“Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matt 19:4-6).
Introduction
An enormous amount has been written in our community about the topics of marriage and divorce, and a somewhat lesser amount has been written about such topics as pre-marital sex. But in all this, there has been comparatively little emphasis placed on the real purpose of sex, which is to provide two devoted partners with a sensuous, deeply personal opportunity to glimpse the love and delight of God in them. And we all admit that once this union is established in the sight of man and God “let not man put asunder.” But sometimes things go deeply awry in such a union: what should be our reaction? Should we absolutely refuse to recognize that a marriage can be terminated while both members are alive? Should we allow for Scripturally based exceptions?
I would like to consider both these areas, recognizing that, although much discussed, the area of marital problems results in situations where there is little total agreement among us, and I am unlikely to change this fact. It is not my purpose to delve in exactly what “fornication” means in Matthew 19:19, or the subtleties of Paul’s exposition in 1 Corinthians 7. Rather, I would like to consider both the beauty and pleasures in the marriage state, and also the compassion that Jesus and the apostles showed when dealing with moral problems in their day.
Marriage and Sex
The coming together of man and woman does indeed make “one flesh” — for when a child comes of this union, the baby is a single individual, made from both parents. All who have witnessed the birth of their child can remember what, in most cases, is the almost indescribable joy and happiness that a healthy baby brings. “A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world” (John 16:21).
And this joy is only a small part of the happiness that marriage and sex brings. However we might (quite appropriately) spiritualize the Song of Solomon, it does help us realize that the often erotic images that are used help us to appreciate that the book is indeed an allegorical picture of the union between God and His people. The yearnings that the young couple experience for each other, for both physical and emotional intimacy, for the desire to be close, for the contentment in each other, are but a shadow of the yearning of God for us — and we for Him.
Childbirth can be one outcome of such intimacy, but at its best marital sex is a foretaste of the glories of the future Kingdom, when true union between God and his people will be achieved.
Unfortunately, sex does not always take place in situations that lead to such an image of God and his purpose. But this should be the message we give to our young. Marriage is intended to perform other functions than to propagate the species. Paul in Ephesians 5 likens the love of a husband for his wife to the love of Christ for his ecclesia — his called out one. That the Greek used is “agape” does not mean that physical love is not involved in the case of a man and a woman. Indeed, Paul goes on to quote the seminal passage in Genesis 2:24, after saying “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself” (Eph 5:26). Clearly the relationship of a man and his wife are a shadow of the relationship we have with Christ, if we only believe. But this relationship, like that of marriage, is not one to be trifled with. It needs to be protected, shielded, nurtured, and given room to grow. We think of the law which says “When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken” (Deut 24:5). The first year of marriage is a time for bonding, to learn to share, to compromise, to begin at acceptance of each other’s little habits and foibles. This is in the glow and warmth of physical love, but this marriage also needs to have the recognition of society that this relationship is permanent until severed by death.
Sex outside Marriage
So what is the relationship of sex outside the marriage bond to this vision? I would argue that the purpose of sex, as God intended, is to give the partners a foreshadowing of the love of Christ for them and a pale preview of the future delight in store for believers. To seek one with whom to share this vision requires a fidelity and commitment that is not an optional feature of a healthy sexual life. Healthy sex requires the soundness of the marriage.
So it is with this vision that we derive the insistence that sex truly belongs in marriage. The crux of the reason is that the realization of the love of God and Christ are only truly available in a true marriage. Sex belongs only within a life long partnership, not for abstract moral reasons but because only through marriage can we glimpse the relationship between the love of man and woman and the love of Christ for his ecclesia.
Neither sex nor marriage is for everyone, as Paul says:
“I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be. Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed” (1Cor 7:26-27).
Marriage requires a willingness to serve, to subjugate oneself to another person’s needs and desires, to commit to raise children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. But for those who are able, marriage can and should enable us to properly understand the love of Christ for his ecclesia.
Problems in Marriage
Not always is this view of marriage reflected in the realities of the actual relationship of husband and wife. With the frailties we are all subject to, all marriages undergo periods of stress, tension and difficulties. For many these stresses are handled without overwhelming the integrity of their marriage, but sometimes for one or many reasons situations arise that cause problems so major that the relationship disintegrates.
No one will disagree that marriage in the Lord is intended to be permanent. Whether are not the exceptive clause in Matthew 19 refers to premarital affairs or any illicit activities is somewhat irrelevant. Marriage is intended to be permanent and indissoluble. Every step should be taken to prevent breakup. Transgressions sometimes arise, but the first reaction should always to accept repentance and attempt to reconcile. However, not all situations are capable of resolution. Anyone who has knowledge and experience of such problems will surely recognize that there is very rarely an “innocent” or a “guilty” party in marital dissolutions. However not infrequently we have such situations as:
- a partner becomes mentally ill or an alcoholic and violence ensues;
- one of the pair leaves the relationship without any obvious reason and refuses all attempts at reconciliation;
- one of the two is so involved in their own affairs or work that no true sexual or spiritual relationship is possible.
Ecclesias vary as to handle such problems. Some ecclesias are legalistic, some even having constitutions that prohibit either divorce, or remarriage after divorce. Such is apparently an easy way out of the dilemma: but is it reflective of the compassion and mercy exhibited in the New Testament by Christ? Paul himself was forgiven for his murderous assault on the early ecclesias, which clearly was a sin against the household much worse than that of any likely marital problems.
The New Testament establishes at once the highest possible moral principles and also shows the greatest examples of forgiveness possible. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;” (Rom 3:23). Paul lists those transgressions that inhibit the future hope “Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God” (1Cor 6:9-10). Sexual sins predominate in the list: but then Paul goes on to say “And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God” (vs 11).
It is hard indeed to say that sexual transgressions, accompanied by genuine contrition, prevent any future hope of sharing in a Christ-like marriage. We have to leave all to the judgment and mercy of the Almighty God.
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One