Pornography Reason for Divorce?
A query comes from a person believing “the Bible says divorce is wrong, and adultery is the only reason to get a divorce” (no doubt having in mind Matthew 19:9— “Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery”). But, the marriage, which includes a child, is deeply troubled by one party looking at pornographic pictures of men and women and contending no harm is being done by just looking. The writer wants to know in such a case if divorce is permissible. Would remarriage be acceptable?
This is a grievous situation and the writer has our deepest sympathy and concern. Since the Lord connects looking on a woman to lust after her with adultery (Matt. 5:28), one could not rule out the possible application of Matthew 19 to the situation. Only those in possession of all the facts could hazard an opinion. The better way, of course, is to save the marriage. The Lord hates putting away (Mal. 3:16) and will surely help if we try to avoid a course which He hates.
Our suggestions at this point would be:
- Pray that God might relieve the trial and help save the marriage. Many marriages (most suspect a very high percentage) struggle through crisis points where one party or the other is deeply hurt. The solution, too often, is divorce. This is not God’s way to solve problems. If the person remarries, he will almost certainly be faced with some dire crisis in the second marriage. We cannot escape dire problems in this life but we can pray fervently that God relieve a situation we are finding is overwhelming us.
- If the offender claims to be a Christian, let him/her placard before his/her eyes the following:
“It is God’s will that you should be holy: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.”
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”
“Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace” (I Thess. 4:38; Rom. 12:2; Eph. 4:22-24; Rom. 8:5-6 NIV).
The first passage makes clear God’s will in regard to the sexual aspect of our lives. The next three make clear that not only our bodies but also our minds must be places of holiness to God. (Ironically, the Thessalonians’ verses are followed by an acknowledgement the readers had no problem with “brotherly love” [I Thess. 4:9-10] even though they needed strong words regarding sexual matters. It is possible to be obedient in one area but not the other.)
It seems to me a person desiring to please Christ would see clearly from these verses how utterly repulsive to our Lord the viewing of pornographic material by any of his servants must be. It is sin; it is depraved and perverse.
- Secure literature on the topic. As we have commented before, the Internet has brought to light a plague of licentious interest running rampant in our society. A number of studies have shown this is not a victimless activity and is frequently ruinous to relationships. We note the following sample commentary:
“Pornography offends against the divine plan for the body and for the intimacy of sexual union. It fixates on certain normal bodily functions in an immodest and obsessive way. It offends against chastity generally and in ways that reveal its specific evil.
“Isolating sexuality from a moral context and using it to titillate or degrade others for one’s own profit or pleasure is always wrong.
“The evils of behavior or character that result from pornography [include]:
- It can have a progressively desensitizing effect, gradually rendering individuals morally numb.
- It can be addictive, causing some viewers to require progressively more perverse material to achieve the same degree of stimulation.
- Marriage and family life especially can be undermined by pornography, since it demeans their sacred value.
- In some cases, pornography can incite its users to commit more overtly violent crimes such as rape, child abuse and murder.
“…The pleasure which [pornography] gives is offered as a substitute for genuine intimacy. The result of this pleasure is not intimacy but a disconnection from oneself and from others…The body and its functions, including sex, are reduced to the object of increasingly bizarre fantasies which must be taken in larger doses to reproduce the thrill of the initial involvement with pornography.” From a statement issued by the National Conference of Catholic Bishops cited in the Morality in Media Newsletter.
- From these brief points, it takes little imagination to see how pornography can adversely affect a marriage. A steady diet of grotesque eroticism will provoke unrealistic expectations from marriage which our partners will be unable to fulfill.
This so-called “victimless crime” actually victimizes everyone concerned. Both the viewers and the performers are demeaned and degraded by its content. By turning to pornography, we consent to its place in our life and endorse its role in society. An irony of our society is that some boycott certain products because their existence causes great harm to animals or the environment while, unthinkingly, the same persons may condone the right to produce pornography which demands a most cynical misuse and debasement of human beings.
- If possible, get the offending party to a counselor who understands Christian principles and sympathizes with these values. To their utter dismay, some have found counselors who condone pornography as a means of releasing tensions rather than advising ways of overcoming an interest in it. The right type of counseling is imperative. Consistent, habitual reliance on pornography will put an unbearable strain on a marriage. This destructive, sinful behavior must be addressed.
If a counselor should suggest viewing pornography together, resist this. You cannot change bad behavior by becoming a part of it. Further, this will hardly secure God’s blessing, which is critical to solving the problem.
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One