I am Writing this because it has come to my attention that you are planning to marry outside the Faith and I am very concerned for your well being and happiness. I am a sister who has been in that very situation for a long while. I am intimately aware of the special problems it can cause for you and for your future children. Please hear me out while I seek to help you avoid this tragedy.
My dearest, please reconsider. If the person you have become betrothed to is the one God intended, and if you make it a matter of earnest prayer holding fast to the Faith, God will turn your beloved’s heart to the Truth. But if you make the faith of little importance in a decision as life altering as this, you will so dearly regret it.
I would seek to spare you this life of anguish. Marriage is difficult under the best of circumstances. Trying to blend your life with the life of an unbeliever on such an intimate level is infinitely more difficult, if not impossible, when you do not have the same faith. With such a difference in point of view, the oneness that marriage is supposed to create cannot be accomplished.
The heartbreak of such a situation is something I’ve lived with for over 20 years. How many are the tears that I have shed because of it. I love my husband and my children, but that has not been enough to overcome the problems caused by the lack of oneness in my marriage outside the Faith.
I don’t know who you are, but I don’t have to know you to know how this kind of situation can break down a wonderful relationship. The wall of separation that begins to grow, though it is intangible and invisible, is one that looms large in the home. The children cannot help but see it and begin to make choices for one side or the other, depending on which one is most convenient for meeting their ends at the time. It is even difficult to make an issue of something after marriage if it wasn’t an issue beforehand. For me this is how it was, because I was raised outside the Faith, married, then baptized. My husband knew right away that this would change our relationship. I was the one who said, “I don’t think so.” But he was right and the changes were such that I was not prepared to deal with. That wall of separation has done its damage to myself, to my husband, and to my children. It has created so much conflict in our home that my children reel from it. They are perhaps permanently scarred.
What is your future spouse’s attitude toward raising children in the Truth? Do you know? Even if he is amenable, if he has no intention of being actively involved in that education, what effect do you think that will have on their acceptance? A man doesn’t have to openly oppose the Faith to damage your walk or that of your children. All he has to do is be involved for there to be negative effects. I know this to be true by experience.
Beginning with the kinds of movies thought to be acceptable for young eyes to see, to the kinds of toys and games to buy, to the kinds of books to allow, to the methods of discipline and the reasons for discipline, the number of possible conflicts in any marriage over child rearing is endless. Differing attitudes toward materialism, humanism, education, employment, finances, and the temporal nature of this life can all strain a marriage. However, in a mixed home, these conflicts take on a life of their own. They don’t go away. As parents in the Faith, we seek to shield our children from the evil influences of the world. A spouse outside the Truth will not have the same focus because he can’t understand those concerns. Spiritual blindness prevents him from seeing the harm of certain things and then children see that one parent approves of worldly things while the other doesn’t. They learn, ever so subconsciously, that the parent in the Faith is old-fashioned, a fuddy-duddy, or a fanatic. This is so damaging to the children, and it damages the marital relationship, too. It is very difficult to dismiss this kind of belittling characterization when it is coming from one’s spouse and being ingrained into her children. It breeds a tremendous amount of resentment that is difficult to erase.
Think about your children. Love them enough now to provide the nurturing stability of two parents who will together actively take part in preparing them for eternal life. Children desperately need the example of both parents to weather the storms of life with faith intact. As the Lord knows, we need so much to keep our faith intact, but the children need even more, especially in the dark days we live in now.
Love yourself enough now to provide yourself with the security of knowing that if you disagree with your spouse on an issue, God’s word will guide you both in resolving it. If you don’t have that, you will struggle so much more. It pains me to tell you that, but it is the honest truth of the matter. It will break your heart. God forbid, but if you have a child whose eternal life comes to the brink because of it, you will die a thousand deaths. God loans us His children so that we can train them and give them back to Him in His service. How can failure be an option? Can this kind of situation build your faith? Of course it can. If you love God, all things work together for good. But there are ways of building faith that are far less dangerous than walking on the wall of separation between yourself and your spouse. This wall doesn’t come down as easily as the one in Berlin did. Instead, it seems to constantly fortify.
Beloved, if you love the Faith, if you love God, put Him and His way first. Everything else in your life will eventually line up as it should. God said, “He who gets wisdom, loves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will find good” (Prov. 19:8 NKJV) Don’t deny yourself the benefit of having God’s wisdom actively involved in all aspects of your marriage. Don’t turn your back on wisdom and understanding.
I pray that the experience of my years in Christ in an unequally yoked marriage will speak to your heart. I pray you will see your way clear to make a better choice, because even in the best of circumstances, marriage outside of the Faith is full of trouble. I know. I’ve been there for a much longer time than I ever dreamed possible. Every sister I know in this situation knows exactly what I am telling you. Ask us. We all experience the same heartache. I pray that you will not join us.
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One