Dear Aunt Sarah,
Your answer to Sally in the May “Tidings” was pretty good. I thought most of the advice was fine except for the part about giving the husband his conjugal rights no matter what.
I realize the estimate that 40% of marital problems are somehow related to sex is probably accurate. However, telling a wife to give herself to her husband is not the appropriate way to solve a communication problem.
We have our rights too! The woman has a right to feel loved and understood. It is only fair that the husband should treat her so that she wants intimacy with him. To merely go through such an act because one demands it only lowers the woman’s self-respect.
I agree that to use sex as a prize or to withhold it as a punishment is not right. But if I am made to feel just like a physical object, all we’ve done is ruined a part of marriage that should be so beautiful.
My husband and I went through a period of time when I felt it was my responsibility to give myself to him. But in doing so, I began to dislike the act and resent my husband. This only worsened our relationship until we communicated to each other our feelings and came to an understanding.
You talked about how withholding this important physical need from your husband can lead to bitterness and hostility. Well, to ignore the emotions of a woman and her need to feel loved can also lead to bitterness and hostility.
If a marriage is going to work, the wife must have a good feeling about herself and the husband must make her feel loved.
Your loving,
June
Dear June,
Thanks for your comments. I have a suspicion that you have put into words the way a lot of sisters feel today. Furthermore, you have used a couple of the key phrases that have become part of today’ s watchwords: “my rights,” “my self-esteem.”
There is no doubt a husband should treat his wife so that she wants intimacy. Unfortunately, in the real world, we sometimes have to face the question: what happens if the other person does not do their part? The answer rests on what God has revealed about our responsibility before Him.
As much as it touches one of the most personal areas of our lives, giving your marriage partner his conjugal rights has nothing to do with your rights or what you think of yourself. In fact, the issue is not between you and your partner; it is between you and God. To make the point clearer in the letter to Sally, I probably should have quoted the applicable scripture: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other…” (I Cor. 7:3-5 NIV).
This is a command. The issue is between you and God. The woman “who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God…” (I Thess. 4:8 NIV).
Before you mentally turn me off, let me balance the point. Your husband also has obligations that are an issue between God and him. He may feel you are a sloppy housekeeper, a poor cook and have let your appearance become unattractive. But your faults do not give him the right to stop providing for you, to stop caring about your eternal welfare or to take up with another woman. “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (I Tim. 5:8 NIV). The obligation is there whether or not the man’s immediate family is pleasant and appreciative. The issue is not between him and them but between him and God.
By the same token, husbands are told to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25 NIV). The love of Christ had a great goal in mind, that his bride might be saved, forever. This is the precedent of the great goal every husband should have for his wife. And when did Christ demonstrate such a concern? When the ecclesia was fulfilling its duties and serving him? Hardly! “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly…while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:6,8). Husbands are under divine obligation to imitate such an attitude to their wives. Do they have an excuse to reject this obligation because their wives are not submissive or are failing in their obligations? Not at all, for the issue is not between the husband and wife but between the husband and God.
The same applies to the husband remaining faithful to his wife. She may be high-strung, argue a lot, scream at the kids and nag habitually. But if he goes with another woman, it is sin against his wife and, more importantly, sin against God.
So the situation is not one-sided.
Now you may feel this presents marriage as a dour situation of doing your duty and plowing on no matter what your partner does. That would be an unfortunate way to look at it.
All I have done is point out the ultimate issues involved. We can hardly expect God’s blessing if we do not recognize His commands and endeavor to obey them for His sake. Your rights and your self-esteem have nothing to do with the issue. Do you think you have any rights before God or do you esteem yourself as anything other than a sinner in His sight? Of course not! We all recognize that our only hope is His forgiveness through His abundant grace. What we sometimes forget is that right conduct in a marital, or any other relationship, is really an issue between ourselves and God, not between ourselves and the other person.
That does not mean God will try us beyond what we are able to bear. He will not! Nor does it mean we should not try to communicate and improve the situation. We should!
You actually missed my point when you directly linked giving your husband his conjugal rights to solving a communication problem. I mentioned them as two separate items. But you can see that when you did do what was right, the underlying problem was resolved. Because you were doing your part, communication did open up between you and your husband. Your own case perfectly illustrates the faith of the saint that, if we will only do our part, in most situations, God will provide real relief for our problems.
Your loving,
Aunt Sarah
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One