Troubles in my Marriage

Dear Aunt Sarah,

I never thought it would happen to me.

I’ve read magazine articles about dysfunctional families and thought, “what a shame that people who love each other can hurt each other so much.”

The articles consistently described families where the parents ruin the self-esteem of the children by constantly saying negative things to them. And the husband and wife do the same to each other, never praising each other but constantly criticizing so that gradually they lose any feeling of respect or affection.

Jack and I still fully believe the Truth and know we are sinners saved only through the continuing forgiveness of our sins. It’s our inter-personal and inter-family relationship that is the problem.

I suppose Jack would have his own side of the story, but from my point of view, he is being consistently negative toward me and I feel like I’m gradually shrinking into a nothing. From his point of view, everything is my fault and the children are just a source of irritation to him.

I don’t know exactly when it started but it’s been going on for some time — a comment here, a remark there, some of them are subtle, some direct, but all very hurtful. For example, some time ago he said, “I can remember my neighbor’s house when I was growing up, she was really a good housekeeper.” Obviously, he is hoping I’ll get the message that my own housekeeping is not the greatest.

Over the years, the negative comments have become more direct. Jack will say he doesn’t like certain members of my family, calling them some really terrible names, and then say I was just like them. More recently, he told me he was ashamed of the way I looked. This truly broke my heart because I’ve always thought I took pretty good care of myself. As you know, I’ve never spent a lot of money on myself but I’ve always kept my hair looking good and have worn neat, clean, stylish clothes.

But most importantly I love God and you know that I really have tried to serve Him to the best of my abilities. Deep inside, I’ve had a certain confidence Jack would always think me beautiful for this reason, that he would love me for an inner beauty. Yet maybe I’m fooling myself and there is not much inner beauty there to love.

In spite of his attitude toward me, I really love Jack. I really have overlooked a lot of the hurtful comments and really have forgiven him for them. I find it fairly easy to attribute a lot of his negative statements to his being tired or irritated about work or frustrated about finances. Somebody has to get the hurt and a wife is a pretty easy target at times.

But now it seems things are getting to me. The hurtful comments are either

coming more often or else r m getting more sensitive to them. While I used to feel quite good about myself, I no longer feel appreciated and loved. And I’m starting to feel alone. Of course, that’s not true because God thinks I’m of value and loves me and is concerned about my eternal welfare. Yet there are times when depression begins to set in and I wonder if my faith will hold up forever.

Can you help? You’ve always been able to in the past and!’ m praying you can again.

Your loving,
Sally

Dear Sally,

I certainly hope I can help because you can see how many of today’s marriages are failing not only in the world but also in the ecclesia. Even when a separation has not taken place, there are a lot of couples and families who are hurting rather than helping one another.

However, I do not think it helps to apply wrong labels to a situation. “Dysfunctional” has recently become a catchword for describing troubled relationships but it does not properly apply to your circumstances. A dysfunctional family is one in serious trouble usually where alcoholism, drug addiction, adultery, incest or physical abuse is involved. You have not indicated that any of these apply in your case.

I don’t doubt for a moment that your marriage has become unhappy but it is not dysfunctional. The distinction is important. A truly dysfunctional situation normally requires treatment, usually what we would call “professional” help. For one thing, your situation requires communication. You don’t indicate that you and Jack have sat down and talked some problems out. I’m not talking about just one conversation but a genuine effort to discuss grievances and differences on a regular basis.

I would strongly suspect that Jack’ s complaints are not the real problems. Oh yes, they indicate a problem. But frequently husbands will throw up a smoke screen of complaints rather than state what is really bothering them. Although I would also suspect that some place along the way Jack has indicated the real problems, you have not picked up on them. That is why communication is so important.

Remember, too, that in communicating, we want to listen to the other person’ s perception of the situation.W hat he says may seem utterly ridiculous to us. But it is his perceptions that are affecting his actions and attitudes so don’t wave aside Jack’s opinion just because you think he is wrong.

So one suggestion in response to what you have outlined is to seek to open up a line of communication with Jack.

Another matter you may be overlooking is a fundamental part of married life. Did you know that marriage counselors estimate that 40% of marital problems are related to sex? This is saying that a little under one half of marital woes have to do with life, , or the lack of it, in the bedroom. The woman has a responsibility to offer her husband his conjugal rights irrespective of his shortcomings or faults. Withholding from the husband this important physical need can lead to great bitterness and hostility.

The problem is that a cycle of bitterness develops which leads to a treadmill of trouble. One partner hurts the other which leads to retaliation which eventually leads to the failure of physical closeness and the cycle grinds on to a marital death knell.

You have already mentioned the need for faith and prayer. Don’t be satisfied with a miserable marriage which you must endure to the end. Give your relationship with Jack some serious soul-searching and try to retrieve a marriage which is slipping away.

I’d like to hear what develops in your situation. So please write me a follow-up letter about it.

As always, your loving,
Aunt Sarah