How Many Times Have We Heard It Said, or even uttered these words ourselves, during a funeral or someone’s catastrophic illness, “I’m there for you. Just let me know what I can do?” We all struggle to find words of comfort during those difficult times, and lapse into well-meaning, but empty clichés.
Sure, during the very early part of a personal tragedy, people “are there” for the sick and the bereaved. There is plenty of food and visitation in the early stage, but what about the long-term? Do these people become the forgotten of the ecclesia?
“Ah well, we have committees for that sort of ecclesial task. And I’m not really involved in that work. I have other assignments to fulfill in the ecclesia that keep me quite busy, thank you.”
One act of kindness done in faith is worth more than all the exhortations and fulfilled committee assignments for the year.
Don’t wait for someone to ask for help. Just do it. This doesn’t just apply to the sick and bereaved. Who among us needs help, but won’t ask? Most of the time we know who these brothers and sisters are. We must make it our business to be aware of the needs of each other. This doesn’t mean that we become ecclesial busybodies, poking our noses into other people’s business. It means we develop a loving awareness of what is going on with the members of our ecclesia.
Here are some practical suggestions, in no order of importance, that everyone in some fashion or other can do. If our faith is not impelling us to action, there is no real faith there.
- This is one of the main things we think about when it comes to “being there” for someone. This is an excellent thing to do. Nothing will cheer up a shut in, widow or caregiver more than a few minutes of your time. A phone call or card is wonderful to get from our brethren far away, but what of those in our own ecclesias?
With some of our old people, the only human voice they hear all day is from the TV. What a sad commentary that is. Don’t have much in common to talk about? Do the daily reading. Our common love of the truth and Bible study will almost always provide uplifting material that we are all interested in. Not on “the same wavelength?” Perhaps we don’t see eye-to-eye on some crochet? Listen to what they have to say without interrupting or debate. People are generally eager to talk about themselves and what they think. A word of caution. Don’t overstay your welcome. (“Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbor’s house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee” Prov. 25:17). Nothing can be more tiring to a sick person than to have hours-long visits in which the visitor recounts the horrors of his last medical procedure, how this disease is a killer, near-death experiences, how much worse it could be, the high cost of prescription medication, etc. Keep it positive and brief. And don’t talk about your problems. Listen to theirs. Don’t advise, don’t try to “fix” their problem and don’t judge.
Another word of caution. Keep confidences. There is nothing more damaging than exposing a confidence. Our community has been guilty of this and it has damaged our ability to “confess our faults one to another,” and trust one another. Who among us would feel comfortable telling a brother or sister that we have a drug or alcohol problem, or moral shortcoming, for fear that it will become grist for the Christadelphian mill?
Accept the hospitality of those you visit. We may be embarrassed that the elderly or sick want to feed us some little treat, or a cold drink for dropping by. We don’t want to inconvenience them and politely refuse. You have now disrespected their offering. Allowing them to reciprocate gives them a sense of usefulness, as well. They are unable to do much, but you have allowed them to give of themselves when they normally could not.
- Read to the elderly who can no longer easily read for themselves. I’ll always remember how much joy and pleasure for both of us that came from reading to my grandmother as she lay on her sick bed. Who wouldn’t be prepared to sacrifice an hour of TV for that?
- Who shovels the widow’s, caregiver’s or single mom’s sidewalk? More often than not, it’s probably a kindly next-door-neighbor. Don’t wait to be asked. Show up with a shovel if you are physically able and shovel that walk.
- Leaf and yard work. Same goes here. Those leaves and grass don’t get taken care of by themselves. In the name of politeness, who’s going to call you up and say, “you know, I need some leaves raked. Will you do that for me?”
- Home cleaning and maintenance. Whose house can’t use a little maintenance. The elderly are usually unable both physically and financially to do this for themselves. Show up with cleaning or painting tools. Clean a gutter. Sweep a sidewalk. Wash the windows. Perhaps we ourselves are unsuited physically for heavy-duty home maintenance? Find a reputable professional and pay them to do it. While this is not a hands-on act of kindness, it is a very practical way to offer your financial support where it can do some good. Note: don’t “spring” this on the elderly. They need time to absorb what is happening. Be there with the professionals so that there is a high level of comfort. Unfortunately, our society is plagued by the unscrupulous, who prey on the elderly. Be there to make sure it doesn’t happen.
- Deliver meals. Find out their favorite foods. Prepare meals that can just be popped in the oven. Use disposable containers that can be thrown away. Many of our elderly don’t get the proper nutrition they need. It’s too much trouble, or difficult for them to prepare their own food. Don’t call and say “Can I fix something for you? What would you like?” Just make something simple, tasty and reheatable. If it doesn’t appeal to their palates they will simply not eat it. However, your act of faith and kindness will encourage them.
