The answer to these misconceptions is: forgiveness is a process.
“Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him” (Luke 17:3-4).
Oh yes, someone steps on your toe and they say they are sorry and you hug and all is forgotten. But when speaking of offences that are bigger than that, it is going to be work, prayer, work, prayer to forgive them. You may have it all processed out of your life and then by chance you see them drive by in their car and wham, it all comes crashing back. A reaction is to beat yourself up and feel like a failure, but remember it’s a process and you are doing really well “reaching forth unto those things which are before” (Phil 3:13). So now the violation is in front of you again. This is the good news: you will find it easier to recuperate the ground lost because you have already done the work.
Conclusion
This topic is in reality a positive exhortation because the result of fighting through the myths of forgiveness is to emerge from life’s trials into freedom. These myths grip us and wrestle us to the ground. Life in Christ, in which we are encouraged to turn over the hurts and burdens to the one who bore all sins, is liberating. It is giving up some rights, especially the right to hurt someone who has hurt you. But it is also God pardoning our death penalty for sin to grant us His awesome Kingdom and a victorious life even now. Myths: No! Be good to yourself: Yes!
- “Forgiveness (3),” Tidings, May, 2012.
- “Forgiveness (2),” Tidings, March-April, 2012.
- A more complete list of forgiveness myths is available on the Tidings website (tidings. org).
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One