This Review is the consequence of some years of discussion with a number of brothers and sisters who are single parents. Circumstances vary widely, as young children are still at home in some cases, while in others the youngsters are grown up and on their own. Our objective is to highlight circumstances which are more prominent in such situations with a view that others might understand and hopefully be better prepared to provide sensitive, spiritual help as it is needed.
There are problems in the single parent-family which are not appreciated by most of us. There are reasons for this as the single parent, like any of us, usually tries to put on a “brave face” and the common greeting of “How are you?” is met with the universal, “Fine.” Yet those on their own can feel very isolated, convinced no one understands their dilemma. We can be very insensitive to the needs of such brothers and sisters. Help may be sought of us and our insensitive response may well drive the brother or sister back into his shell because insensitive “help” causes even more pain
The feelings of the single parent
The absence of mother or father introduces unique stresses into the family environment. Before scripturally examining how we should respond to those on their own through marriage break-up, we must understand those stresses.
Imagine that your marriage is over. Consider how, if you have children, you would cope. Reflect on the day-to-day things that require both husband and wife. Reflect on the way you work together to deal with matters in the home and family. Think about the fellowship of sharing your joys and trials of the day. Now think about living a life of emptiness, without the companionship and mutual support of your partner.
The picture is made even more tragic because the brother or sister in this position does not want to be a burden to others. So anxieties will not be shared and urgent practical problems may not be addressed.
Life for single parents can be over-whelming. The constant stress and fatigue of simply dealing with the children daily is so demanding that discipline is difficult to administer and maintain. At the same time, the single parent feels that the children are all that is left. There is a great desire for the children to accept the gospel. The single parent does not feel up to the task, however. Would you if your attempt at living the Christ/bride pattern had failed? The single parent has passed through what has probably been years of unhappiness and strain in a failing marriage. Probably the ecclesia was unaware of the problem, or ignored it, if it was noticed. The marriage fails, divorce and often much ugliness follow. The people left trying to rebuild their lives will feel totally drained. Decision making, even at the simplest level, will be extremely difficult and some onlookers may stunned by irrational decisions. From the comfort of a happy marriage we must be careful not to judge too harshly those in this position. This emotionally taxing life will lead, almost inevitably, to loss of appetite and sleep and a general deterioration of both spiritual and physical well being.
The brother or sister left trying to rebuild a life for him/herself and the children probably suffers many sleepless nights, often interrupted by nightmares and unresolved anxieties.
Eventually, the solo person learns to deaden his senses and emotions in order to cope. From time to time, however, he (or she, throughout the discussion, both genders are in mind but not always specified) will lose control. We might notice the sister or, yes, the brother, in tears at the memorial meeting and attendance at the meeting may become very erratic.
Our easiest response to those in this situation is to ignore the problem. This is the second least helpful thing to do, however. The most unhelpful thing to do is to assume that the brother or sister will “pull himself together” in time if we stress the importance of regular attendance at the meeting. Don’t convey a judgmental attitude. You likely have only a faint idea of the difficulties endured by the single parent. He/she knows he should be at the meeting. He doesn’t need you to tell him. We should encourage him/her when he is there and pray for him “without ceasing.”
When he (or she) is there, provide encouragement – “I am so glad to see you!” and spend time together. When he is absent, call during the week – “I was sorry to miss you at the meeting, can we get together for a visit?” is far more helpful than condemnation based on ignorance. Tell her she is in your prayers. One sister added “please sit with us at the meeting, especially the memorial service.”
Individuals in this position often doubt whether they are actually in fellowship with God. They need tremendous support and encouragement; we have a great responsibility to ensure that they do not become lost sheep.
The last thing to do is to dissociate ourselves from such individuals. One of the most hurtful things that does happen, according to some, is to be ostracized. We may feel uncomfortable, not knowing what to say. This is not reason, however, for ignoring our brother or sister.
The stresses caused by being at the meeting
We should not “forsake the assembling of ourselves together.” The single parent knows this, but being at the meeting brings its own stresses. Staying at home can be part of the coping strategy, yet this does not mean the single parent does not see the need to attend. At times, he is unable to cope with the stress he knows he will encounter, so he absents himself. For the single parent, being at meeting, with or without children, can be incredibly lonely. Seeing families at the meeting highlights his loneliness and he may have to endure criticism, even if only perceived from the body language of another. Being aware of the struggles, which is a hoped-for outcome of this message, will help us to address feelings more helpfully.
