As a community, we are normally aware of the needs of our fellow brothers and sisters. The sick, the elderly, the bereaved, the widows and others are mentioned in our public and private prayers. Their needs are addressed by words of comfort and encouragement in our exhortations.
We also remember single brothers and sisters, encouraging them to marry in the Lord and praying that God will guide them in finding a suitable partner for life. We pray for those who are just married and those who are expecting a child. Exhortations are directed to help those with children and grandchildren that they might nurture and admonish them as the Lord does ourselves. Instruction is given to husbands and wives as to the principles of godliness they are to follow in their relationships.
In my experience, however, there is one situation that is habitually left out of our prayers and exhortations: the broken family. We all wish there were no such situations in our midst.
In fact, we avoid discussing the matter for fear that recognition may be mistaken for acceptance. But regrettably, the broken family is among us! With the divorce rate so high in the world, it is inevitable that some of us will be affected by this unhappy circumstance. We may be one of the partners who split up; we may be parents of one of the divorcees; we may be the child of a divorced couple who has lived through the agony of watching his home torn apart.
No happy memories
In some ways, losing a partner through divorce hurts more than losing him through death. Death is a natural cessation of life and we are prepared for it from our birth. Sorrowful as it may be, when the death of one’s partner occurs, one can eventually accept it. The happy memories remain; the loved one’s photograph stays in open view; the hope burns bright that one day, in God’s grace, we will see the face of our beloved again and share joyous association in the kingdom.
Divorce is different. When a husband goes off with another woman, the deserted wife has no fond memories. She is overwhelmed with a feeling of rejection and desperation. Her mind is filled with a tense struggle to forsake bitterness and to practice forgiveness. If she is bereft of financial support, her life becomes a grinding tedium burdened by the ever-present knowledge that her former husband could have prevented this.
If a wife has taken the children and left her husband, he has no good thoughts to comfort him, only a daily warfare to keep from being consumed with anger. If he is left with children to care for, suddenly his life is thrown into a turmoil of domestic responsibilities on top of daily work. His children have to do without the loving and devoted ministrations of a mother all because one woman selfishly put her own desires first.
In these circumstances, there are no happy memories. There is nothing but a dreadful emptiness and the awful sense of guilt.
No innocent parties
Brethren may debate about the remarrying rights of the “innocent party” in a divorce case, but deep in one’s heart, one never shakes a feeling of failure and guilt. One is plagued with the everlasting question, “Why?” What did I do wrong? Where did I fail? Why was I unaware of my partner’s dissatisfaction? The unbearable feeling of failure goes on interminably until the mind becomes warped by it and private worship is affected.
Parents and children of the divorced couple feel guilt as well. Parents worry about the advice they gave or that which they withheld. Did they interfere too much? Should they have given more financial help? They wonder why they did not foresee the problem during the courtship period and warn the couple of impending trouble. If they did, they worry they did not state the point clearly enough or grieve that they evoked in their child a desire to rebel against their counsel. Children may not be able to verbalize their consternation, but they feel certain they are to blame for contributing to their parents’ estrangement.
Inevitably, family members take sides: sometimes a mother sides with the son-in-law and father with their daughter so that their own harmony is torn asunder. The couple’s circle of friends will often be divided in their sympathies for one partner against the other, causing strife among them as well. It is like throwing a pebble into a pond with the ripples extending far in every direction.
Bearing the stigma
Divorce may be more common around us, but it still carries with it a stigma that makes it distasteful to deal with. This is true in society at large and is particularly true in the brotherhood. It is something we wish did not exist and therefore we have a tendency to blind our minds to the situations that are in our midst.
There is probably no brother or sister who wanted divorce forced on them. But when it comes, it is a fact and, stigma or not, help is needed.
Others can help
What do we do about these lonely and bewildered brothers and sisters? Do we pray for them the same way we pray for the bereaved? Are we aware of their desperation and their need to talk out their problems?
A sister on her own with young children is still a family in the Lord. A brother may be seeing his children only monthly on some outing, but he still hopes he can influence them for good. The divorced person may have grandchildren on whom he places all of his hopes for some of his family coming to the truth.
In some cases, the divorced person has family who no longer wants anything to do with him. In other cases, he is left alone after 30 years of sharing and caring with a person who now lives nearby but with somebody else. Facing one’s remaining years alone is a sad plight for anyone but it is a particularly bitter prospect for one who feels the situation was avoidable.
In our prayers, our exhortations and our fellowship, we remember those who are alone for various reasons. Let us not forget those who are alone because their marriages broke down. Such brothers and sisters are still part of the family of God. Even more than many others, they need the love and support and understanding of the only family left to them — their brothers and sisters in Christ.
It may be that through prayer and loving ministration, strife can be relieved, children can be instructed and stability established by caring members of the ecclesial family.
We trust we will not be tried beyond what we are able to bear, and we believe that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose (I Cor. 10:13; Rom. 8:28). But we also know that we do not successfully bear some trials that we should and that we bring some problems on ourselves. Until the Lord comes and reveals the secrets of the heart, we will not know the end of many matters.
We do know, however, that some experience an anguish of heart over the breakdown of their marriages. We also know that the love and support of the ecclesial family is needed. God is gracious in His kindly concern for those whose circumstances place them at a disadvantage. We manifest Him when we practice a similar empathy to those who have been hurt by a broken home (Ex. 22:22-27; James 1:27).
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One