From a recovering alcoholic
Dear Bro. Don,
With reference to the letter by Bro. Vic Aucott in the October Tidings (10/ 98, p. 390) on alcohol abuse, I humbly submit the following with the hope that it might be of some help to those in the brotherhood who may have a problem (or know of someone close) with alcohol abuse or alcoholism.
I am an active, sober, 25-year member of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.). I am delighted to share my experience, strength, and hope through this writing.
First, a little history. I was baptized in November, 1956, in Los Angeles, CA at the age of 24. I was searching for the one faith and once I was introduced to the Truth by a coworker, it didn’t take me long to grasp that this is what I was looking for.
I was extremely happy in the Truth for about six years, then my marriage soured. As a result, I got caught up with the cares of this world and turned to alcohol for comfort. This led me into frequenting unsavory places where I met another alcoholic whom, after I divorced, I subsequently married.
It was hard for me to understand how and why I did all these wrong things when I loved God and the Truth so much. I didn’t understand how cunning, baffling and powerful alcohol really is. I cried a lot when I was drunk, knowing that it was wrong, but I just couldn’t help myself. After losing my home, my children, my car, and my job, I had become quite a miserable wretch. I was even committed to the mental ward in the local general hospital by the State of California after an attempted suicide, that was almost successful.
I am extremely grateful the suicide attempt was not successful, thanks to God. Attempts at suicide and deaths by suicide are quite common for the alcohol abuser.
I was only married to my second husband (whom I married out of the Truth) for a year and a half. It didn’t workout. He tried to kill me one night after he had been drinking, and I called the police. As a result, he sought help through the County Alcoholism Services, where a team of A.A. put on a meeting several times a week. I went with him to these meetings, and that’s where I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. I wasn’t truly aware that!, myself, was an alcoholic at the time, but after a few weeks of meetings, I had to admit to my innermost self that I really was an alcoholic. I learned that it’s not what you drink, or how much you drink that determines an alcoholic — it’s what it does to your daily living. If your life has become unmanageable because of alcohol and you’ve lost the ability to control your drinking, you’re most likely an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a two-fold disease, an allergy of the body coupled with an obsession of the mind.
I divorced my second husband after about three months in A.A. The marriage just didn’t work out. The damage we had done to each other through the years due to our drinking was just too great to repair. After three more years in A.A., I again married out of the Truth. That lasted only eight years. I could see that being unequally yoked took its toll. I divorced again in 1983.
Today I live a very happy, quiet life. One of my sons lives with me. It’s hard for me to express how wonderful the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is.
I learned over the years how to live the kind of life I always wanted to live, but just didn’t know how. I learned how to be a loving, caring person. And I became closer and closer to God. The more I learned in A.A., the more I learned from my Bible. I experienced the feeling of spirituality which I never had before.
There is a lot of professional help available everywhere for the problem drinker. They could just start out in A.A. like I did, or they could go to a dry-out house, and then go into A.A. There is also a program for the spouse of an alcoholic called Al-Anon. They learn to live and cope with the active drinker. They also have a program for the teenagers called Alateen.
I feel that going to meetings until a person can grasp the program will help any alcoholic if they are willing to follow direction. They have to “want” the help themselves. No one else can convince them. They must continue with the meetings and go to different ones, till they find one they are comfortable with. Each group is autonomous. They all follow the same general formula but are different because of the people attending. Some are better than others.
I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body and now live a healthy, sober life. I cannot praise God and the program of A.A. enough for leading me to this way of life. I recommend that all who have the problem ask God to help them help themselves. He is there to help and guide us.
He’s rooting for us all the way. Give it a try, you’ll love it. Don’t be afraid to ask for His help, or anyone else’s. It’s there for the asking.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you. I am not the same person I was over 25 years ago when I was drunk, in trouble with man and God, and didn’t know how to get back on the right track. A.A. gave me that opportunity. God bless you all.
If anyone would like to contact me, please feel free to do so. My address is 2930 W. Rialto Ave. #38, Rialto, CA 92376, (909)874-1422. All contacts will be strictly confidential.
