Rejected

His Can’t be happening! Someone please tell me it’s all just a big mistake; just a bad dream!

And yet, I know it was real, standing before the Lord Jesus Christ at the judgment seat in front of everybody. The Lord’s eyes had held a sad and disappointed look, “Depart from me,” he had said, “You never even tried.”

I was totally shocked! I’m going to miss the kingdom — a word I had known since childhood; a world I had imagined and waited for, and now me not a part of it! I had spoken then, “But Lord, there must be some mistake; I went to conferences, meetings, gatherings, I was baptized. I even did mis­sionary work for you! Didn’t I try, Lord? Surely there must be some mistake!”

He said, with a look of righteous indignation on his face, “The day of opportunity is over. Depart from me.”

Something in his face had finally made it all sink in. I had begged, pleaded, and cried and cried that I might be allowed to enter, but they had dragged me away from His presence; away from him, from family, from friends who looked so anguished for me; dragged into the company of all those who had denied the Lord in their lives. A sinking feeling had then filled my stomach, like nothing else I’ve ever felt — my mind struggling to come to grips with what was happening — just not comprehending the finality of it all. That was IT, there was no more hope and I knew it. No second chance, nothing.

And to think I could have been there with all of those who are now on the verge of immortality, their struggles over, glory and honor before them, victory, total joy and happiness spending eternity with their Lord in a beautiful new world. But my opportunity to be there is over.

Now for the first time in a long time I have all the time in the world to really see myself as I truly am. “You never even tried.” And now I see how all of Christ’s life was a struggle to overcome the flesh, right to his death on the cross. How could I have thought that I was anything like him? I had always wanted to study the life of Christ — see how he overcame, put myself in his shoes in various situations, wanting to know him more; to have him as my closest friend, but I never took the time. It was like an open door beckoning me time and time again, but life was just too busy. How stupid! He was my example to follow, but I never even tried to apply his reactions to my life.

Deep down I guess I thought that missionary work or helping out others would make up for my complete lack of effort to change my character. I see it now, that’s what it was — complete lack of effort. And God, who is not willing that any should perish, had given me all that I needed to work on that. I had a conscience to prick me, to shine the light of God’s Word on all of my actions. I knew full well that I should give my parents nothing less than honor, yet it never went further than just the knowing. I knew full well that I got annoyed far too easily and yet each time it happened, I just let it run its course, not stopping to care who might get hurt or what unreasonable things I might say. After I would feel bad, and know I had disobeyed God again, but I never got ready and fortified for the next time it happened. Where was my struggle? Where was my strong crying to God to have Him change me? I just gave in every time. He lovingly gave me so many opportunities to change. He opened my eyes through various circumstances to see ways I needed to change, only to have me close them again in slothful spiritual sleep. He gave me an angel to bring about things in my life, but nothing worked for long. He loved me so much, wanted me to be in the Kingdom so much, but I never responded with perseverance. He kept His end of the covenant with all His might. I have no one but myself to blame.

Why didn’t I realize all this before, when I could have changed!? I remember now with such shame how many memorial meetings have gone by when I have sleepily shared in bread and wine but been too tired to have really examined my life like I’m doing now. And I can remember never even really praying or caring that I would be any other way. Oh, the horrendous regret! I’m so ashamed of myself.

Now that I think about prayer; I realize I just never persevered. I remember going for days, weeks and even months sometimes without praying at all! I didn’t cast my cares on God or really seek His help and guidance. I seemed to save that just for the “big” things, not realizing that the little things were shaping my life.

Many things are becoming so much clearer now. I see how much partiality was in my heart, helping those I wanted to, and not really trying to reach out to the more difficult, hard-to-handle situations where effort might be required. I see how many times I let the opinions of others influence me and lead me to disobey God’s commands. I think also of how many brothers and sisters I had been privileged to meet worldwide, yet feeling so regretful that I didn’t pray at all for them.

There were times when the clouds would clear for a moment, and for a moment the truth of how it all really was would shine through pure and clear. I made resolutions at those times. They lie in a file somewhere.

Can you understand? All of my life I’ve lived in a kind of procrastinating frame of mind. I’d do it better later; I’d change tomorrow, then I would read God’s word; then I would say a more heartfelt prayer. By God’s grace and mercy I’ve had days, weeks, months and years of tomorrows. It was almost like I figured I’d turn it all on at the end, like overnight become a better person. Now that is all gone. Now I have no more opportunities. Why was my mind so unreceptive to the thought that one day this would be the case? It’s final! The decision has been made. I’m not going to be in the Kingdom.

Now all that awaits me is this fearful, heart-wrenching and utter loneliness and this hatred of myself that I didn’t take the time to meditate and see all this in my character before, when I could have appealed to God’s mercy and help in order to change — the time when I had the vastness of that mercy before me, when He so wanted me to be in the Kingdom. I’m so scared to be in this world , knowing there is no longer an angel to guard me, to work with me. I’m completely empty. No one would hear my prayers now. There’s no use doing the readings. I used to feel so happy when I looked at God’s creation all around me, thinking we were on the same side. Now it seems all against me. And my mind will just not let me rest in its condemnation.