In illustrating the method of applying divine principles to practical situations, we first considered the matter of sex and marriage. We now consider a second issue that is a troubling one in today’s world.
Parents And Teenagers
Having talked to many Christadelphian young people about their relationship with their parents, this matter seems to be one of the biggest problems of the teen years. There is no set of divine rules to govern this relationship, but the Bible shows us principles which can lead to happier lives for parents and teenagers.
The family unit
In His wisdom and loving-kindness, God established the family unit for the care and raising of children. A mother and father are ideally suited to provide the guidance, protection, discipline and love needed by a child. The arrangement has all the potential for working well. So why is it that when children reach adolescence, conflict seems to multiply between child and parent?
A time of change
Newborn infants are helpless and the parents do virtually everything for them. But babies don’t remain infants for long. Soon the baby becomes a child with a personality and a will of its own. The responsibility of the parents gradually changes. Much time is spent teaching the child to things himself.
As the child grows older, he discovers more ways to do what is wrong. In order to teach the way of right, parents impose rules as part of their instruction and reinforce the rules by reward and punishment. As the child becomes a teenager, the parents must encourage him or her to make decisions based upon years of instruction in the way of the Truth. One objective is to produce an adult capable of leaving his parents and forming his own family unit. The parents want to help in this process but their help is not always welcome. Advice and guidance is often received with resentment and hostility and parents must develop skills to nurture and direct their teenagers, even in an environment of challenge.
The Conflict
While the parents wrestle with ways to help their teenager, the young adult seeks for greater independence and freedom. Although this varies with the individual, teenagers can feel an overblown sense of confidence in their own judgment and they question and resent rules and standards which they once accepted without complaint. They feel they are more in touch with current issues and they are better equipped to solve their problems than their “old-fashioned” parents. We must remember that the dramas of life are enacted against an imperfect backdrop, namely, our human nature. Youngsters are bursting with energy and curiosity while parents grow tired and weary as the day draws on. Often parents must cope with big problems at inopportune moments.
Back to the Bible
The divine principles of the parent-child relationship are summarized in Eph. 6:1-4: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may be will with you and that you may live long on the earth.’ Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, and bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
The fact that children are directly addressed shows that not just small children are in mind for they would not understand what scripture is saying. Adolescents and older are the ones being spoken to.
When children are told to “obey your parents,” does this mean they should blindly obey a parental command that contradicts a command of Christ? Of course not; the phrase “in the Lord” carries a lot of weight. What children should do when parents are trying to provide right instruction is listen to them. Parents are there for this very purpose and this arrangement was set up by God and children are appealed to directly to follow this command.
When parents are told, “do not provoke your children to anger,” does this mean that a parent must at all costs avoid angering his child? No, again a qualifying phrase clarifies the meaning. The parent should offer instruction that is “of the Lord;” “because I said so” is not enough for a young adult. The anger and frustration provoked by irrational or inconsistent discipline is avoidable. Parents bear the responsibility of making sure their instruction is in harmony with the Bible and that their child understands why.
When the teens arrive, it is important for the parents to have developed good will during childhood. Problems can be solved easier in an atmosphere of mutual trust and respect. Coming through in Ephesians is a tone of respect for the child. His reactions are to be considered. He is not to be treated capriciously. We may not agree with our child and we may have to punish him on occasion, but it should be done without the loss of fundamental respect. If we regularly cuff them and scream at them, we can expect our children to be out of control when they grow into adulthood because they will acquire our pattern of behavior. From the earliest days, the way we handle our children bears upon how our relationship will proceed at the teenage level.
The ideal
Can we grasp the ideal expressed in the divine principle, “Honor your father and mother?” Both parent and child should be aware of their own responsibility and both should be seeking to please — not themselves, but God. Each should be trying to understand and communicate with the other, without letting emotions get out of control. God appeals to both parties to respond, and it is the parent’s duty to inform the children of Bible teaching on this important topic.
Surely, we must each confess that we do not live up to the ideal. But we should also resolve, with God’s help, to come closer to the ideal every day. If we expect forgiveness, we must forgive. If we expect co-operation, be co-operative. And we must realize that sometimes the problems are our fault, that sometimes it is our own greed or selfishness or pride that makes things difficult. Inevitably, the problems will reach an easier and quicker solution if we look inside ourselves for the cause instead of accusing others.
Some problems
Accusations, anger, threats, lies, attempts to hurt, attempts to prove wrong, bitterness, and self-pity cannot possibly contribute to the success of the relationship between parent and child, and they certainly do not reflect the principles of God as expressed in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Both parents and young people can be guilty of any of these pitfalls. If we are honest with ourselves, we will probably find that several of them are almost habitual shortcomings with ourselves.
This is our human flesh at work and we must not let it win. We must defeat it, overcoming its temptations with love and a genuine desire to do what is right.
What if my father or mother threatens, shall I make threats in return? I should not! What if my child goes out of his way to hurt me, shall I seek for ways to hurt him back? I should not! Our prayer should be: “May God help me to do what is right, even if the stress of the moment has caused the other person to lose control.” And if we do respond with good for evil, may we not think ourselves superior but remember that we are not perfect and are very much in need of forgiveness also.
The response
Love and peace will exist far more readily where they are sought. But they will never come about without effort and self-sacrifice. Whether we make the effort or not is entirely up to ourselves.
In making the effort, it is good to remember that parents and teens are much alike. They are both confused and unsure of themselves about how to handle a developing situation. Both would like to communicate with and understand the other but neither are sure of how to go about it. A good relationship will only result from a mutual effort.
One thing is certain, it never hurts to be first in taking a step toward mutual understanding, though we may have to swallow our pride to do so. It could be, in fact, that that swallow is the hardest thing of all.
A final word
Family harmony is within reach if we put divine principles to work in our lives. A strong foundation of sound teaching and good example on our part can pave the way for communication and trust during the teens. Both parents and children must be aware of their responsibilities as set forth in scripture and strive to implement them in day-to-day living. Godly principles must be the foundation upon which we build meaningful family relationships which will make for a stable life now and direct us toward the ultimate goal of the kingdom of God.
Hopefully, these examples have been useful in illustrating the difference between following rules (which can lead the heart far away from the right place) and following principles (which require the effort of the whole heart and mind). It is in divine principles that godly morality comes to us. It is in the following of these principles that faith is put into action and emulates the faith of Abraham that was accounted as righteousness.
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One