A Sister thanks Aunt Sarah

Dear Aunt Sarah,

Thank you for printing my letter about my concerns in my relationship with my husband.

First of all, I appreciate your letter back to me in the Tidings. What stood out to me in your letter was your insight on lack of communication in my relationship. I think that is a big part of my problem. I was keeping a lot of my thoughts inside and not expressing them to my husband. I was not communicating how I was thinking, feeling and being affected by his statements.

After your letter, I have made a conscious decision to put into words to my husband my innermost hurts. I realize he is not a mind-reader. I feel this has helped.

I also realized that my self esteem was very low. I found I was thinking about the negative too much. I started reading my Bible, looking for help in positive thinking and found passages such as, “whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report.. .think on these things” (Phil. 4:8).

You mentioned I Cor.7:1 -5 as a possible passage to consider. I don’ t think I have ever withheld myself from my husband and agree with you that to do so is very bad for a marriage. We should not use sex as a weapon. I truly feel God has made our sexual desires to bring us close to each other. You surely can’t be angry at someone when you are sharing yourself so fully with them.

It’s my opinion that low self esteem made me feel that! was unattractive to my husband. He certainly furthered this opinion when he verbally made it clear he didn’t like my looks. Such remarks affect you, especially when you care, as I do, what he thinks.

Anyway, I have been on a program to improve my own outlook on life. I have done this by becoming a person who is better at communicating. I’m not only getting better at communicating with my husband but also with myself

Recently,I did a study on using positive affirmations. It has helped me a great deal. I realized I was thinking on the negative side of things instead of applying the guidance of scripture to think on that which is good and lovely. I came to understand that howl talk to myself makes a big difference in my outlook.

I have learned to use block and change. The moment I start to think of anything that is negative I stop myself I block any negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. In fact, I say out loud the positive things, repeating them over and over. I do not allow any negative thoughts to stay in my mind. This is a daily exercise I am practicing and it helps change my self esteem.

I do think that by printing my letter a lot of sisters gained hope and realized they weren’t alone. I have talked to several sisters who read the Tidings who have said they have experienced the same treatment from their husbands that! wrote about. They, too, could not understand why their own husbands made them feel physically unattractive. They, too, felt their husbands should be more impressed by the inner beauty of their love for the Truth and should love them for the kindnesses they practiced.

Many of these sisters love the Truth. Their whole life is into serving the Lord and their husbands. Yes, they have aged and the wrinkles and flab have come, but they do love the Truth. There is beauty in them. Also, there is hurt in them as they relate how their own husbands have made them feel unattractive.

It became clear tome that there are many sisters in our ecclesias who are hurting and confused and are staying in marriages that are not happy. They are committed to the Lord and therefore to their marriages. But such marriages are in need of God’s special attention and of the loving care of others.

l’m sure there is nothing new under the sun. But! do think it helps many sisters and brothers to know they are not alone and that we can help each other as well as ourselves. We should not give up in despair.

I have been in the depths of despair and at those moments I forgot my faith and great hope. I think it’s dangerous to let yourself get like that. I do feel God sends His angels in time of trouble to help you get out of it. But the question is, will you respond? I think! did respond and I’m better for it. I thank God for His blessings; I know He is working in my life. I am thankful God has called me; I am also thankful God has called my husband.

I feel that all these trials are necessary to mold us for the kingdom. During these trials, it is not fun. Sometimes you don’t think you can hold on, but if you can keep your faith, afterwards you are stronger, braver and closer to God.

By the way, several years ago, my husband and! had gone to get professional help for our marriage. I suppose it helped some. If it were not so expensive, we might have gone again. What I did instead was go to the marriage and family-life section in a Bible book store. I bought a book called, “How to Improve Your Marriage.” What it said helped me a lot.

One idea which came through was that you shouldn’t dwell on your self and your own hurt feelings. Thinking that way is very selfish, it is actually fleshly. We are to raise our thoughts above the fleshly level and think on the things of the Spirit. This brought me back to God’s word again.

This was the biggest source of help but some other things helped too, like some tapes on taking a positive attitude.

While I’m  writing, I wanted to address the letter stating that Christadelphians should not go for professional help for emotional or marital problems. I think it depends on the problems. Of course, God is not limited except by ourselves. But sometimes we are so far off track that we need some outside help. The books and tapes certainly helped me.

Through prayer, God’s mercy, and the other helps, I think I am back on track.

I know I certainly want to have the right thinking and attitude.

Thanks for your help and concern.

Love in the one hope,
Your sister in Christ

To a dear Sister,

Thank you for your letter. As you know, many felt that our response in the May, 1991 Tidings was not hard enough on your husband’s attitude. Perhaps we can now redress that balance.

The exhortation of Proverbs 5:18-21 is powerful and pertinent: “…rejoice with the wife of thy youth…let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, and he pondereth all his goings.” This is addressed to an older man whose wife has aged and has, no doubt, lost some of her physical attractiveness.

The beauty of youth fades as the years go by; a husband’s love can fade too. Does he remember the former years, the wife of his youth, or does he let his heart wander after others as he deals harshly with the woman who has given him so much? Is outward appearance more important to him than loyalty, maturity and a love for the Truth? Is this the attitude of Christ for his bride? Does Christ become bored with his wife? Does he want someone more intellectually stimulating and challenging?

There is another passage which is particularly pertinent: Malachi 2:14-15 reads, “…the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant…take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.”

It is distressing to hear that other sisters have said they share a similar experience to your own. Don’t our brethren read their Bibles? Husbands can’t act with such disdain to their wives and expect to be in the kingdom. They have to rise above the absorption with physical beauty and the worship of youth that permeates the thinking of the world. All of us must learn to think on a spiritual level if we hope to be endowed with immortality in the age to come.

A brother may not physically walk to the house of the strange woman but he needs to beware that God looks on the heart as well as the physical actions. The warning through Malachi is, “take heed to your spirit.” What does God see in the spirit of a husband when he crushes his wife’s spirit rather than helping her grow in grace and inner beauty as the years pass?

Good for you in recognizing that concentrating on one’s own problems is counter productive. Good for you in trying to focus your mind on the things of the spirit and the hope that is sure and steadfast. I hope your husband does the same.

You mention finding help in non-Christadelphian tapes and books. We have heard and read a number of these and find that their focus is often misdirected. Happiness in marriage and family life are exalted as the ultimate goal. The attitude is expressed that if we will do the right thing and seek God’s help, our marriages will be happy and fulfilling. God makes no such promise. It is sometimes true that right actions and prayer will make a marriage much better. But God’s great goal is that we share His holiness in the kingdom.

As you rightly observe, the trials necessary to prepare us for that time are grievous while we are going through them and such trials can take the form of family trouble.

Working to make our marriages better can be contagious. Hopefully our efforts will evoke a positive response in our partner so that together both will strive for a more harmonious and loving relationship.

With much love,
Aunt Sarah