Dear Uncle Tom,
Recently in the “Tidings,” the pro’s and con’s of some aspects of marital relations have been discussed frequently and in depth. I think there is another subject we need to consider just as seriously –dating, or the series of actions which lead up to marriage.
As a single sister in Christ, I think one of the biggest and most trying experiences we face today is the risk and temptation found in becoming involved with someone outside of the Truth.
Often enough, it begins quite innocently as a result of continual contact with associates at work or acquaintances at school. The one who attracts us normally has virtuous morals and leads a wholesome life in contrast with the majority of the world. Sometimes a deepening feeling for the person develops quite unintentionally through everyday interactions. In other cases, we are deliberately looking outside of Christadelphia for someone to convert and marry as we have not found the “right” person in the Truth.
In either case, the situation poses a serious threat to the young Christadelphian’ s spiritual welfare. Once involved in a relationship, the heart tends to rule the mind and emotions override sound reasoning. We tend to lose the ability to honestly judge the quality of the other person’s reaction to the Truth. We have difficulty sorting out their interest in the Truth from their attention us personally.
While winning a loved one for Christ may be a worthy goal, we must remember Paul’s warning in I Cor. 10:12, “Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.”
Blinded by love and the desires of the flesh, it’s easy to convince ourselves that we can’t risk “pushing the Truth” on our friend for fear that it might “scare him off” The likely outcome to such thinking is that we make a commitment with the assumption that conversion will come later in its own time. Mistakes like this can leave us with difficult burdens to bear, such as a marriage out of the Truth with the divided loyalties and conflicting interests that inevitably follow.
We have the Biblical examples of Joseph and Dinah, which present two precedents of what to do and what not to do. Joseph’s course of action was to flee temptation and avoid Potiphar’ s wife who epitomized the evil seductress of Proverbs 7. Instead of yielding to her “fair speech” and “flattering lips,” Joseph, being a godly man, “got himself out.” Dinah, on the other hand, “went out to see the daughters of the land.” She put herself in the midst of temptation, naively experimenting with Shechem, the prince of the country, who took her and defiled her.
Each of us will be confronted with moments of truth like Joseph and Dinah. The question we must consider is how we will react.
By keeping communication lines open with our parents and elders in the ecclesia, we can seek words of counsel and advice to ensure ourselves of present happiness and everlasting salvation. One of the elders of my meeting once told me that it is essential to establish principles and policies beforehand, avoiding temptation and, above all, not flirting with it.
We must be looking for a partner “in the Lord” who is trying to fulfill the whole duty of man. We must seek someone who fears God, wants to keep His commandments and is interested in having a partner who will be an heir together of the grace of life (Eccl. 12:13 ; I Pet. 3:7). Our purpose is to imitate the ultimate example set in Christ and his relationship with the ecclesia. Faithfully, we must allow God to guide our circumstances and develop our characters so that we can be a part of His wonderful plan.
With love,
Rebekah
Dear Rebekah,
Thanks very much for your letter. It is most helpful when someone who is actually facing particular temptations feels free to comment on them for the benefit of others. You have touched on a number of excellent points and there is one in particular which I think bears further comment.
Developing a close relationship with someone we are going to school or working with is a very common phenomenon. We share a lot of time and experience with such a person, so we have much to chat about with him. If we are in a work setting with the individual, we will find conversation can flow easily and we therefore feel comfortable with him. Most of us have a natural fear of the unknown, whether it be a person or circumstance. Daily interaction with a schoolmate or work partner often fosters friendship and love as we become relaxed and happy in their presence.
These quite natural reactions can pose a particular danger in our society as men and women are working together at nearly all levels of employment. The government is under great pressure to pass laws that prohibit any discrimination based on sex. From the standpoint of fairness, we may feel that is only right. Let a person be hired and promoted on the basis of ability, not gender. The consequence, however, is that men and women are gradually working in close association with each other at every level of employment. For example, I can remember working in a data processing department where all the programmers were men and all the data entry people were women. That would be a rare situation today.
The once male-dominated industrial and commercial sales job is now shared equally with women. Usually these are high pressure positions where the person has a quota to meet and is paid on a commission basis. They are jobs that often demand a lot of social contact with the customer either over a meal or after hours. In this circumstance, a woman selling to a man is in a situation that invites familiarity and compromise of standards.
The whole scenario is made worse, of course, by the number of working wives. Now we’re not only talking about the potential for a single believer marrying out of the Truth but also of both married partners being tempted to infidelity.
Your comment about the circumstances under which many romantic relationships begin thus shows great insight. And it is well to realize that if you continue to work after marriage, even if you marry in the Truth, the problem of becoming attracted to a workmate does not go away. We live in a world fraught with danger for those trying to live the Truth. Let us all, therefore, heed the advice you are finding useful, and determine beforehand those policies and practices that will minimize our exposure to temptation.
Thanks again for your thoughts.
With much love,
Uncle Tom
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One