Spare a thought for the children
The child will wonder what has gone wrong. He often assumes he is, in some way, to blame for the marriage breakdown. He may lose confidence in adults. He will have a very poor self image and his education will almost certainly suffer. Bed wetting and other problems might well develop, even in older children. Boys, particularly in the 9- 14 age bracket, are highly vulnerable.
What the child needs is companionship, feeling wanted and thinking he can share his painful experiences.
Because of the gnawing fatigue of the single parent, however, the child may be living in an environment which is not conducive to healthy growth, either mentally or physically. Responses to friendly overtures may be met with anger. The child may well retire into his own shell while the single parent reproaches himself for a short temper, which further damages the youngster’s self esteem.
The parent and the child will feel a terrible emptiness and loneliness, which can be heightened, not diminished at ecclesial meetings. The single parent and children will see families happily together at the meeting. They will know what happens at the homes of those brothers and sisters and will realize what they are missing. When you go home to Sunday lunch with your family they will, most often, head home alone.
What is missing?
The husband and wife team is ordained by the Father “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Gen. 2:18). Matthew 19:5 elaborates this point: “And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh.”
Further, the single parent family prevents the Christ/ecclesia pattern from being worked out in the life of the family. Thus a God-ordained teaching tool for the spiritual development of the mind of Christ in each of the members cannot be utilized Living the gospel as part of the bride of Christ is very practical and provides a day to day role model which the children will discern simply by being in the environment, learning by example.
Missing role models
Parents are role models. This is a God-ordained environment. While it may be thought that sons will look to their father and daughters to their mother for their example, this is too simplistic an approach. In fact, the sons and daughters will look to the father and mother and draw from both parents patterns which they will imitate in their own lives. The absence of either parent leaves a void for both son and daughter.
Obviously, the father provides a male role model that sons can look up to and emulate. The way in which the husband cares for the wife and his disciplining of the children provides the son with a pattern of how he should respond to women in general, and his own wife at a later date.
For daughters, the father provides a role model who should exemplify the characteristics that the daughter will see as desirable in a future partner and in men in general. She will also see in how her mother responds to her father, a model of how she should respond to her husband in due course. The father and daughter relationship grows through enjoyable activities together. A loving, devoted father will help her to formulate standards by which she will eventually select a partner.
When teenage sons are being brought up by the single mother further problems arise. Sons often drift away from their mother physically and emotionally. If the father is no longer present, the son, having distanced himself from his mother, is left adrift, without a confidant.
What do the children think?
The single parent may feel that things are not right with the children. When father or mother is absent the remaining parent will realize he is unable to provide all the support needed for the growing children. There is no doubt that all children living in a single parent family miss the absent parent This is independent of the behavior of the departed parent prior to the breakup of the marriage. It is important to understand how the children view the situation.
Finding out what the children think helps to address the problems in ways relevant to the children. Spiritual education is essential. Social contact, likewise, forms an essential part of development
Seeking help
Against this background we come to the question: How does one “replace” the father or mother in the family? What can one do to help “complete” the family unit so that the role models and environment are recreated? We suggest a thoughtful reading of scripture helps with the answer. Consider Psalm 68:4-6: “Sing unto God, sing praises to his name: extol him that rideth upon the heavens by his name JAH, and rejoice before him. A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation. God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.”
The psalm instructs us that Yahweh is “father of the fatherless.” How is this the case? How does God provide for the specific needs of the “fatherless.” We suggest He does so in a practical and specific way through those who are to manifest His characteristics among men, that is, those who are the sons and daughters of the living God. In other words, through the ecclesia.
By ordaining the family relationship among His servants, the Father has already provided the support system which should minister to those missing a parent. Thus we should look to our brothers and sisters, not secular organizations, to make up that which is lacking in our situation.
We may need to recognize that while brothers and sisters are aware of the ecclesia as a family, our children may not be very aware of this point Therefore they need to be instructed about the nature of this family. This is true whether the children are in a two-parent or single-parent family. We are all “fatherless and widows;” all of us are “adopted” sons of God. Once we appreciate this, by associating ourselves with the plight of those in need we are able to understand better our Father’s relationship to us and consequently our dependence on Him.
Learning from the role of the widow
While the sister who has been left to bring up children single-handed may not be a widow, the advice of scripture to “widows” is still relevant. One vital aspect to note in this teaching is that sisters in such a position have a positive contribution to make in both the home and ecclesial life.
