Dear Susan,
One thing I’m very grateful for is that your mother and I have always been able to talk with you openly. I have a concern and this time I thought I would write down some of my ideas in a letter to you. We know you have been interested in a young brother, but after a year there is no fire of love in your heart. There are some things about him that have sent up caution flags. Would he be a good father? He seems impatient with little children. Would he be fun? Sometimes he seems as boring as a fence post.
But you’re lonely! There s so few young people at the meeting and no one of boy friend age for you. You yearn for romance, yet life seems to have deprived you of that joy.
Then there s work! As so many firms do today, yours is taking advantage of its bright young employees who are trying to break into a career. They are asking you to come in early and are insisting that you take your turn working late. Mat started out as an interesting job is now becoming very time consuming. Often when you come home, you’re too tired to think of Bible class.
All too often when you do your readings they seem lifeless, without power, without the life-giving strength you would like them to have. You’ve prayed about the situation, but so many times it seems your prayers go no higher than the ceiling; then your mind drifts away to the cares of this life right in the middle of prayer.
Now you’ve met this young man. He likes you, he’s attractive, he’s fun. He’s filling a void in your life so that, for the first time in a long time, you’re looking forward to something during the day. You think about him and wait for the evenings when you can see him and enjoy his company. He told you that you are different and that you fill a need in his life. This relationship has brightened your life and brought you a sense of satisfaction.
However, there’s a problem: he’s not in the Truth. Not only that, he’s not interested in religion very much at all. He wants to get along in this life: a job that has opportunity for advancement, a home that is comfortable and has at least a little land around it. He doesn’t mind if you work and it seems he would give you a fair say in family decisions.
So far as standards are concerned, he seems like a decent fellow. Naturally he’s had some girlfriends; and you told us he has spent the night with at least one girl, which admittedly is not that unusual today. He seems very ambitious and is interested in using his present job as a stepping stone to bigger things. He’s told you that if you want to succeed in life, there s nothing that can stop you if you have your head on right. He told you he wants to reach for the stars!
One thing is certainly clear: his eyes are not on the Kingdom of God. In spite or your present involvement, you know that Christ is coming., that the Bible is right, that Christ has called us to deny ourselves now for the sake of sharing in the glory of the age to come.
Eventually you want to have children and you would want them to know the Truth and grow up in the Sunday school. He might not object to that. Right now he doesn’t mind your going to meeting Sunday morning so long as you are available Friday night and Saturday. Besides, hewants to golf on Sundays.
And you know there is more than attending Sunday school when it comes to raising children in the Truth. You’ve lived in a family long enough to know there are going to be a lot of decisions made about the children: the friends they have, the functions they go to, the activities they participate in. You can anticipate friction over such issues.
Furthermore, if you marry this fellow his goals for your children will, no doubt, be quite different from yours. His great concern for any boys will be their worldly advancement and financial success. From the picture I get, he will want them to be honest and hard working, but he won’t care at all if they love God or believe His promises.
Will you be happy seeing your boys encouraged in the broad road that ends in death? If you did not know the Truth, you could deceive yourself into believing that, so long as they were honest and helpful people, they would see some good after this life. But you know better than that.
And what about the daughters you may have? Are you going to be happy seeing them absorbed in fashion, beauty and popularity? You know the virues of modesty, discretion and holiness that commend a woman to God. A worldly husband will not be tuned in to such qualities.
Consider, too, the spiritual instruction of the family. Unless the fellow you’re interested in does a total about-face, he will never sit down and lead the family in reading the Word. He will not be able to answer the children’s questions (or yours) about divine actions and principles. You will have to do all of that yourself if it ever gets done. Think of what you will do when the children have enemies at school. There is a good chance a worldly husband will teach his sons to retaliate and fight hard. He will not likely put much emphasis on the virtues of being a peacemaker or of avoiding trouble.
I have put all the potential problems in terms of the children because a wise person once said if you want to know a person’s true ideals, look at what they want for their children.
Of course, there is more to family life than children. What you may not have noticed in your parent’s marriage is that we avoid a lot of conflict because we share the same principles. You probably are aware of the bickering and disagreements that do occur. We humans have a problem in that regard. But try talking to one of your Christadelphian friends who was raised in a home where one parent was trying to live the Truth and the other was disinterested. What you’ll no doubt find is that in that home there were a lot of long, bitter, unhappy times caused by disagreement over basic issues. And there was probably a constant underlying tension even though it was not always in the open.
I am pointing all of this out to you in a straightforward manner because you don’t have to go the way you are headed. I know some lonely brethren who are sincere in the Truth and are looking for partners. They don’t live ten minutes from your house; they live 5,000 miles away. But in today’s world that is not an impossible distance. Air fares are remarkably low if you plan ahead.
Admittedly, Christadelphian fellows are not all tall, dark and handsome; but who among us is Mr. Perfect, anyway?
Strange as it may seem, a few years ago most marriages were arranged by the parents and married couples lived together for long years and had many children. Look at the Bible for examples. Mom and I are presently having Bible classes with a Greek couple. The woman’s mother was married by family arrangement and has lived quite happily with her husband and their eight children for 40 years. I’m mentioning this because, at times, we really don’t know who would be our best mate. Will physical attraction hold a marriage together for the long run? I doubt it.
I know you love the Truth and that is a wonderful thing. Seek out a fellow who also loves the Truth with all his heart. You may just find that love will blossom and bloom because you both have placed God first in your lives.
Don’t trade a few years of happiness for what could destroy your eternal welfare and that of your children. Quite frankly, the honeymoon can end pretty quickly.
Use your head as well as your heart; there are lovely brethren out there, travel around; go to some places away from home. You know brethren and sisters who can help you break the ice; let them do it for you at small youth conferences or small Bible schools where the cliques are not so prominent. Break out of the circle that is not satisfying your loneliness. We’ll help you to do this.
You know marriage out of the Truth is not going to bring you the happiness you dream about. Down deep in your heart, you know leaving the Truth is going to fill your life with plenty of problems.
If you compromise, let it be your dreams for the present but please don’t compromise your hope for eternal life.
With deep affection,
Dad
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One