My Son

Dear Uncle Tom,

I watched him as he approached the platform, hand extended to receive his certificates of honor. I watched him — my son, my only child. And I clapped louder than I had for the other students for this was my son.

He is 14 years old now, and these were his last few days of “middle school” or “junior high.” I remember how cautious he was about entering this school; it was so much larger than his elementary school. He had the usual concerns: Would any of his friends be in his classes? Would he receive all the courses he wanted? What would his teachers be like? How quickly would he learn the routine of changing classes every period? Would he get lost in the tangle of halls and rooms? Etc., etc. All very real concerns for a little boy of 11.

But now he is 14. Now he is taller than I am, and how he loves to pat Mom on the head and bend over me to give me a good-bye kiss in the mornings. Now he can wear some of his father’s clothes, and my son’s hand-me-downs (all the favorite t-shirts!) have become mine. Now his voice is deeper, his body almost a man’s. We laugh at the very fuzzy legs, but note that the chest is still a “plucked chicken chest.” The new razor we bought him for his fourteenth birthday is not yet used as a daily procedure, but we know the time is coming. Recently, the dentist removed the braces for our teenager, and now we all struggle to remember which pants pocket the retainers are in. Or were they protectively wrapped in a tissue and accidentally tossed out with some paper napkins?

The changes are many, and we marvel at this stage of growth and development. And yes, we sometimes “marvel” that the same bright kid who wins prizes for academic achievement can’t remember to do three things on his way through the house from point A to point B.

So many changes have come about in the 14 years since we brought him home, all brand new, from the hospital. And this is the son for whom 1 prayed and waited through those seemingly endless days. (Do all pregnancies swell to 10 months instead of the expected nine?) As the years went by, we wondered why the government doesn’t insist that all parents-to-be earn a special license to raise kids. After all, most anyone can drive a car, but this parenting is serious business!

This is the son for whom I prayed, and for whom I continue to pray. I pray that our Heavenly Father will guide us in our efforts to direct this teenager, not only in his day-to-day schooling needs, but also, especially also, in his relation­ship with the Father Himself and with His Son. Because this son, for whom I prayed, must discern right from wrong, truth from error, the way of life from the way of death. And I so want him to choose life, to grow in favor with God and man. For this honor is the only honor award worth striving for: “Well done, thou good and faithful servant; enter thou into the joy of thy Lord.”

Mom

Dear Mom,

Your words bring back memories and strike a responsive chord in our heart. We can see we agree in our reactions to a teenager.

We should not assume that children heading into their teen years are headed into troubled times. The two need not be synonymous. If fact, the child’s development into a young adult can result in his becoming an enjoyable companion to his parents.

Interesting questions will arise

We may no longer have to wipe runny noses and bandage up painful scrapes, but a lot of “nursing” still goes on. Every child has a mind and a will of his own, but an older child will assert himself and challenge authority. When this happens, a skillful parent must curb the youngster’s will without crushing his personality. You don’t need a state license to know how to do this, just good old-fashioned love for your child and for God.

He will ask questions and every reasonable question deserves a well thought-out answer. In fact, the intellectual queries of youth should be used as excellent opportunities to instill divine principles as well as answer practical questions.

One thing that can throw a parent off-balance in this regard is that the questions are not always presented as humble inquiries. They frequently come across as belligerent challenges to parental suggestions. Depending on our reaction, we can turn the situation into a hostile contest of wills or we can seize upon it as an opportunity to instruct the youngster in principles of godliness.

For example, “Why shouldn’t we read most best seller novels and love stories?” Answer: “Because they’re not spiritually edifying and often contain sexually explicit material and vulgar language.” But then go on to explain that, by reading such books, we are living a fantasy. Many people live unrealistic lives, regularly seeking refuge and escape in motion pictures, wild vacations, trashy novels, sex, alcohol and drugs. We must keep our minds rooted in reality and concentrating on spiritual things for our objective is eternal life.

Changes present opportunities

The marked intellectual and physical changes you have noted can be a grand opportunity for helping your child to become a pleasant companion. He will go ahead of you in some areas of learning. This can make you feel insecure but it can also give you someone to learn from. Your child turns from a dependent into a companion capable of mutually beneficial interchange.

In the physical area, “Dad” is going to find out he is no longer faster and stronger than his son in every respect. He can view the change as a personal challenge and react with competitive hostility. Or he can rejoice in the normal development of his son and can delight in having a companion who can engage him on his own (or higher) level of skill.

You now have ahead of you the high school years. More than ever firmness must be blended with loving understanding, but not with permissive indulgence. Restrictions placed upon social activities connected with school must be constantly replaced by happy family activities and, if possible, ecclesial ones.

You sound like you are well on your way in this regard and we encourage you, with the Lord’s help, to complete the job which began more than 14 years ago when the Lord granted you the desire of your heart in the fruit of your own body.

Lovingly,
Uncle Tom