Your Sister in Christ,
Shirley Allen,
Pomona, CA Ecclesia
As Sis. Shirley notes, A.A. groups vary widely. It should also be noted that A.A. has been deemed a religion by the US Supreme Court; one thus needs to recognize this in using their services. There can be no doubt, however, as to the benefit of a group support system, which is the heart of their activities.
From the spouse of an alcoholic
The following is addressed directly to Bro. Tic Aucott (see 10/98, p.390).
Dear Bro. Vic,
I hope that the information you gather on alcoholism never has to be used by anyone in your ecclesia.
As a spouse of an alcoholic, I would like to address item #2 of your letter (“If they were the spouse of an alcoholic, how they coped during the period of the trial; what support was received and, particularly, what effective advice and support their ecclesia gave. Was it really useful?”) In sharing my story, you need to first understand alcoholism and how it affects behavior patterns. Without this knowledge, you may not understand the coping strategies a spouse uses to deal with an alcoholic partner. Please also remember, not all alcoholics are alike, nor is my situation the same as another’s might be.
I will try to explain in layman’s terms what alcoholism is. Most professionals say it’s a disease and I struggle with this definition because an alcoholic voluntarily drives his car to a package store or bar. However, I will concede that a person has a predisposition to this particular temptation. For an alcoholic, one drink is too many and ten drinks are never enough. Each one drinks for several different reasons, but the end result is to achieve a “high.” As an alcoholic stops drinking after this “high,” he becomes irritable and argumentative and this is a situation that I find frightening.
Alcoholics make excuses for why they drink. Every spouse has probably experienced these same situations. We try to be compassionate, scolding, or whatever appears will help our spouse, but nothing seems to work. The bottom line is an alcoholic will change only when he is ready. In the meantime, the spouse faces a hopeless sentence to living through this insanity.
An ecclesia, spouse or family member cannot be of help to an alcoholic until he is ready to change. Therefore, it is for this major reason that I would recommend a spouse (if he/she can or is able) separate from her alcoholic partner, if only for a temporary period of time. Not for the alcoholic’s sake, but for the sanity of the spouse and the children. An ecclesia can assist this sister, perhaps financially and/or emotionally. Realize though, this could be for a long period of time. Please refrain from judging me because you don’t know what it’s like to live with an alcoholic.
Most professionals recommend Al-Anon is an organization that helps family members or friends cope and understand alcoholism. Some have found this to be very helpful.
I recommend that an ecclesia not disfellowship the alcoholic. He has probably not attended meeting in a long time. To disfellowship a member would perhaps only bring more pain to his spouse.
To combat the loneliness: Do the readings with a brother or sister (maybe they’ll invite you for dinner as well); visit a sick brother or sister; shop with a sister friend and, without question, pray a lot. If the loneliness is too much to take because you can focus on nothing else except your alcoholic partner, do whatever will take your mind off your situation. Your ecclesial support system must be prepared to open its door to you day or night, sometimes without notice — I’m thankful for those brothers/sisters who have let me do just that. Insanity is a perfect word to describe living with an alcoholic, nothing is predictable.
The threat of violence is real. Typically the first question from professionals is, “Did he ever physically hurt you?” In addition to the emotional suffering for you and your children, the potential for physical harm is very real. The anger and frustration on the part of the sober spouse is not a good mixture with an angry drunk. The last thing he wants to see is someone who disapproves of his drinking
If anyone who may be undergoing the same problem wishes to write to me, please send a letter to the editor and reference “Sister AB.” If many such letters are received, perhaps I could set up pen pals with those in similar situations.
Praying for the kingdom.
Your sister in Christ,
AB
From a former addict and sibling of an alcoholic
Dear Bro. Don,
The following is my response to the Vic Aucott letter and plea for help regarding alcohol abuse. These are my experiences, thoughts, feelings and lessons that I have learned along the way as an addict and mentally ill Christadelphian. Due to space limitations, I have greatly compressed what really would require a whole book to say.