- Baby sitting. Our young people generally have a good support network of parents and friends. However, there are times when they really need a break and can’t get one. Call them and arrange it. Give them the night off. Even if there is no immediate need, let them know that you are available in the future. They won’t refuse.
- A word about the caregiver. Here is the forgotten one of the ecclesia. The wife or husband who takes care of an Alzheimers-stricken parent or spouse. The list is endless. That person needs a break. That person needs a kind word. That person needs the practical support all of us are capable of giving. “Baby sit” for them. Go with them or take them to their medical appoints and keep them company. Take them to lunch. Take them for a drive in the country. A picnic in the park. Give them some time just for themselves. Get their car’s oil changed. Send them an anonymous gift certificate for food or other services. If there are financial difficulties, pay a bill in their name. Don’t wait for the arranging board to vote a financial contribution.
- Take time for the young. Usually there are planned activities for the young in our ecclesia, but it is usually confined to that age group with only a small adult representation. As we grow older, we find we have less and less in common with our young. Barriers inevitably form and, all too often, when one of our promising young people slides into the world, we ask ourselves why. If we would take a few moments with our young, we would probably have a better understanding of the why, and have a chance to change that. We all have fond memories of the old (35 or 40?) brother or sister who had a kind word for us, or did something special just for us. As long as we make such distinctions between the needs of the old and the young we build barriers in our ecclesias. We are no longer the extended family we should be.
- Encourage your children’s participation. This isn’t something reserved for adults. The young are thrilled to help and the elderly are delighted to see them. Even teens begrudgingly find satisfaction. As long as our young people and children consider these acts of kindness an “adults only” activity, they will be less inclined to participate in their adult years. A delightful fallout from this is our own families get closer and our children get to know the other members as more than semi-strangers they see only once a week.
- Special training or skills. Use those skills to help. Many of our younger members are computer whizzes. Teach someone how to use a computer. Teach them about e-mail. Give them your “worn out old PC” to use. Don’t wait to be asked.
- Musical talent. There is probably someone who would delight in hearing you display those talents. Why not rehearse the Sunday school music presentation at the home of a shut in, if they are able?
- The single adult set. Often there are those brothers and sisters who, for whatever reasons, have remained unmarried. Invite them out. Have them over for a meal. We assume that because they are young and vigorous there’s no reason for them to be lonely. Show them they haven’t been forgotten. It is unlikely that they will turn you down.
Time
We all live in a “time-constrained” world. Many, if not most, of our members are working moms. This is stress of the first magnitude.
The reason we are time-constrained is that we let it happen. If we are on “the treadmill;’ we let it happen. It was our choice. Never let it be said, ” I just don’t have the time.” What we are really saying is, ” I choose not to spend my time that way.”
Everyone has the same amount of time. I don’t have more than you, you don’t have more than I. It is a question of how we choose to spend that time.
There are few among us who do not live prosperous, and by the majority of the world’s standards, kingly lives. We drive expensive cars, live in large homes, spend thousands on entertainment and vacations. After all we do need that $40,000 SUV for Bible school trips, don’t we? That spiffy new flat screen TV is just the thing for the new family room. What’s another credit card debt? The kids really do need to go to that more expensive university. I need to work endless hours to get that promotion. The list goes on.
Doing with less
Who among us can’t do with less?
This is not to say that prosperity is evil in and of itself. The love of money can be as strong for the poor as the wealthy. The poor widow gave of her want, not of her abundance.
We should be prepared to give until it is inconvenient for us. This is the meaning of the “widow’s mite.”
We in North America have been blessed with a superabundance of material wealth previously unknown to the world. The task is being a faithful steward of what we have been blessed with by God.
Conclusion
Being a faithful steward of the resources God has blessed us with has real meaning for the spiritual welfare of the believer and the whole ecclesia. If we are only concerned with ourselves and our well-being, we have our “reward.” If our concern is for the welfare of others, we’re now on the right track. We don’t (or shouldn’t) do things out of a sense of “obligation,” “duty,” or because “it’s my turn.”
If we do these acts of kindness hoping somehow this will be “good for me in the long run,” maybe they’ll do something nice for me one day, these good deeds, while “good” and useful, are not acts of faith. This is not what the Lord wants from us. He wants the spontaneous acts of self-sacrifice born of a faith that expects nothing in return. This is the principle of the Atonement.
Let’s not wait for some large opportunity to help someone. No waiting for committee assignments. These things, while important in and of themselves, are not the faith-growing experiences that your spontaneous acts of self-sacrifice are — the small, practical things we all can do are what will knit us together as a true and vibrant ecclesial family to the glory of God.
Do we have problems in the ecclesia? What ecclesia does not? Will it ever be perfect? Of course not. Can it be a living, growing faithful family to the glory of God? Yes it can. But we have to take action. It won’t happen by itself, or with the words, “if there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. I’m there for you.”
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One