A brother I knew once remarked, “Marriage is a trial.” While his comment drew laughter, he was not trying to be humorous. Perhaps he should have rephrased his remark, “Marriage can be a beautiful relationship, but it will bring a measure of trials.”
It is possible to view marriage too idealistically. The adage, “They lived happily ever after” may be good for fiction but it is seldom the case in real life. Many couples who have been married a few years will affirm this to be true.
I think it is also a fallacy to believe that if both partners are in the Truth, this will guarantee a successful marriage. While, as we note in the reflections that follow, the Truth can be very important to a good marriage, we know that some marriages do fail in spite of the Truth’s influence. And there are successful marriages between people who have little or no religion. This fact suggests that there are some practices, beyond good intentions, which cause marriages to endure as pleasant and useful relationships.
One common element that seems to exist in any successful marriage is the presence of compassion and understanding of the partner’s failings and genuine appreciation for their beneficial characteristics.
Of course, both parties being in the Truth can be a great help, especially if they are each growing in their discipleship.
Fruit of the spirit
The fruit of the spirit is described as love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance (Gal. 5:22). When present, these virtues will go far toward assuring the benefits of a marriage relationship.
We must remember, however, that each of us is plagued by fleshly impulses which war against the spirit. Our partner may not be able to identify some of his weak points and we have to adjust ourselves to the imperfections of the other.
Marriage — a sacred institution
Most people with any biblical knowledge believe marriage to be a sacred, not just a secular, institution. In their marriage vows, they consent that they should not terminate their union.
What has become very common in our day is the idea that marriage is not a prerequisite for living together. From a practical standpoint, this view undercuts the unique concept of commitment. Gradually marriage is becoming more of a financial and legal arrangement rather than the unique blending of two lives for the purpose of raising a godly seed.
Becoming best friends
Since we believe marriage is a sacred institution, we must not enter into it without prior thoughtful preparation. To us, choosing a spouse becomes one of the most important decisions we will make in life. It is therefore important to share a best-friends relationship prior to considering romantic attachments. Becoming good friends in the faith is the only way of truly getting to know each other.
Often, people do not control their drives and they rush into a relationship which may later prove to be disastrous. Such premature commitment may be caused by fear of losing out. In such a frame of mind, one may make promises that are not based upon sound judgment. Probably, if you do lose out on a certain person, he may not have been Mr. Right anyway.
One advantage of first becoming friends is that you can determine a person’s real interest in the Truth. You can look for signs in his conduct which will indicate true personality. Do not be deceived into thinking that because a person may love you that they will also love the Truth. Do not count on converting them after marriage. Love for the Truth cannot be forced; it must flow willingly from the heart.
There are a number of practical issues which can impact our patterns of behavior. Since every aspect of behavior affects our marriage relationship, it is useful to consider some contemporary issues.
The impact of school
I taught high-school age students for many years and noted that many young people do not know how to relate to others, especially the opposite sex. Often they try to draw attention to themselves through boisterous or antisocial behavior. In some cases, their lack of social adjustment is a result of unstructured home lives. Such students generally do not learn well in class nor do they respond well to spiritual principles.
This undesirable exposure impacts our own young people and, inevitably, the same conduct shows up at youth conferences and Bible schools. Parents and youth counselors need to take charge and guide ow youth into respectful and godly conduct.
The impact of family
We like to think of our youth as being from well-adjusted home environments. In actual fact, that is not always the case.
Few people escape the effects of childhood experiences. If those experiences have left us with a bad legacy to overcome, the Truth can help, but the shape of our personality is largely formed before adulthood. This may seriously affect our relationships in marriage.
Based on their upbringing, two people may view the marriage commitment from different perspectives. One may focus on sexual gratification and ignore the other purposes of the union. At the same time, sex must not be minimized as it provides a binding force to weld the marriage into a lasting relationship.
It is most helpful if, prior to marriage, couples raise their level of understanding so that they recognize the need for mutual respect and learn to appreciate the spiritual attributes of the other.
Nurturing
To sustain a marriage over a long period of time, we must nurture it with a desire to put divine principles above selfish desires. When couples practice the fruit of the spirit toward one another, the relationship will grow and daily conduct will become predictable. This principle of living cannot be left to happen-stance if it is to work. It must be consciously developed day by day.
In addition, we cannot rely solely on our own resources to practice the fruit of the spirit; we must ask for divine assistance. It is here that the believer has an advantage over nonbelievers. We have been assured that if we ask anything according to God’s will, He will hear our request and help us (I John 5:14-15). We must, of course, ask in faith nothing doubting (James 1:6).
The cut-and-run syndrome
I met a brother once who confessed that he no longer loved his wife. They had started out well in marriage; but, as time passed, the monotony of daily living, the struggles of adjustments (the cares of this life) and over-familiarity with each other set in.
They would over react to small provocations and they noticed that the Truth had lost ground in their lives. They had trouble getting themselves and their children ready for meeting; they did not pray together; they had lost a sense of belonging to the Truth. It was apparent the marriage was in deep trouble and was headed for separation or divorce.
In a way, the brother was asking for help. His conscience was at war with his desires. His natural instinct was to quit and return to the carefree days of single life. He was rejecting matrimonial restrictions and had lost confidence that the problems could be solved.
Was this a normal feeling? It is for the mind of the flesh and that is precisely the problem! It is not unusual for marriage relationships to have a down side. When these become evident, we must not let them sink to the level of despair. We must maintain hope in God’s help and in finding solutions to problems. As warning signs appear, we must practice the fruit of the spirit every day, renewing and refreshing our appreciation for each other and making God’s help a matter of daily entreaty.
Summary
Looking back over these reflections, there are certain suggestions that stand out. Marriage must be entered as a commitment before God, a divinely-ordained relationship.
It must not be entered into without prior preparation. Let young people beware of hasty decisions to get married.
Selecting a partner who loves the faith is important.
We should develop the fruit of the spirit– love, joy, peace, gentleness, etc. — to provide lasting stability in the union. Let us seek His help, confident He will strengthen us in the way.
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One