An Unexpected Problem

Dear Uncle Tom,

Last week, I was talking to a young brother who told me that his dad is fascinated with pornographic material.

My friend found an X-rated video in a drawer and couldn’t figure out how it got in the house. When he mentioned it to his dad, one comment led to another until his father basically broke down and confided in him. He habitually read pornographic magazines and viewed porno movies. What made my friend particularly disheartened is that his dad has been in the meeting for 30 years and an arranging brother for much of that time.

Since he found out about his own father, my friend has come to learn that other brethren have a similar problem. Making the situation worse is the rationalizing comments that some have made like, “Pornography is a victimless pursuit,” “Isn’t a little indulgence better than having an affair?” or “Watching pornographic movies helps me have a better sexual relationship with my wife.”

Am I naive in being shocked? Could brethren practice such self-deception? Is my friend making too much of a very isolated problem?

Yours in Christ,
Jim

Dear Jim,

l’m afraid you’ve become aware of a problem more prevalent than we would have imagined. Because of the high ideals in Christ, we sometimes have trouble facing up to serious failure in our lives. Those who have problems like alcoholism or addiction to pornography are often too embarrassed to mention them and seek the necessary help. I suppose they are also worried about others talking about them because we have a community that is much like a large family. Whatever the reason, some wrestle with chronic sins that should be confessed and dealt with rather than covered up.

Our society makes it difficult

One of the real problems with pornography in our society is its ready availability. After getting your letter, I did a little survey of four convenience stores within a mile of our house. On average, they had 15 pornographic magazines available for sale as well as a variety of X-rated videos to rent. And this is in a middle-class area which supposedly is populated by morally conservative people.

A second problem is that carnal conduct does not bring social censure. For example, a Quebec judge recently ruled that a man publicly exposing himself in a topless lounge was innocent of any crime because “community standards were not violated.”

God’s approbation is clear

Social conditions cannot, however, be our standard; we must be governed by the word of God. And when we look at it, there can be no doubt about what God wants. Consider some of the pertinent verses:

We are to behave “decently, as in the daytime. ..not in sexual immorality…” (Rom. 13 :13 , all quotes from NIV).

“The acts of a sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery” (Gal. 5:19).

“Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity…for these are improper for God’s holy people” (Eph. 5:3).

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires” (Col. 3 :5 ).

These statements are clear and surely rule out brethren resorting to pornographic material.

Secular studies reveal the problem

Because of the proliferation of pornography today, a number of people have studied the impact it has on husbands in regard to their wives. The conclusion is that it has a seriously damaging affect on harmonious marital relationships. Here are some ideas from recent items that I have clipped out as I saw them:

In pornography, “the holy communion of the sexual relationship between a husband and a wife is trivialized. Pornography attacks the concepts of love, affection, commitment, and fidelity” (Pornography: Private Right or Public Men­ace, pg. 185).

In pornography, women are portrayed as indiscriminately promiscuous beings who exist only to bring sexual gratification to a male. In studies by researchers, exposure to even soft-core porn caused men and women to make unfavorable comparisons between their spouse and the subjects portrayed in pornographic material.

The noted Christian counselor Tim LaHaye has stated that roughly 60% of all sexual problems in marriage can be traced to the use of pornography.

Sociologist Diana Miller found that use of pornography caused men to act violently toward their spouses and promoted deviant sexual behavior.

As practicing disciples of Christ, we should pick up right away that selfish indulgence underlies all pornographic material. In their treatment of their wives, husbands are supposed to emulate Christ’s sacrificial, nurturing love for his ecclesia. But study after study has demonstrated that exposure to pornography causes men to act in a selfish way that degrades women in general, and their wives in particular.

Some ideas to counteract the sin

If somebody has this problem and wants to deal with it, there are some rather obvious steps he should take. He should avoid stores that sell pornographic material, even if a little planning and inconvenience is required. It might help if he confided his situation to a trusted brother or sister in Christ and requested that they occasionally ask how he is doing in overcoming his problem. He should definitely confess his sin to God seeking His forgiveness and help through our Lord. And he should let the scriptures dominate his mind. Perhaps memorizing a few particularly pertinent passages would help. In addition to the ones! cited above, there are others such as:

“Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you” (James 1:21).

“Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God” (II Cor. 7:1).

Finally, Jim, make sure that you and your friend do not become discouraged by the problems you come across in the brotherhood. Every problem that exists in the world will exist in the community of the saints only to a lesser extent. Our human nature is terribly weak and we need to help one another all the way to the kingdom.

Remember, too, that those with a particular problem should be objects of our prayers, not our gossip. As Paul instructs us, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:1-2).

Much love in Christ,
Uncle Tom