My Husband Beats Me

Dear Uncle Tom and Aunt Sarah,

I don’t know who else to tell. Joe is beating me. Last night, it was because I didn’t make what he wanted for dinner. His reasons change every time.

It’s terrifying. Never knowing when he’ll blow up again. Having him chase me into a corner, screaming at me, calling me terrible names, punching me in the stomach, splitting my lip, blackening my eyes. I try to shield my face. I cry and beg him for mercy, but it never works.

I went to the doctor this morning. Joe didn’t damage my eye socket and the bruise should clear up in a week or so. My mouth didn’t need any stitches. My stomach still hurts where he slugged me.

As always, he is devastated that he did this to me again. And he’ s promised never to do it again. But he says that every time, and it’s been going on for five years.

I know it’s hard to believe that a brother in Christ beats his wife. But it’s true.

I’ve tried everything I can think of I appease him. I beg him not to hit me. I pray and study my Bible for answers. I don’t ask for his beatings — as if anyone would ask to be punched senseless. And I don’t get some perverse pleasure out of the pain. This can’t all be my fault — Joe can never be justified for hitting me like this.

I told two couples in our meeting. One doubted! was telling the truth. The other said that I was probably blowing our fights out of proportion and that I should try to avoid making Joe mad. Besides, they said, we are married for life and, even if I leave Joe, I can’t remarry. Neither of them spoke to Joe about t.

I know I lack credibility in the ecclesia. Joe’s from an established Christadel­phian family and I came in from the outside. And I miss meeting so often because of the beatings, the brothers and sisters must think I’m not sincere.

I want to save my marriage; I’m just so afraid.

Joe isn’t doing his eternal welfare any good by beating me –Christ would never abuse his bride. But I know the ecclesia won’t understand if I move out. Christadelphians have such an ingrained distrust of therapists and counselors, I’m afraid to seek professional help.

Please help me. I can’t take it for another day or I’ll lose my mind. Let me come and stay with you while I work things out. I can’t think clearly with everything is hanging over my head.

Please pray for me.

Love in Christ,
Jane

Dear Jane,

We were shocked when we got your letter. You’ve been in our thoughts and prayers constantly. Yes, certainly you can come and stay with us while something is done about this terrible situation.

At first, we could hardly believe what we were reading. You are a spirited girl and frankly, our first thought was that you must be doing something to provoke this behavior. Maybe you got to Joe in his weak spot and he just exploded.

But we made one phone call to someone who knows you well and found out how desperate your situation really is.

Then Uncle Tom discovered a bit of information that caused the pieces to click into place. Joe’s grandfather had a violent temper and beat his wife for years. It’s such a shameful thing, the family just never spoke of it. Joe’s grandpa didn’t come into the Truth when his grandma did but the family was known to the ecclesia. To them and to the rest of the world, the family seemed normal and respectable. Joe’s grandpa was known to have a temper but m sure everyone would have been shocked to find out what was really going on.

Joe saw some of the beatings as a child and has the same lack of self-control. m sure that’s the root of the problem. But it’s no excuse.

We knew Joe has a temper, but, since he is in the Truth, we never expected anything like this would happen. He must stop immediately.

Christ uses the most disparaging terms for a disciple who would beat his fellow servant; “the lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him…and shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites” (Matt.24 :48-50). How much worse is the fate of a supposed disciple who would beat his sister-wife. He’ s an abject hypocrite! Unless he stops, he will be “cut asunder” by the one he claims is his Lord.

“Wrath” and “strife” are two sins that will surely bar us from any inheritance in the kingdom of God (Gal. 5:20). What can Joe possibly be thinking of?

While it’s hard for us to interfere in someone else’s marriage, in this case, we believe not interfering will lead to something worse. We have some requests before you come to stay. We’ll talk to Joe and let him know why you’re coming here. That way he can’t make any excuses or blame you.

And you both need to get into counseling. It would be nice if you could get the counseling from a Christadelphian. Trouble is, we don’t know of anybody in your ecclesia, or one nearby, who may have any idea how to deal with a problem like this. Your brothers and sisters really do care; but this is so far out of their experience that they may feel wholly unable to cope. That’s unfortunate because if Joe doesn’t stop immediately, he must be brought before the arranging board. This is conduct which cannot be tolerated in the household.

You’re right that we have an aversion to counselors and psychiatrists. For good reason! Even the so-called Christian ones do not know the Truth and have some very distorted thinking. But in this case, we believe Joe’s problem is probably one that worldly counselors have seen frequently. His behavior is strictly of the world and the causes of it are probably the same as they are in worldly people. So we’ll pray that God will work through the therapist to bless Joe with the strength to change.

Of course he regrets beating you. But his regrets haven’t made any difference. He obviously is dealing with his anger the same way his grandfather did.

We admire your courage and resolve to save your marriage. We’re thankful that you’re not making the mistake so many do in keeping the problem secret. The only way to save Joe from rejection by Christ and to preserve your marriage is to bring the problem out into the open. You’ve done that in coming to us. Go the next step and seek professional help. At the same time, we think you should go to the arranging brethren and tell them what is happening and what you are doing about it. The quicker they are brought into the picture the more likely they are to be helpful as time goes by.

We know both of you want to be in the kingdom. We’ll be calling to set up our meeting with Joe. In the meantime, you are in our prayers.

Love in Christ,
Uncle Tom and Aunt Sarah