My Christadelphian baptism took place almost 30 years ago during my last year of college. I come from a non-Christadelphian background and knew nothing of the community until a night in February,1969. I was a true child of the sixties — starved for the truth and questioning every authority in my life. When I was baptized three months later, my mother was enraged, my father beat me — even though it was the eve of my graduation from college. The sky had started falling on my life as the truth of many things began to become evident.
Fourteen years later, the dam broke and the ensuing tidal wave of truth regarding me, my family, Christadelphians and many other things, nearly destroyed me in its engulfing horror. The precipitating event for this was my only sibling, nine years my senior, almost killing me in an alcohol-induced rage. A sister at meeting a week later said, “It sounds like your brother is an alcoholic.” The ensuing five years of going to 12-step Adult Children of Alcoholics would reveal truths about my family, me and many things that would shatter my world, my mind and my heart. I would not recover from it all.
During that time, I learned that what my father had done to me as a boy, for over 10 years, was sexual abuse. I would learn that what both my parents did to me as a child was considered severe emotional abuse. I would learn that they were not alcoholics. I would lose the only hero and best friend I had ever known growing up — my one and only brother. I would lose my sister-wife of 10 years because I did not know how to be a good and healthy husband and because I could not see the writing on the wall regarding the sad shape her heart and mind were in due to her family abuse issues. I would discover that I was an addict, would lose my mental health and be hospitalized three times for this reason. I would come close to committing suicide many times over the years and would cry more tears than I ever thought humanly possible. I was told that I could trust authority figures who actually turned out to be my worst nightmares.
I was told to pray and do my readings and come to all ecclesial functions and everything would be all right. “Why?” I would ask myself. “Who is this God that I cannot see or trust? Where was He when I was being treated like a sex toy by my father when I was a small, innocent powerless boy? Where was he when my mother was messing with my developing mind? Where was He? Is He there now?”
I never knew a loving, trustworthy parent growing up. What does that bring in its wake? Addiction, drunkenness, depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, loneliness, rage and a deep, engulfing terror that forever stalks you, telling you that you are worthless, that not even God loves you, that you are unlovable and simply disgusting. Why should one such as that, me, go on living?
Many “professionals” who proclaimed they could/would help me turned out to be wolves in sheep’s clothing. I remember hearing of a man who walked off his job in upper management at an addiction treatment facility that! had recently gone to and at which I was so severely abused I had a psychotic break. This man said: “My God, the people who run this place are sicker than the people who come here for help.” This was one of the highest rated “premier” addiction treatment centers in the United States. My own experience was to be very disappointing with the mental healthcare industry. I would recommend any one seeking to use their services do so with extreme caution (on request, I can provide many references in this regard).
I read some amazingly honest, informed and courageous books by knowing professionals which said that what really worked and healed were the principals of love and community expressed (commanded) in the Bible.
People are not born mentally ill, or addicts or homosexuals. They are made that way — or certainly given a big push in that direction by abusive/ neglectful home life in the growing up years. The only healing that really works is having people in your life who really practice the life commanded in the Bible. Yes, sometimes this requires very tough love, setting limits to wrong behavior and, if the limits are ignored, possibly telling the offender to “take a hike” until he cleans up his act.
If you want to help the addict, the drunk, the mentally ill, the homosexual — as well as their suffering families — you need to get educated on what mental illness and addiction are all about and the role that unhealthy home life plays in these situations. If you want to help, start by getting ruthlessly honest with yourself, God and others. Look at your dishonesty. Look at your “logs” before worrying about the splinter in other people’s eyes. Do you “confess your sins one to another?” That’s the real secret to Alcoholics Anonymous. Do you (men) weep with those who weep? Do you have the guts to cry your own tears?
