The Story Of Amnor And Tamar, two of king David’s grown-up children, does not make pleasant reading. It is worse than a typical celebrity scandal on the front pages of the tabloid press. Whatever can we learn about love from this base and sordid episode? There are four surprises in the Bible’s account of the tragic relationship between these two young people.
1st Surprise
The first surprise is that nothing at all is said about incest. Yet there can be little doubt that Amnon’s infatuation with his half-sister was incestuous. According to the Levitical code, whoever shall take his sister by his father or by his mother and shall see her nakedness, and she see his nakedness, it is wickedness; they shall be destroyed; they shall bear their sin. Whoever shall take a near kinswoman, it is uncleanness; they shall die childless.
Amnon was destroyed, but was it for incestuous love? It is interesting that although these sexual prohibitions in Leviticus seem so absolute, and almost savage in their penalties, there are recorded exceptions. Sarah was Abraham’s half-sister, although it could be said that this was prior to the Mosaic code. But Ruth was a near kinswoman to Boaz, and they certainly did not die childless! Indeed, the law in Deuteronomy actually required a man to marry his deceased brother’s wife.
In Amnon’s case, Tamar begs him to speak to their father, king David,for, she insists, surely he will not keep me from you. Is Tamar implying that royal prerogative could override the Levitical law? There is abundant evidence that in the ancient world of that time, royal families such as the Egyptian Pharaohs, married within degrees of close relationship that would be forbidden as incestuous among commoners.
2nd Surprise
We might think from the end of the story that there is nothing worthy in Amnon’s desire for Tamar, and that it was simple, uncontrolled lust. But the second surprise is that the Bible plainly says about Tamar that she was very beautiful and that Amnon loved her The word used for that love is agape in the Greek text and ahabah in Hebrew, so it was genuine love, not eroticism, for which there are quite different words. Personally, I cannot discern much that is spiritual in Amnon’s love, and I think I would have been less enthusiastic about seeking David’s approval to cozy up to and marry her immature brother than Tamar seems to have been. Clearly, Amnon’s love was of the popular romance type, and he showed little real affection in his love, but the Biblical author says it was love so we must accept it. It seems he became physically love sick: he was distressed even to sickness, for she was a virgin, and it seemed very difficult for Amnon to do anything to her. So at least he had a conscience, even if it wasn’t very tender. This reminds us that God is always more understanding of, and merciful toward, carnal weakness than deliberate sins committed presumptuously, or with a high hand.
3rd Surprise
The third surprise in the record is the most remarkable. In my opinion, it is the key to understanding at least one important reason why this sordid drama is in the Bible.
Rape and carnal abuse are considered by most of us to be serious and appalling sins, only one step short of murder. They are violations of our basic self hood and individuality. Some disgusting and disgraceful examples of sexual sins are given in horrible detail in Scripture. Amnon’s rape of Tamar is certainly one of them. The surprise in Amnon’s case is that he followed it up with what turns out to be a much greater sin. He calls a slave: Put this woman out and lock the door.
The research of social psychologists confirms our gut feeling that forced sex is not a good beginning for any permanent relationship, and is a poor omen for marital success. It is well known that the extravagant love that demands abuse soon turns to hate. Guilt and self-loathing are fixated on the poor victim. Of Amnon is it written: the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her, for the last wickedness was greater than the first. Tamar herself agrees: Sending me away is a greater mischief than what you have already done to me. We have got to understand how God views things.
The evil of abandonment
Think deeply on this. God and Tamar are telling us that abandonment of a relationship sealed by a sexual bond, or by serious promises of one, is a worse sin (and crime) than rape or carnal abuse. Since Augustine of Hippo, most Christians have treated sexual sins as the worst of all. With God, this is not so. The worst sin of all is hate. It was hate, not sexual abuse, that sealed Amnon’s doom. And remember, we don’t have to touch a person to hate them. The most terrible words in this story are Amnon’s to the woman he had deceived and violated: Arise, be gone.
The reason why this is so is the horror of the consequence: Tamar remained desolate. Carnal abuse may be revolting and its aftermath can be devastating. But to God, abandoning someone who should be close to us, permanently desolating the human spirit, destroying the standing and reputation of someone, is a far more grievous act of human pride and selfishness than a brief act of uncontrolled passion.
We have abundant evidence that this is God’s view. It helps to explain the seeming harshness of Moses’ law: If anyone shouldfind a young virgin who has not been betrothed, and should force her and lie with her and be found, she shall be his wife; he shall never be able to put her away. Evidently, abandoning a violated girl is a far worse sin than the abuse itself. Joseph, betrothed to Mary, even before they came together, must have been shocked by her evident pregnancy. But for him, public abandonment was not an option. His love for Mary did not turn to resentment and revenge. That was because he was a just man. The book of Hosea also shows us how God wants us to repair shattered relationships. In short, it is the consequences of our sinful acts, and the way we handle them, that reveal our true inward character in the eyes of God.
As a woman, deep down I know why God views hate crimes, especially secret ones, as worse than sex crimes. I am glad He does. During my Christian pilgrimage, I have known several very prominent church brothers who abandoned their fiancées in a hurtful manner and left them, like Tamar, desolate, sometimes for life. I have known others who have abandoned their wives, divorced and remarried. The church focuses on the physical remarriage, God on the hateful abandonment. And I have known many church elders who have abandoned their women in their spirit, abused them and treated them like dirt. The church may overlook it, but God will not. I realize that there are many women who abandon their menfolk too, with equally painful consequences. Sadly, we Christians focus so much on fornication and sex, and treat so lightly much worse sins that stem from hate. Take heed, God does not.
4th Surprise
The fourth surprise in this story is more subtle. What about David? This is what we are told: King David heard of all these things, and was very angry; but he did not grieve the spirit of his son Amnon, because he loved him (agape), for he was his .firstborn. To me, this is the saddest part of the whole story. Of course, David would love his son. But this tells me that David, by raising Amnon as a spoiled child, and by unwise favoritism afterwards, warped the young man’s character, and contributed to the disaster. Genuine parental love can easily excuse reprehensible behaviour. Without divine guidance, through very practical advice in the book of the Proverbs for example, and unchecked by the truth, even love can lead to awful catastrophes.
So this story is about love. It is a warning to young people. It is a warning to parents. And, like all scripture, it tells us that God knows and tests the heart.
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One