Paul writes the following to Timothy: “The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. Honor widows that are widows indeed. But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to show piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God. Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, trusteth in God, and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day. But she that liveth in pleasure is dead while she liveth. And these things give in charge, that they may be blameless” (I Tim. 5:2-7).
From Paul’s advice, it is evident scripture expects the single parent to teach the children. However inadequate the sister feels, the Father says that it is possible. Thus it must be the case that, with the Lord’s help, the sister can do it even though she may doubt her capability and worry about the effects of the absence of the husband.
At every step we should remember that the self esteem of the single parent is badly damaged by the trauma of the marriage break-up. Therefore, there will be serious misgivings about doing anything, irrespective of actual capabilities. We must encourage those in this position to take active roles in ecclesial life. In fact it might well be that, from their own personal experience, they have a great deal to teach.
Meeting the social needs of the parent
The ecclesia is the route through which support should come. Ideally, the help should “come” rather than it having to be sought. But, this side of the kingdom we do not live in an ideal world. Further, there are a number of reasons brothers and sisters do not perceive a need and offer to fill it: the need may not be noticed by others; the need may be concealed by the one in need; it may not be “convenient” to meet the need for various reasons or the helper may not know how to offer assistance, fearing rejection by the one perceived to be in need. Accordingly, it may well be that the single parent must ask for help.
An “uncle” can provide support for the mother both in his approach to the children and in advice and support for the mother. This requires “uncle” and parent to reach agreement on essential principles and that the children appreciate the “uncle” is someone to respect. This type of respect can only come from regular long-term contact with the family of the “uncle.” It should not be thought that “help” can simply be given when it is convenient to the giver. Those who take on this role must develop an interest in all aspects of the lives of those they are trying to help. The respect and benefits will come in the long, rather than short, term.
If a brother takes on the great responsibility of being an “uncle” to the children of a single parent family, it is essential that his wife is also very involved in the support. His marriage must not be threatened by the work he is doing. This danger is minimized if the husband and wife work together to help.
Families a key means of support
The psalm reads: “He setteth the solitary in families.” The fatherless and widows thus need to be absorbed into the activities of ecclesial families.
While at first it will be unlikely that the single parent family will be routinely invited to other family events, the single parent family can take the initiative and try to attach themselves to a family by providing hospitality to other families. Of course this requires that the family who is invited accept the invitation. Invite the family around from time to time, try to do things together so that the children of the two families can integrate. The children of the two families should already be meeting each other at Sunday school and other ecclesial activities, so getting together should not be difficult for them. This will provide an environment in which the single parent can outline her concerns and needs to other parents.
As the single parent shares his/her concerns, it is essential that total confidentiality is adhered to by the one to whom the concerns are expressed. Much damage will ensue if the slightest whisper of a confidential matter is passed on to others. We must remember that the single parent is so vulnerable. He has learned, from experience, that others, no matter how close, sometimes cannot be trusted. There is a great need to build confidence in brothers and sisters. As a caring couple will discuss the needs and anxieties of the single parent during the normal activities of family life, great care must be taken to avoid leaking out information which the children might pick up and inadvertently pass on to others.
Needs can be overlooked
In Jerusalem when the first century ecclesia began to grow, there were many widows, doubtless a consequence of persecution. We may feel it is remarkable that a serious problem arose concerning the widows which went unnoticed by the apostles, until specifically drawn to their attention.
To their credit the apostles acted quickly: “Then the twelve called the multitude of the disciples (unto them), and said, It is not reason that we should leave the word of God, and serve tables. Wherefore, brethren, look ye out among you seven men of honest report, full of the Holy Spirit and wisdom, whom we may appoint over this business.”
In an ideal world, brothers and sisters would see needs in many areas and meet them without prompting. But, as with the apostles, needs can be overlooked. The arranging brethren, by the nature of their position, should have a clear overview of the whole of the ecclesia and as such be in a position to notice needs. Prayerful observation will enable the brethren to see if needs are being met, especially if one or more, along with their wives, take a particular interest in the single parents among them. However we must be clear that the spiritual needs of the single parent family, or any other brother or sister for that matter, are not the sole responsibility of the arranging brethren. It is the responsibility of all brethren and sisters to care for others.
The bottom line is that any who wish to help at all should establish whether the person in need of help is actually receiving the help that is required. As we cannot count on the person to express his needs, this can only be achieved by directly asking the person concerned. Discussions have demonstrated to me that well-meaning brethren have completely misunderstood the needs of single parents and caused much distress in the process despite a sincere desire to help. We need to be good listeners.
