“But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope” (1 Thess 4:13).
Introduction
In my editorial last month, I talked about the bitterness that is sometimes unfortunately associated with personal bereavement and tragedies. But there is an associated problem that also sometimes occurs. Some ecclesial members have a surprising reaction to any expression of grief over the death of a loved one or brother or sister. It is, I have heard commented, improper to express deep grief over the departure of a loved one, because we have the hope of resurrection, unlike the erroneous hope of some of those around us. I believe this is unfortunate, and perhaps causes unnecessary stress in already difficult situations. I believe grief at the departure of a loved one does not preclude the recognition of the hope we share: we sorrow, but not as those who have no such hope.
Bereavement1
The death of a loved one, whether it is that of a parent, child, spouse, or anyone you are close to, is a deeply traumatic event. It is almost as though you have lost a limb, in many cases, because over the course of time they have become such a part of one’s life. In previous generations grief, prolonged grief, was expected, and widows in particular wore obvious mourning clothing. We can think of Sister Lasius, daughter of John Thomas, who wore widow’s black all her long life after her brief marriage to Benjamin Lasius. Sister Jane Roberts, a strong, competent wife and help-meet of Robert Roberts, is also shown in such raiment in all the later pictures I have seen of her. Such is no longer expected today: there is no outward sign of the grief that almost always accompanies the loss of a spouse. But grief is still deeply felt, even though the obvious outward signs are no longer seen. So how is one to cope?
Grief is inevitable where there has been love and affection — the greater the love, the deeper the grief. It goes through many distressing phases before there is acceptance and healing. It takes time and cannot be hurried. The loss of a loved one has much in common with major surgery: a living part of ourselves has been cut off. There is a deep internal wound, pain, mental and physical shock and an exhausting weariness of mind and body, along with sensitive scars which leave their mark for life. The patterns of grief are at last being recognized by doctors and others who have to deal with the medical and social problems that so often arise, especially when it has been bottled up and suppressed. In fact, in the recent discussions in the USA surrounding the update of the standard work on the diagnosis and treatment of mental illnesses, grief is proposed to be included as a recognized condition. Unfortunately, this can mean the prescribing of strong psychotic medicines, when all that is really needed is the comfort of our hope and the support of the brethren and sisters.
So how can we help? We should attend the funeral if at all possible. It is a great comfort to the bereaved to feel others around them at this time, sharing the service and helping through this difficult day by their presence. Some, having suffered the trauma of bereavement, avoid attending the funerals of others, fearing the opening of personal wounds — but in fact this seldom happens. If we have suffered a similar bereavement, we have to remember how glad we ourselves were to have support at this time. If we have been very deeply hurt ourselves it is very unlikely that we shall ever feel quite so upset again, but the understanding gained from our own painful experience will enable us to give the love, sympathy and support that is so badly needed at this time. And if we do weep with those that weep it does not matter, for it shows that we care.
The full impact of loss comes after the relatives and friends have all gone, and then it is that kindly emails, letters, visits and phone calls are most appreciated. The problems that face the bereaved do not just disappear in a week or two: most of them are just beginning and may go on for a very long time. Just one visit, letter or phone call or offer of help is seldom sufficient. Loneliness and grief do not vanish just because the bereaved person is back at the meetings and putting on a brave face.
Indeed most of us find it of very difficult to appreciate the depth of those who have lost a companion of many years. When it says “the two will become one flesh” (Matt 19:5), the depth of the feeling of loss is only made greater by the closeness of the bond. And even though death comes to all men, the death of a spouse is rarely really expected: we hope against hope, and expect medical miracles, even when the prognosis is poor.
The shattering effect of a death sometimes reduces faith to a low ebb. Death itself is a frightening experience. Doubts may torment or the love of God be questioned. Here we must try to be reassuring, using Scriptural examples, and in every way possible encourage them to maintain their faith and attendance at the various meetings of the ecclesia. The discipline of doing this, plus the participation in worship — even passively, and the loving fellowship of the brethren and sisters, will prove helpful and healing, though it will not happen all at once. Time lessens the impact, but deep grief can linger for a long time. The deeper the love between the two, the greater the impact of the loss.
Our hope
The sorrow we have, as Paul expresses, is not as others in the world around us.
“For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep” (1 Thess 4:14).
So we have the hope of a future life in the Kingdom to come. We might not have the same type of grief, and we do not in general grieve for the lack of future hope of those who have died. But we do grieve for the lack of the companionship of the person. I know quite well my father had this hope, but I still grieve inside when I think of him, even though he lived a long, fruitful and faithful life. To expect someone not to grieve for the loss of a loved one, and to comment critically when such grief is expressed, is most unhelpful in such a circumstance. We do have an imperative instead to help those in need, and it is clear that there is such a need is in times of bereavement.
Death comes to all, and it is inevitable that we shall all experience some type of bereavement. Only some of us will feel the death of a spouse, but this is undoubtedly the most extreme form of a grief inducing experience. Grief might be “normal”, but is no less deeply felt. Some might seem to cope quite well, with little overt evidence of deep grief — but inside be feeling a sense of extreme hopelessness and loss of faith. Some might be very open in their grieving, but be strong in their faith. And some might be both openly grieving and experiencing a troublesome doubt about the love of God, as we mentioned above.
So how can we help ourselves, as opposed to help others cope with bereavement? Prayer is a vital part of any healing process, but it is very difficult to pray either when in a state of shock or in acute grief; the mind cannot concentrate. At this stage all we need to pray for is the strength to get through the immediate day, and if we limit our thinking and problems to the needs of that one day the strength is given. We do not need to plan ahead. The Lord Jesus tells us: “Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof” (Matt 6:34).
Conclusion
Grief, especially after bereavement, is a normal part of human experience. It might be helped by the hope we have, but we grieve for the loss of companionship, not for the loss of the hope of a future life. Indeed, we do not grieve quite as those who do not have hope, but we grieve nonetheless. We instead wait for the return of our Lord and Savior.
“Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words” (1Thess 4:17-18).
“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” (Rev 21:4).
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One