Converted After Marriage

Dear Uncle Tom,

There is a brother in our ecclesia who has embraced the Truth but his wife of several years has not. This seems to be creating a very difficult situation in their marriage. There were some problems before he learned the Truth, but now they seem to be growing worse. We would appreciate your thoughts on a number of points related to this matter.

How much do you think the brother should cater to his wife’s demands? She does not like him attending meetings, study days or Bible schools. Furthermore, she wants him to take her to movies he considers inappropriate and to spend more time and money on vacations than he feels is right.

There is a growing conflict in regard to the children. He wants them to attend Sunday school and youth circle. She wants them involved in dance classes, scouts and all different kinds of school activities. Then there is the matter of standards of dress, language and general deportment. He is much more restrictive than she is about dating, etc.

Would counseling be of any help? You hear about a number of “Christian” counselors and there are a lot of marriage counselors, some of whom seem to help on occasion. Do you think anyone in the brotherhood would be of any use?

What if she wants out of the marriage? Is he free to fight for custody of their children? Is this going to law? Is he free to marry again?

If they separate and he becomes a single parent, what help can the ecclesia be?

I realize you may not be able to comment on all these matters in one reply and there are some of them which you may choose to remain silent on, but we would _‘appreciate any ideas you have that may be helpful.

Yours in Christ,
Caleb

Dear Caleb,

You have certainly raised a lot of very difficult problems. There is no way I can make adequate comment on all the points in one response so I’ll have a try at some of them and leave the others for another time.

First of all, let me say this. Here is a believer who is in a difficult situation through no fault of his own. How much more tragic it is when a believer brings such problems on himself by deliberately marrying out of the Truth. This person is in an excellent position to counsel others on exactly that point. He can speak from personal experience of the added problems that plague a marriage when a believer is unequally yoked to an unbeliever. There are a couple of other points that are so obvious that they may be missed.

Not a unique situation

Many marriages are afflicted with the problem of the partners changing considerably as the years go by. In fact, this is a fairly common occurrence when people marry when they are very young. As they grow older, one partner may greatly outstrip the other in terms of education, ambition or appearance. The world ,speaks of this as outgrowing your husband or wife and frequently uses the situation to justify divorce and remarriage. That’s not what we want to happen here, but it does mean that the general problem of one partner making a marked change during the course of a marriage is not unusual. The development will have been seen a lot by professional marriage counselors. That means this is one type of situation where they may have some useful advice to offer.

Another thing to remember is that even if both partners are in the Truth, there can still be much difference of opinion on the raising of children, appropriate material standards for the family and desirable recreational activities. Every conflict in this marriage should not be blamed on the fact that one person has !accepted the Truth and the other has not. In every marriage, matters have to be talked out and compromises reached.

Remember the blessings

Also, the problems should not be allowed to totally overshadow the blessings. As the apostle says, “the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy” (I Cor. 7:14).

By committing himself to Christ, the husband has come under the canopy of certain divine promises that affect his family as well as himself For instance, God promises him the necessities of life if he seeks first the kingdom. That surely encompasses his family as well. The believer will not be tried beyond what he can bear, and that will impact his wife and children. His prayers will be heard on high as he comes to the throne of grace in the name of the Son of God. This is a tremendous advantage for his loved ones as they are now considered “holy,” or in a special category of care by the heavenly host.

Do not initiate a breakup

In I Cor. 7, a point is made that we should note. Both verses 12 and 13 end with similar admonition: “…let him not put her away.. .let her not leave him.”

The believer is not to initiate any breakup of the family. At some point, he may feel it would be the easier way out. But the apostle’s instruction is clear.

The reason for the instruction is obvious: if he handles the situation properly, the husband has an opportunity to bring his wife and children into the Truth. Whereas they might never have been exposed to it apart from his interest, they now have the light of the Truth shining right in their very household. What the apostle Peter says to wives is equally applicable to husbands, “…if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (I Peter 3:1-2 NIV).

If the husband manifests the love of Christ in the home, if he is patient, kind, humble, courteous, considerate, generous, compassionate, forgiving and longsuffering, no doubt this will impress his wife and children. The children will see the contrast between their father and the fathers of their friends. It may take years for the full impression to be made and it may require that the children go through some personal hard times before they realize the value of the Christ-like life, but the chances are good that a living example of godliness in their midst will eventually affect them.

What is sad to see is when a man is converted to Christ and becomes an autocrat, demanding that his wife should be subject to him and being oppressively harsh to his children. He sees in these commands divine reinforcement for the authority he has always wanted and he becomes a tyrant in the house. Those commands are not there

for the husband to harshly impose on wife and children. They are there for the achievement of harmonious family life. The believing husband should tread carefully and considerately, attempting to draw his family to Christ and not drive them further away.

This is all we have space to comment on for now. Perhaps we can cover some of the other points another time.

With much love,
Uncle Tom