On Dating in the World

Dear Mark,

Your Dad told me you’re thinking of dating a girl in the world. He says she’s a co-worker who seems to be very nice — maybe nice enough to fall in love with.

This has your folks pretty worried, and they’ve told you so. They’re concerned you might end up being unequally yoked with an unbeliever and even being drawn away from the Truth.

Even if this girl is every bit as nice as you say, she could still have a harmful effect on your spiritual life. I know first-hand, because I dated a few girls in the world. Your Dad and Mom never had my experiences so you may feel their hard-line attitude is unreasonable and based on imaginary problems. But try and consider some advice from a person who has been through the very situation you’re contemplating.

First, you need to examine why you’re considering dating a non-Chris­tadelphian. Maybe you’re not interested in the young women in your ecclesial area. But why is that? Be honest with yourself Are you afraid you can’t meet their spiritual expectations? Are they no fun because they don’t approve of inappropriate entertainment or because they won’t let you “be yourself?” Beware, because the things of this world are very good at exploiting our weaknesses, and that’s even more true when a romantic relationship is involved.

That was the case with me. I just wanted to have a good time, without worrying about watching my behavior and conversation. The result was that my standards slipped and I found myself watching movies filled with sex and violence and telling off-color jokes.

My standards were eroded in other ways, too, as these young women urged me to have more worldly ambition, to move up the ladder of success. Then one of them suggested we “get away for the weekend.” Of course, I didn’t go, but she had trouble understanding why our physical relationship didn’t progress after several months of dating.

When I started feeling guilty about my behavior, I found I couldn’t elevate the quality of my relationships. There was no basis in those relationships for spiritual behavior and fulfilling conversation. The girls– who were very nice — still had no foundation of knowing God’s commandments. And while they were “good” in that they would never intentionally harm anyone, they lacked substance and they drained me of my spiritual strength.

I even talked seriously with one young woman about the Truth and how important it was to me. She started attending meeting pretty regularly and I began to think she might be “the one.” Then her family balked at her being away on Sundays– the day they traditionally gathered for a family brunch -­and she responded by asking me to join her family every other Sunday instead of going to meeting every week. She just couldn’t understand how that was an unacceptable compromise for me.

Attendance at meeting and going away together for a weekend are examples where it is easy to see how unequal spiritual standards can be a problem. But there were a lot of other areas where this was a problem that you might not think of right off

Materialism was another area. I know some Christadelphian women are caught up with expensive homes, cars, clothes, etc. But if you want to moderate spending habits, with a sister in Christ you at least have a common basis of accepting the Bible as your guide to life. Being content with a more modest living standard is not just being tightfisted, it’s God’s standard. “Having food and raiment let us be therewith content” is where we have to begin in our thinking. There is also the problem of how much to donate to ecclesial activities. When! was your age, I didn’t think I had enough income to worry about that. But when you look down the road, you want a partner who will be prepared to sacrifice to help with the purchase of an ecclesial hall, for example. That’s pretty hard to talk about with someone who is not devoted to the ecclesia.

Prayer is another concern. You may not think much about praying with the young lady you’re dating. When the relationship starts maturing, however,you’ll hopefully find that a concern. I know I did. While I was dating one woman, war broke out in the Middle East. She knew nothing about Bible prophecy or the coming kingdom. We had no basis for coming to God with common understanding and hopes.

With these things in mind, I pray that you’ll examine your motive for wanting to date your co-worker. Use spiritual eyes and take another look at the young women in your ecclesial area. You could even visit some distant ecclesias to see if you’re interested in any of the sisters there. After all, several brethren and sisters have found partners in England and Australia. While the Truth limits us in many ways, it does provide us close connections around the world which in many ways are totally unique to our community.

I know, your Uncle Jack met Aunt Sue at college, and now she’s a wonderful sister who’s a blessing to the ecclesia and to our family. I remember when Jack started dating Sue. He dated her precisely because she exhibited many of the same qualities that young sisters did. He wasn’t out to change her — he felt she was a chosen vessel waiting to be developed. Of course, he found her attractive, but that wasn’t the main reason he dated her.

In addition, Jack made the Truth a very clear priority from the beginning and he refused to compromise. He became convinced of Sue’s sincerity in joining him at meeting when she continued to attend, even over her family’s objections.

They clearly had God’s blessing, as Sue’s love for the Truth– and for Jack — grew steadily.

If you truly feel your co-worker has Christlike characteristics, then please keep in mind Jack’s experiences and priorities as you date her.

I pray you will remain strong in your convictions and that God’s blessing will rest on your actions.

Love in Christ,
Uncle Tom