Until Death do us Part

Dear Susan,

We are delighted that you are marrying such a wonderful brother next week. We know him and we know you and we feel the union will be a good one. Both of you are sincere disciples and both of you have exercised patience waiting for the Lord to direct you to a partner who is enthusiastic in the Truth.

Along with a lot of other people this month, you will be making a lifelong commitment. “I promise to love and to cherish…in sickness or in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse.. .until death do us part.”

It’s a beautiful promise and sounds so wonderful in the atmosphere of the wedding. So often our emotions well up and tears rundown as we listen to the starry-eyed bride and the happy groom repeat their vows in anticipation of spending the rest of their lives together. But the vows are not always easy to keep.

Because this is June, there will be many more weddings than divorces. But some months that’s not the case. Since so many marriages end in divorce, there will be months when the number of divorces actually exceeds the number of marriages. Of course, we’re talking about society as a whole, not those in the Truth. Even amongst the believers, however, the occurrence of broken marriages is all too common.

Since believers are loath to resort to divorce as readily as the world, there is a problem which is probably more prevalent amongst us and that is marriages where the partners would separate if they could. For public appearances, there is still a marriage but it has gone from the hearts of the couple. We know you don’t want that to happen to your marriage.

A long-term commitment

From an eternal perspective, a human lifetime is short. From our perspective, however, it’s a long time and a lot of changes can happen over the years. All you have to do is look at the wedding picture of your folks and compare it to their recent photograph. Although neither of them has put on much weight,you still can’t be sure they are the same people, and that’s after only 30 years.

I can remember when your parents got married how physically active they were. They were two healthy, strong, athletic people. Over those 30 years, however, your dad has had three operations and is very limited in what he can do physically. That’s been quite an adjustment for your mom, who can still play a mean game of tennis.

Look, too, at their family situation. They have had five children and already have nine grandchildren. With each child, an additional responsibility and a unique personality was added to their lives. You and your brothers went through all the normal childhood illnesses. In addition, your youngest brother has had a chronic asthma problem which requires extra work and attention from your mom on a daily basis.

Thirty years is not very long, but they have already experienced a lot of changes. And they have been spared some of the more severe problems.

I was visiting with a couple the other day who are really an example. He has been afflicted with a degenerative disease which has caused severe crippling. When they married, he was strikingly handsome. His wife was and still is beautiful but has never evidenced the least slackening of her affection for her husband. I started to ask her how she had handled the adjustment, but she cut me right off She loved him and would not let that change. She’ d made a commitment before God and ill health was not going to affect her love for her partner — “in sickness or in health.. .until death do us part.”

Personality changes

Right now, you and John get along very well. But you can’t as yet know how either of you will react to all the circumstances that life will bring. Some people do best when the pressure is on and others collapse under the heat.

You won’t remember, but your dad went through a very difficult period in business and! couldn’t believe the way he changed. All he had known in school and in his first jobs was success after success. Then he was put in a position which he could not handle. He failed for the first time and just couldn’t cope with it. He grew quiet, sullen and petulant, whereas before he had always been an outgoing, optimistic person. Your mom handled it very well, though m not sure how because this was not the person she had married. Eventually, he pulled out of it, but for a while it must have been very difficult.

There are different phases in life that we all go through. The early years are usually ones full of energy, ambition and lots of child care. If you get into the habit of working together to solve your problems, you will build a strong foundation for your marriage in the years to come.

Having children is such a natural thing to do, but it fundamentally changes the way husbands and wives relate to one another. Men sometimes feel undue pressure to be good providers. One man I know, who made a good living, got so nervous about money, he suggested his wife sell her car and take the bus– with baby, stroller and all — so they could set aside the money and save on car insurance! And once wives become mothers, the intensity of their bond with their children can often leave husbands feeling left out. Just the bustle of being parents can keep spouses from taking quiet time together. Remember that God created marriage before parenthood and your marriage is the central relationship in your home; you do your children and yourselves a disservice if you put the kids before the health of your marriage.

The mid-life period can be especially hazardous, particularly for the husband. The crises that brought young marrieds together have subsided; couples settle into comfortable routines and apathy can set in. With the strength and confidence of youth slipping away, a man may seek to reaffirm his identity — sometimes with another woman. This is when a lot of marriages in the world breakup. The believer must guard against temptation, because God instructs husbands to “love the wife of your youth.”

Many marriages in the world end because the partners have “grown apart.” But among servants of God, marriages must not die of natural causes or neglect. You cannot grow apart if you share the same goal of eternal life.

When things don’t change

Many of us hope to change some things in our partners after we’re married. I imagine that’s true of John and yourself More often than not, the change doesn’t occur. The person who runs late will probably do so all his life. The stay-at-home who doesn’t like travel may never enjoy it. The over-spender will seldom learn to be frugal. Someone who doesn’t open up emotionally will probably always be uncomfortable with sharing his or her feelings.

We can become discouraged when we recognize we’ll have to put up with our partner’s annoying traits the rest of our lives. How does one do that? In fact, what is the secret of staying with a marriage until death or the return of our Lord?

We are one

Part of the answer surely lies in a deliberate attitude on our part. We live with ourselves don’t we? We may not like some aspects of our own personality, or our physique, or the problems we get ourselves into. But few of us come to hate our own souls. If we view our marriage partner as part of ourselves, then we know we have them for life. This is clearly what God intended, for, “two, said he, shall become one…what God hath joined together let not man put asunder.”

Having this basic attitude will help us to never even contemplate hating our partners or tearing apart our marriages.

Being one also means not allowing others to join our marriage. This obviously applies to sexual fidelity, but many more marriages between believers suffer from emotional infidelity that is harder to identify. A wise older sister once told me never to compare my marriage to anyone else’s. Do not betray marital confidences and don’t let outside influences dictate the standards by which you judge your happiness; God is the only one who should dictate those standards.

Basic attitude

Keeping our commitments is another fundamental mind set that helps. If we are to reflect the attributes of Christ in our life, integrity will be a basic aspect of our characters. In the marriage vows, we make a soberly considered, serious declaration of intent before God and man. We say, “I will.” People of integrity don’ t look for ways to break their word; they keep it for better or for worse.

Following God’s design

Marriage can really be wonderful if we have the right perspective. In the beginning, it was intended that the man should be the “head” and the woman should be the “helper.” The further we get away from this model, the worse off we are. Adam departed from these principles when he stood silently as Eve listened to the serpent and ate of the tree, and Eve failed when she didn’t heed her husband’s initial instruction. Our marriages can only suffer when we follow this example.

The world would make men and women the same; it tells us that men who lead are dictators and women who follow are doormats. But is the world happy? The only true joy comes from following God and using our abilities as He designed. Being the head is a great responsibility, but the joys of a happy household devoted to pleasing the Lord make it worthwhile. Being the helper, contrary to the world’s opinion, is a noble role that requires your brains as well as your elbow grease; it is a role that will challenge and reward you each day.

Marriage can work beautifully if we have the right approach. m sure you and John have it. In a week, you’ll know the joy of locking up your house for the night and having John on the same side of the door.

May God richly bless your walk together.

Lovingly,
Aunt Sarah