“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” After six verses of powerful exhortation to wives. Peter now turns to the husbands. But the opening word to the wives was also “Likewise, ye wives . . .” (1 Peter 3:1). So one must
go back further in the epistle to see the beginning point for the basis of comparison. It is found in verse 18 of chapter 2: “Servants be subject to your masters . . . Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your husbands . . . Likewise, ye husbands . . . “. The overall theme is submission and actually begins in 2:13 with the exhortation to submit to the ordinances of men. Therefore while it is true that wives are to be in subjection to their husbands, it is also true that husbands are to submit their own selfish interests to the wellbeing of their wives.
At first it would appear that Peter’s treatment of domestic relations is unbalanced with six verses (3:1-6) devoted to wives and only the one (3:7) concentrating on husbands. The balance is rectified however, by the penetrating power of each phrase in verse seven. It will also become evident that while verse 8 through 12 are addressed to all in Christ, they have particular application to husbands in their domestic relations. So the husband is given ample reproof, correction and instruction in righteousness in this passage.
Dwell With Them
For those who still use the AV (as does the author), this phrase is one (of many) which rewards the decision. Several modern versions translate “dwell” as “live” and gloss over the fact that the Spirit has here used a particular and peculiar word. The Greek is Sun-Oikeoo a word which combines SUN “with, together” and Oikeoo “dwell, live”. This is the only place the word is used in the New Testament. OIKEOO is used elsewhere and the point of “dwelling with” one’s wife appears in 1 Corinthians 7:12-13. But this particular word is used only here. Now why is that? I submit it is to emphasize the exhortation that is set forth. “You married her, now don’t just reside with her in the same house, rather truly dwell together with her.” It is, in other words, an admonition to fulfill the basic intent of leaving father and mother and cleaving to a wife.
The husband is not truly dwelling with his wife when he dashes home from work, gulps down a meal, and rushes out for an evening of activity night after night. Some men marry a woman to whom they are attracted but never break off their association with “the boys.” This is a recipe for marital failure. Some men work two jobs and so are seldom home; some choose jobs which keep them on the road all week. Some use ecclesial activities as a means of escaping the domestic scene.
Some men are in the house but might just as well be miles away. They show the back of a paper rather than their own face to their wives. They disappear into the basement, or the study or a workshop or in the garden hour after hour, day after day, so that their wives and children hardly know they are home.
But this is not the idea of marriage. This is not “dwelling together” with one’s wife; this is not “cleaving” to another person so that two become one.
If the elaboration of this point strikes a familiar chord, what do we do about it? There are some things that can be done.
Primarily the girl we married is one whose company we enjoyed while we were courting. Because of common interests and outlooks, we enjoyed doing things together. Her personality interacted agreeably with ours so that we found her a pleasant companion. If we only married her because of physical attraction, we have a problem! It is not an insurmountable one, but it is a danger about which every young man should be cautioned. Over the long term, physical beauty has a way of fading, while beauties of the mind and spirit and character have a way of growing. The young man who marries for physical attraction alone is going to have more difficulty in becoming truly one with his partner than the man who has married on the basis of physical, and personal, and intellectual, and most importantly, spiritual compatibility.
One of the keys to truly cleaving together is to stay involved in one another’s activities. This should not be too difficult if we have several things in common right from the start of our marriage. When, for example, the husband is working on an ecclesial pursuit, whatever it be, committee work or exhortation or Bible class paper, he can seek his wife’s involvement. She can make phone calls or type agendas or a paper or look up passages on a certain point. If there is a household project to be done, his wife can be asked to pick up material or can act as assistant on the job. She can be kept informed of the situation at work so she can empathize with that area of her husband’s activity. The husband can deepen his knowledge of her special interests so he can converse intelligently about them. And children provide a natural area of common concern provided the husband becomes involved with them.
Many a man would leave the children to the mother and be free of their sometimes irritating, messy and excitable ways. But a father brings to the situation an understanding of some circumstances which may surpass that of his wife; he may well be able to help in certain areas of schooling, he may better diagnose certain ailments, he may be of essential help in times of mother’s illness or simply in the normal handling of family circumstance. Furthermore it is the father’s ultimate responsibility to lead the children in paths of righteousness. He needs to educate them in the Truth, talk to them by the way and encourage them through all problems to look to the hope that lies ahead. To do this he needs to be involved with the children and in so doing he will find a great area of common interest which will bind him to his wife.
There are times when a brother legitimately needs to “disappear” to work, for example, on Bible study. However there are some things that he can do even in this circumstance to encourage the family bond. The door to his study area can be kept open so his wife and children can come in and out to talk with dad. Occasionally they may have to wait for him to finish a point but most times he can easily break off to answer a question or share a comment without ruining a train of thought. Sometimes it is possible to deliberately work in the same area of the house or yard where the rest of the family is congregated. In so doing, the husband serves to weld the family unit by his very presence. Then there is the skill of studying with a baby balanced on one’s knee. It is amazing what can be done, even to keep them from grabbing hold of Bible pages, if one is determined to develop a closeness with the child and the family. Of course, there is always the option of rising (in the tradition of the Lord and the faithful men of old) and studying in the quiet of early hours when the husband is free from distractions but is not taking himself from the family.
There is much to think about in this instruction “dwell with”. We are to ‘cleave to” our spouse, actively seeking that two lives might be bound together as one.
According to Knowledge
This short phrase makes a penetrating point.
The dwelling of a husband with his wife is to be governed by his knowledge of right principles, not by his emotions. His natural feelings may at times be full of bitterness and resentment. They may at times be full of tenderness and desire. But his emotions are not to be the determinants of his conduct.
The believing husband knows he is to act towards his wife as Christ does towards the ecclesia. He knows he is to have a largeness of heart, a compassion of spirit; he knows he is to be tender and courteous. This knowledge is to determine his conduct.
The point made in verses 9 through 11 strikes on an area that is a most common problem in this regard. Many a brother faces trying situations in his work-a-day world. He may experience unjustified criticism or unfounded accusations: he can have associates who out of envy slander his reputation or out of laziness take advantage of his diligence. He might have subordinates who cover their own incompetence with unreasonable complaints. And the brother may have responded well to these provocations. He may have responded with a soft answer seeking peace and pursuing it with admirable tact and quiet reason.
In the confines of his own home, however, the same brother may make little attempt “to refrain his tongue from evil.” He may regularly render “evil for evil or railing for railing” when provoked by his wife. But the brother knows that the standards of Christ do not ordain one level of conduct for outside the home and a lower one for inside. He can feel more in control at home; he can be less fearful of adverse consequences to an angry outburst; his emotions might run higher in family matters. Yet all of these carnal factors are not to govern his conduct with his wife. Spiritual knowledge, not natural impulse, is to determine his domestic behavior as well as his conduct outside the home.
As wives are directed to consider the example of Sarah, so husbands would do well to look to Abraham. When his wife uttered bitter complaint, he did not respond in kind. He sought rather a way of conciliation and of peace (Gen. 16:5-6).
Refraining the tongue from domestic evil is but one example of the problem. Husbands should weigh their behavior in matters of consideration, honesty, appreciation and all of the virtues that make up the knowledge of the glory of God. In all areas of conduct, the husband is exhorted by the Spirit to dwell with his wife according to godly “knowledge.”
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One