Words of advice for those who care
Do not make decisions based on ignorance. If you do not know, personally, the situation you are concerned with, make it your business to get to know first hand. Never rely on hearsay or the opinions of others.
Be sensitive in your offers of help. One was left wondering about the pastoral care of the ecclesia because the “help” offered did not match the need. The help was based on assumptions which had not been checked out.
Learning through experience
Most of what we have written has concentrated on how we can help the single parent family. Yet here is another side to the picture. Our brothers and sisters experiencing tribulation are well equipped to help others in distress. When we know of someone suffering problems let us encourage those we know with expertise based upon experience and a sound understanding of the word of God to offer their help to others.
We tend to ostracize those whose life is not like ours. However the single parent has a lot to offer those who are suffering similar stresses.
Caring costs time
The only way to rebuild a child’s self confidence and to help him remove some of the mistrust he may have of adults is to be totally dependable over a long period of time. The same is true of the partner who is left to struggle on. Their experience has taught them, very painfully, that others cannot be trusted.
It is no good getting involved helping such a family as a short-term measure. Unless you are willing to make a long-term commitment, there is no point starting. If you want to help, work out strategies which include the children in your family activities. You might take the children with you on holiday. This is sound advice whether you have children of your own at home or not Invite the children around regularly; involve them in household tasks; treat them as part of your family rather than as visitors.
Do not feel that you have to invite the parent every time you invite the children. The children need their own space away from the parent. Including such a child in a local campaign, holiday or Bible school is an excellent idea.
Never try to draw the child to tell you his feelings about his situation. As trust grows he will open up at his own speed. However, do not be afraid to respond to issues raised by the children; but never be judgmental against anyone mentioned.
The helping hand
At the time of a marriage breakup, there is great need for sound advice in at least three areas – legal, spiritual and financial.
Brethren should use the expertise they have to reduce the burden of the problems. Yes, professional advice must be sought but it must be tempered by our understanding of the gospel. So, brethren, if you see a need rise to it. And above all, do not make the person you are helping feel that he is being a nuisance. Individuals who have lost their partner do not want to be a burden on others. We should make it clear that we want to help and do not consider ourselves being imposed upon.
When a single parent risks opening up to you, especially after you have initiated the enquiry, you must listen and be prepared to follow through the issues raised. Usually you are dealing with a very vulnerable person.
If you are in a family, you will realize that the single parent with children who is trying to encourage the children in regular Bible reading has a very difficult job. You can invite the family around to do the readings on a regular basis. You may even invite them for a meal before the readings some evening.
The single parent may even have summoned up enough courage to invite you and your family for Sunday lunch, or around one evening. Accept such invitations and consider how you will help the spiritual tone of the session. Above all, treat your hostess as you would like to be treated yourself. Don’t simply share the meal and then go home. If you are going to benefit from the physical sustenance afforded by the single parent, you must be willing to share some of the things you have to offer. Force yourself to talk to and maybe get involved in an activity with the children.
Once in the home, you are far better able to see if there are practical things that need attention. The single parent will rarely ask for specific help. They either do not want to burden others, or have asked in the past only to find that the requests never materialized into help. They may have become used to paying to have minor chores done which are outside their capabilities.
If you see a job that needs doing and offer your help it will doubtless be accepted – but do make sure you keep your promise, ideally within a couple of days of making the offer. Nothing undermines the morale of one in need of help as promises that are not kept.
Physical contact
Many of us may be reluctant to show emotion, especially in a physical way and we may feel even more constrained when confronted with the single parent Yet we all need physical contact; a hug of greeting does wonders to the self-esteem. A loving hug or kiss, a particularly warm handshake while maintaining eye contact, speaks volumes. It says that we care and want to be near the one we are touching. Lonely brothers and sisters really appreciate such acts. Children likewise need and respond to physical contact. Just because mother hugs daughter it does not mean that she does not need physical contact from others. A single mother, who was moving from the area where her marriage had failed, spoke of her daughter’s experiences. A close family friend was sitting talking to the young girl and just gave her a hug. The child started to cry. “No-. body has ever done that to me,” she said, although she was often hugged by her mother. The hug from the family friend was a mark of acceptance and clearly was much appreciated by the child.
When a brother or sister reaches out in a spiritually helpful and practical way, it is like being approached by Christ himself. Through the manifestation of God-like behavior, both the helper and the one helped are “shown” the Father. Let us be our sister or brother’s comforter (advocate); let us stand by and identify with them. It is a wonderful demonstration of Godly love.
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One