Are you willing to touch the “leperous” in your midst, like Jesus did? Are you willing to “own up” to your own leprosy…your own sinful, evil nature and capacity. Or do you simply keep these sorts of people “at arms length?” I was asked by a brother when I had just gotten out of the mental ward, “Do you feel like the ecclesia is embarrassed by your being in the mental hospital?” I asked back: “Do you?” His reply: “Yes.” I said “I do too.” I felt so alone and very small. A sympathetic sister later told me that when a Christadelphian “falls,” i.e. gets into trouble such as divorce, job loss, mental breakdown, or makes some sort of major “mistake,” he immediately loses status in that part of the brotherhood. “Get used to it,” she said.
Thankfully, I’ve had a small number of true Christadelphians and other friends who have made it possible for me to survive and get some healing in my life. I’ve learned that one such as I is truly a walking miracle. I should never have survived what I went through, I could have turned into a violent criminal. But that has not happened, thanks to my Creator. What is my relationship with my God today? A mixed bag. If you don’t experience that true, warm, healthy, honest love from your parents growing up, but only abuse or neglect, it can be very difficult to understand or feel or trust in God’s love when you’re an adult. Remember, one’s father or mother was their first representative of God in their life. In my head I can trust God, feeling and seeing His love in my life, but in my heart — that’s where the help is needed.
Christopher
Communications with the writer should be addressed to the Tidings attention “Christopher”
We should remember that parents don only have to be sexually abusive or addicts to have a detrimental and adverse effect on their children. What about the father who is wholly absorbed in his career, who is seldom home for his wife and family? What about the husband who is so fanatical about saving money that he denies his family any treats and constantly rants to turn off the lights. What about the spendthrift wife who drives her husband into despair and impoverishes her household? The list goes on. There are many forms of abusive behavior which adversely affect our children. We all need to examine our own house and see how we are measuring up to scriptural standards.
Right Belief Leading to Conversion
Dear Bro. Don,
Reading your editorial, I have to say! agree with you. I have “had success in explaining the principles of the gospel” to my fiancé, but I think I am having a little trouble “bringing conviction.”
He knows the Truth, goes to classes and says he is definitely going to live a Christian life with me and join me in the ecclesia. He says we have been going together a long time now, pray together, do the Bible readings together, so why do Christadelphians say he must be baptized first and then get married after. He thinks it ought to be the other way round: When he is married he will be much more settled to put his mind to accepting the Truth. It seems I can’t get him to have what you rightly call that “compelling urgency.”
He was a Holiness member and he says that almost as many people leave that church as are baptized and go into it. I tell him it is not at all like that with Christadelphians and that once you are baptized with us hardly anyone ever leaves or gives it up, but he is skeptical. I would love to know how I can help him get that “compelling urgency?”
Maxine Thompson, Jamaica
My question to your fiancé would be “Why not?” Why not be baptized now if he plans to be part of the ecclesia. If we love the Lord, there is no down side to baptism, only the great benefits of becoming an heir to the promises and forgiven of sin.
Ultimately, all we can do is plant the seed of the gospel and water it, God alone can give the increase.
However, as others have pointed out, if we are personally zealous in the faith, it certainly helps others make a decision to join us in our walk to the kingdom.
Dear Bro. Don,
I want to thank you and all the brothers and sister involved in the magazine. Since I have received it monthly since February,! have found it very interesting and encouraging, especially uplifting me spiritually.
Now I have one problem — it is how to win a soul for Christ and how do I encourage my child to believe in Christ as I have done? Please help me with prayers and if possible give help on how to win a soul for the Lord. Maybe it is because we use more English than our language. Most people here use South Sotho and I meet people who really are shy to speak English.
Solomon Ramolahlehi,
Bloemfontein, South Africa
We’re glad you’re enjoying the magazine. By the time you get this month’s copy you will have seen that others have the same concern as yourself and suggestions have been made about what we can do to help a person respond to the gospel.
Our own personal commitment and example seem to be foremost in importance. Moreover, we must pray without ceasing and wait patiently for the spiritual development of our dear children and friends whom we would love to accept the truth. “Therefore be patient, brethren.. .See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain.”
Strong’s Concordance