Summary
“The fairy tale romance is typically the story of a boy and girl attracted to each other with magical passion, enduring some perverse trial that threatens to destroy them and painfully end their relationship, but they conquer all and go on to live happily ever after. Unfortunately in real life almost all the challenges begin after the fairy tale ends. No matter how hard we try there will always be potholes and humps along the road in any relationship. But the mutual caring, love and emotional support of a husband or wife can make all the difference in whether or not we persevere.”
This book offers sound, proactive, Biblical advice on how to build and maintain a happy marriage.
Introduction
The author of this very important book is a respected brother in North America, who, along with his wife Mary have had over 50 years of marriage. They have counselled many couples, often dear friends, on multifaceted aspects of marriage. Also they have given sound Biblical and practical advice to many seeking marriage in the Lord. The book is based partly on a series of articles published in The Christadelphian Tidings (the monthly fraternal magazine of the North America community).
The sole purpose of this book is an attempt to provide sound, proactive, Biblical advice to brothers and sisters on how to have a “happy marriage”. Their hope and prayer is that the book will be of help to brothers and sisters throughout the world in facing the many strains, hardships and temptations that inevitably occur in the course of married life.
Content
The book begins with a look at marriage in the twenty-first century, comparing it with the way in which it was arranged, often by parents, in Bible times (and still is in some parts of the world). Even though men and women often make their own free choices of when to marry, it does not mean that we are necessarily wiser or happier in terms of our relationships — invariably it is quite the opposite! Statistics from North America, United Kingdom and Australia painfully reveal that second and third marriages fail at an even greater rate than first marriages!
The failure of marriage tends to peak almost universally from between the seventh to the eleventh years of marriage and not early on! Often it is caused by pent up frustrations that have remained unresolved, until they eventually lead to a rupture in the relationship.
Not only does this book explain why there are so many causes of unhappy marriages, but it gives realistic advice based on God’s principles that help everyone to put into practice the guidelines that God has given for our benefit.
The author makes it very plain that marriage is a God given institution and should therefore be taken very seriously. He has tackled such subjects as “choosing wisely”, “making love last”, “committing to a relationship” and “setting realistic expectations.
He also analyses the reason why people nowadays often do not enter into marriage but just partner someone with no life commitment! It is a reflection of the emphasis that our society places on self-fulfillment; it’s all about me; getting and not giving. Few realize that the “more selfish you are the less happy you are!”
The key to success, says John, in a chapter on “Becoming Simpatico”, is open communication. The advice of Paul in Ephesians chapter 4 on talk and action, the combination of which builds up rather than breaks down, is so important. Even if you are absolutely right or if you think your way is more logical, it does not automatically make for a better solution. Rarely is there a perfect resolution to a problem — sometimes good enough is enough, suggests John. Reminding your partner of all their other faults, that are not relevant to the issue at hand, means you go nowhere fast!
The author states the obvious in some areas e.g. “it is unrealistic to expect any marriage to sail along without hitting rough waters from time to time. We must not try to resolve conflict by destroying the character and ego of our partner. Only a person who has completely given up their own identity would be able give in to every conflict; and that is a form of abuse.” Perhaps one of the worst disagreements is on how to handle finances and the practical advice given is very relevant on this major issue, whether we are married or not.
“Finding wise counsel” is of great importance and a chapter is devoted to it. John strongly suggests that all ecclesias should seriously consider pre-marital counselling — and I strongly support that view from a life-time of experience in our body. You would certainly be on the right track if you based it on this book!! Who should give the guidance to a potential couple, and when it is best done, is considered, but wisdom is the principal thing.
“Earning a living” receives incisive treatment in a chapter which is full of Scriptural advice again, but in the context of the modern world with all its promotion of self-centeredness.
The major issues of “having children” and “raising them in the Lord” takes a further two chapters. The critical subject of discipline for children is treated in depth with lots of down to earth advice based on God given guidelines and examples — not the latest theories from child development gurus!
Two further chapters deal with the every important topics of “immorality – before and after marriage” and “intimacy — its contribution to a happy marriage.” The “one flesh” principle is clearly established as the benchmark in both Old and New Testaments in spite of the influence of the heathen world that surrounded the physical and spiritual Jews! I quote “The Bible does not avoid discussing marriage intimacy and neither should we”. It is very interesting to see how the author expands on this and makes it relevant to everyone. He says “This book cannot possibly do more than open the door to this weighty subject”. (There are many further sources of information at the end of every chapter).
“In-laws and Out-laws” is an intriguing chapter. After giving some Scriptural rules to remember, John says that he can personally testify that these maxims work having faced these situations in his own life, as well as witnessing other brothers and sisters relationships. Whom John calls “Outlaws” and their effect on a marriage is very illuminating, especially when he shows how they should be handled in a happy marriage.
As already stated, differences normally occur in any marriage and the author devotes his penultimate chapter to “Resolving Conflicts”. After reviewing the major reasons for disagreement, John gives Biblical ways of dealing with anger. He explores Ephesians 4 again and realistically says it is our human nature that lets us down. Yet anger does not necessarily lead to sin, he says, but we must not let it fester. Essential practical measures are then outlined and of great interest are his “Dos and Don’ts” list.
A cooling off period is recommended when emotions take over, but this is no excuse for not dealing with the problem. “Clamming up and refusing to work out a problem can drive an even bigger wedge in a relationship” he says.
And what if an impasse is reached? Seeking counsel from parents or other in-laws who are nonjudgmental may help, but often advice is best sort elsewhere — as long as wisdom is there! Obviously we have a huge advantage in our community over the secular world because of the good number of mature married couples that can help. Even then, John suggests, professional counselling may be in order, but do remember the support networks that exist — under different names — in North America, the UK, and Australia. “I am sorry, forgive me; I will try to do better in future” is a valuable recommendation that he makes.
“Till death do us part” is the final chapter. John again uses God given principles to guide his comments, but also looks at the situations where things do not go according to plan. Manmade solutions like divorce, do not bring happiness, and often financial hardship follows in their wake, as well as upsetting the balance in family life.
Man has come up with ingenious methods to alleviate the suffering but all the models are in serious contraction to the way of Christ and our Father. “The wife of our youth” should be for life as we all know. Even retirement can bring new challenges in a relationship with both being in each other’s company more. And what about weightier issues like “serious illness, intimacy problems, adult children difficulties, diminishing income, ageing parents and so on” he says. A good solution is given in principle along with practical advice. John, in a page and a half reviews the guidelines that he has provided throughout the book; it is quite a revelation, but you will have to read it for yourself to find out.
Conclusion
I consider this book a truly major contribution to the subject of marriage. Not only is it recommended to all age groups, married or not, but it gives a spiritual as well as practical dimensions on how to have a happy life. If our King delays his return, this book will go a long way to helping our survival and the health and happiness of our community worldwide.
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