Unconditional Love is a disturbing concept for us to consider The phrase connotes a “love” that is not limited by the person’s behavior no matter how extreme it may be We are exhorted by the healing professions, primarily m the areas of parent-child relationships, to bestow on our children “unconditional love” There is nothing parents want more than to bestow love on their children Yet there are times when situations in our family relationships make the fulfillment of our desires all but impossible If and when such times occur, the urging to “unconditional love” adds guilt to the potpourri of emotional upset in which we are already engulfed as we try to make wise decisions.
“Unconditional love” makes no sense to some of us We feel, “How can I love someone who is acting in sinful ways, doing things God teaches us to hate? How can I keep my feelings of love from burning out and being destroyed?” So some reject the idea as impractical and incorrect.
“Conditional” love?
Yet who really likes the idea of “conditional” love? To our children the phrase implies “You’ll love me only if I please your It seems manipulative, a love that stands or falls on the child satisfying our personal or even spiritual standards “You don’t love me for myself’ is the cry.
As parents, we can identify with the feeling of being rejected, of feeling “unloved” Since children are usually unsure of themselves and often feel guilty about something or other, they may agree they are not worth being loved “I am not loveable, I am not worthy, you are right, God could never love someone like me,” thinks the child, and he gives up and leaves.
The world around us exploits these times of weakness with deadly efficiency The world sits beside the narrow road we travel with open arms, beckoning with siren calls to, “Come, join me on an easier path” And on that path are a lot of people who are easy to be with So long as they are not hurt, our child can do what he likes without fear of judgmental criticism As parents and adults, we, too, prefer the company of non-judgmental people more than those who are critical
World offers wrong solutions
Young people have ready-made “support groups” which meet every day, many times a day, for informal “group therapy” sessions in which they can discuss all their problems m a non-judgmental setting, receiving support and reinforcement for their ideas and feelings from fellow sufferers They can be on the phone m a mutual “counseling” session quicker than a member of AA. But their informal sessions are devoid of maturity and wisdom Much of the “counsel” they receive is diametrically opposed to what God would have them do Rarely (it does happen) one of their peers gives good guidance That friend faces the same threat we all face when we give needed (but critical) advice – rejection.
In the early 80’s, I asked my daughter if drugs were still as widely available at school as a few years earlier I was curious to know if the authorities had made progress m controlling them or if the lack of publicity was simply a matter of public attention moving on to other issues She said the latter was more the case.
Drugs were quietly, but readily, available. “They are there to help you if you are down, if you have had an argument with your parents, if your boyfriend has broken up with you, if you are failing in school.”
What an eerie feeling. Someone is quietly standing around the corner with a quick, but habit-forming, answer to your child’s mood swings. Someone said: “Drugs are not the problem, they are the answer to the problem. The problem is that they are the wrong answer!”
Looking to God’s love
Yet is “unconditional love,” uncritical love, love regardless of our child’s behavior, the answer? Are we to avoid being critical of our loved ones because “conditional love” sounds cheap and manipulative? Are we to be so fearful of the damage to our own feelings that we refuse to be critical for fear of rejection? Should we stifle all criticism for fear our children’s hurt feelings might lead them to seek solace in the world’s uncritical arms?
Surely the Father’s example must be the answer. When we look at God’s love, we see helpful concepts.
We see a love that is very great, almost unbelievably so, but is not unconditional; it ultimately has limits. We see a love that criticizes and makes things difficult for one’s long-term good. We see a difference between loving acts and feelings of love.
Love that is very great
When we reflect upon scripture, we are awed by the love of God. In spite of man’s persistent rebellion, He has borne with this present generation from the flood until now “giving to all life, and breath, and all things.” Time and again He delivered Israel and was merciful to the most wicked kings if they would even temporarily turn to Him (e.g. Manasseh, II Chron. 33:12,13). He welcomes us back as “prodigal sons” when we rebel and stray no matter that we have squandered our lives in the process.
By far the most dramatic example of His love is providing His Son, who obeyed Him perfectly, that we might learn by a living example how to live in harmony with Him. He allowed His Son to suffer, horribly and publicly (the just desserts of our actions), that we might see the extremity of our sin and need. (Do you think there was any other reason why Jesus died so horribly?) God’s gift to us of Jesus was the ultimate act of undeserved love.
But God’s love doesn’t go on forever, it is not “unconditional” in that sense. His judgments are shortly to be poured out on the earth as they already have been on Israel. To us He says: “Be not deceived, God is not mocked, for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap” (Gal. 6:7). His servants must remain faithful to the end, producing good fruit, or they will be rejected as wicked and slothful. At the end of the day, God’s loving actions are conditional; they will come to an end if we do not respond.
As parents, we can see the lesson: our love should be very great, wonderfully patient and ready to help in times of need. But, ultimately, there can come a time and circumstance when an end to it may be reached. (Compare Deut. 21:18-21 and Deut. 22:21 where particularly sinful children were to be publicly condemned by their parents.)
Instruction and rebuke
As children of God, we are well aware discipline will occur in our lives that godly characteristics might be developed In fact, we are told “If ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons” (Heb 12 8) Israel found their situation to be the same as God punished them, when they fell away, in His attempt to bring them to their senses.
As parents, the example is that a true concern for eternal happiness means reproof and serious effort to guide our children in the path of their eternal good Giving in to everything they want now, will only ensure that ultimately they will miss out on everything And we should tell them plainly the truth about the world It is not more fun to be sinful than it is to be righteous In fact, sin causes suffering We should not portray the world as an attractive nuisance, exhorting our children to avoid it as they would a tempting slice of chocolate cake We should explain to them the world looks like chocolate cake but it is really poison.
People who take drugs don’t have some special, mystical knowledge that makes them wiser or happier than servants of God Invariably people take drugs and abuse alcohol from a sense of emptiness, they are searching for the security and knowledge we already possess They are the ones who are naive.
Love as an act, and an emotion
Sometimes a parent can be filled with guilt because he no longer feels a strong emotional love for his child At such times, it is helpful to remember God did not “love the world” with the same love He loved Daniel to whom He could say, “O Daniel, a man greatly beloved”
God’s action toward the world was a loving act without regard to the worth of those benefited We can imitate Hun by acting in a loving way toward someone even though our hearts are not filled with “love” for them Differentiating between “love” as an act and “love” as an emotion may help us with our feelings of guilt There are times when the best we can do is perform loving acts even though the fire of our love is burning low Fortunately, acting in loving ways can change our feelings toward another Normally the thought is the father of the deed, but it is also true that our minds are affected by our actions We can, through disciplined actions, alter our thinking and feelings.
Actions also alter the dynamics of a situation Positive actions can bring about positive responses And this is, of course, the goal.
Acting lovingly when the feelings are not present is the –love” to which we have been called If we are to act lovingly toward our enemies, surely we can toward our children And if we imitate the love God has shown to Israel and to ourselves, our loving acts will not be directly conditional upon the behavior of the child.
Seeking to save
In all His actions toward us, God is seeking our eternal end His discipline may vary according to our needs, but His loving acts persist through the spiritual ups and downs of our lives Our children need such love in their lives As parents, we are the ones who are best able to provide it with their eternal well-being in mind Perhaps “unconditional love” is not the ideal description, but if we imitate our Father, we will provide our children with love that is patient, resilient and very strong.
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One