Afraid to Marry

Dear Uncle Tom,

In reading some of the letters written to you, I seem to have a different situation from most. l’ m very hesitant to get married out of fear that I’m going to marry the wrong girl. I’ m dead set against the idea of divorce or separation so I view marriage as being for life. So when I do it, I feel it is for life and had better be with the right person.

To some extent, I feel my fear may be a lack of faith. I mean, after all, we are never going to find the perfect person, are we? If that’s true, then there will have to be a leap of faith somewhere.

What do you think? I’d be interested in hearing your comments!

With love in Christ,
Jim

Dear Jim,

You must be having an interesting time handling all the pressure to settle down and get married. Every married person probably teases you at some time or other about your single status. And some people are incurable matchmakers; they no doubt keep finding new girls for you to meet or maybe even arrange some surprise guests when they have you for dinner.

Constantly coping with the idea that the married way is the only way can get pretty annoying. But try to keep your sense of humor. People really do think they are looking out for your best interests even though they may go too far at times.

While marriage is of God, designed to fulfill our basic need for companionship, scripture does occasionally commend the single state. Paul is most direct in 1 Cor.7: “I would that all men were even as I myself..! say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I” (vs. 7-8). Jesus rather indirectly does the same in response to his disciples. They were dismayed at his teaching regarding divorce and exclaimed that a man better not get married at all. The Lord replied, “All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given…there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it” (Matt. 19:11-12).

In both cases, staying single is put forth as a viable, even a desirable, option. In both cases, however, no command is involved, for God has made us so that most of us have a compelling need for marriage.

In 1 Cor. 7, the physical need is clearly noted: “It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.. .it is better to marry than to burn” (vs. 1- 2 ,9). Evidently in your case, you have this aspect under control.

Genesis 2:18 states another of the basic reasons as companionship: “It is not good that the man should be alone” and a wife was created initiating the family structure. In most cases, the family unit includes children, grandchildren and in-laws who can provide companionship and security. To some extent, however, this need is filled for us by the ecclesial family and, in your case, that may suffice.

Often, both the physical and social aspects blend together when we experience the remarkable emotion of falling in love with someone. When that happens, we don’t worry about perfections or imperfections, we just want to be with the one we love and express our love to them. Of course, the power of this emotion leads to a lot of unhappiness if the person does not share our convictions on life, or if she rejects us. Maybe you’ve been through the experience and have had to overcome some trying situation because of spiritual considerations. But if you haven’t, may I caution you not to let the power of love blind you to right and wrong and to practical considerations.

In your case, I would say don’ t push the matter. So far, you seem to be doing all right and you might well be able to follow the suggestions of Paul and of the Lord. Being content in a single state is regarded as a gift that can be used in the service of God. You have more time and energy available for serving the ecclesial family, for gospel proclamation and for teaching interested friends.

Furthermore, God may be sparing you some trials that could be extremely difficult for you to handle. As you have noted, marriage is for life, in health and in sickness, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse. Sickness can happen. Poverty can come. Severe misbehavior does occur. When you’re married, your exposure to such trials multiplies not only by what might happen to you or your wife, but also by what may happen to any children you have and even to problems in your extended family.

We have no guarantees: our wife may develop prolonged illness; children can be born handicapped; premature death might occur. We can find that personality clashes are a problem with our partner. We face the financial pressure to feed more mouths and clothe more backs. We can even find that in-laws have difficulties which overflow into our own lives and put severe demands on our resources of time and money. In one sense, all problems are opportunities to help others and to help us develop right attributes of character; but in another sense, problems are trials which must be faithfully endured. Maybe God is sparing you some of these.

Of course, there is the counter-balance that when you have problems, your companion and family can be a great source of help to you. The joys of family life can be very special. It is a two-way street. I would still, however, recommend that you don’t force the situation. If God wants you to be married, it will become obvious when the right person comes along.

As long as you are single, let me caution you about some things. When your partner and children all have the flu, you have to offer extra help no matter how much sleep you lose. Single people can become selfish. When your partner is involved in a car accident, you have to cope with the situation and see she still has transportation. Those on their own can become intolerant. Youngsters require a lot of training and take a long time to grow up. People without children can be impatient and unsympathetic.

Certainly,family people can be impatient, intolerant and selfish. But hopefully you will see the point. Family life brings with it circumstances that can be very useful in developing the character of the servant of God if one is properly exercised by the experiences.

There is another point as well. Don’t become bitter when you feel left out at times. Even in the ecclesia, people do have a special responsibility to their natural families (I Tim. 5:8). Sometimes we go too far in this regard and become thoughtless of the single ones. You can help us by finding ways to gently remind us of your needs. Thanks for the letter. I hope you can find the right girl. But if not, the Bible presents some good alternatives.

With love in Christ,
Uncle Tom