Living with the Guys

Dear Mark,

So you’ve decided to rent a house with a group of college friends. You say it’s cheaper and more like home; and you can actually buy food for less than it would cost in the university dorm.

I understand each of you is responsible for his own meals. Knowing you, that must mean a lot of frozen dinners, pizza, fast food and junk food. You’ve probably discovered that to eat good, well-balanced meals takes time or money. Neither of which you have!

Did you know that mononucleosis is a common disease among people your age, living in your situation? The major factors are poor living habits — not enough sleep and bad diet –just what happens to a lot of college kids.

I must confess I don’t understand why the freedom of living on your own is so much better than living at home. At home, your Mom does your laundry, cleans your room and sees that you get decent food. Sure, you have to obey some house rules and put up with your folk’s suggestions about this and that. Sure, they sometimes treat you like a child. But I think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. After all, you’ve got four months in the summer when you can work in a different ecclesial area, like your brother did.

Furthermore, your folks are interested in your spiritual welfare. They’ll encourage you to attend meetings and keep up on your readings. You may think you’ve outgrown the need for that. But we never do. Even when we’re married with children of our own, the same good pressures are there. Either your wife is asking you to read with her, or you’ll see for yourself the need to encourage her and the kids in Bible study and ecclesial participation.

The idea that, at some point, we outgrow the need for helpful pressure from others is largely a figment of our imaginations. God has designed us to live within a family context of some kind. On our own, most of us don’t do better, we do worse.

In fact, as you may know, I was not in favor of your going to school out of town. I know the courses are better where you are, but so what? Good courses, good school just means a better chance for a higher paying, more prestigious job. And what’s so great about that? I’ve found that higher pay and worldly prestige can always be had by compromising the Truth. When I told IBM I was leaving, they offered me a supervisory position. Sure it would have put me on my way up at the fastest growing company of the 1960’s. But I’d already seen what they wanted from their people. They were nice guys, but they wanted the devotion of my heart, mind, soul and strength. It just so happens God wanted the same. So I said thanks, but no thanks.

Then when the carburetor company I went to was bought out by a New York conglomerate, the sophisticated personnel department gave everybody a battery of tests. Based on the results, they wanted me to take the fast track with a view to joining their corporate offices in New York.

Making the decision to attend an out-of-town college with better courses is not the last time you can take the way of worldly advantage. You’re going to face similar choices all the way along and, unfortunately, you’ve already started down the path of choosing in favor of money and worldly standing. The further you go down that road the harder it will be to turn to the life of wholehearted dedication to Christ.

And, what about the guys you are sharing the house with? I can just imagine the videos they are renting. You may say you don’t have to watch them. But you know what Scripture says. It doesn’t just say “have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness;” it says, “but rather reprove them.” And goes on to admonish, “for it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret” (Eph. 5 :11-12). Now those things the apostle is alluding to show up on all kinds of PG and R-rated videos.

What are you going to do when you want to relax in the living room and the guys have one of them on? Are you going to “reprove them”? Maybe once or twice you may say something, but not on any consistent basis , for your relations with them would then become intolerable. You’d have to move out.

And what can you do when they have a drinking party over at your place? The Scripture says, “be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be ye filled with the spirit; speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord” (Eph. 5:18-19). I can just see it now, the guys are on the 6-packs and you suggest a hymn sing!

Listen to another Scripture, “…neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks” (Eph. 5:4). I know enough of the world to know that when a bunch of college guys get together with the beer flowing, “foolish talking” is about all that goes on.

The problem is that you can’t really do much about it. It’s their party and you shouldn’t be there. All they’ll do is resent your spoiling their fun. Maybe you could talk the Truth to them one-on-one. But a party environment will not be the right place.

Ironically, the spirit does not forbid having a good time. l’ve seen young brethren and sisters having a rollicking good time with everybody sober and a good number of them singing hymns around the piano. God has nothing against laughter and enjoyment. In fact, the kingdom is going to be full of it. But the world seems to think a good time has to include excess of drink and off-color conversation.

Realistically, what’s very likely to happen is that you’ll get drawn into their way of life rather than the other way around. Some evening you’ll have nothing to do and will join them watching some unsavory movie and being a mild participant in their conversation. Next time, they’ll expect you to join in and gradually your senses can become deadened by the deceitfulness of sin.

And what are you going to do when one of the guys has his girl over for the night? If you protest, all he’s going to say is that everybody does it and it’s none of your business. You could admonish him, “Let no man deceive you with vain words : for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience” (Eph. 5:6). Yet is that going to have an impact?

You may have grand ambitions of converting them all because sinners and harlots responded to the gospel while the religious types did not. The only sinners and harlots Christ associated with were those who came to him to hear his words. He did not seek them out or take up joint lodgings with them.

The situation you have gotten into is trouble with a capital “T.” I’d strongly advise you to get out of it as fast as you can.

Your loving uncle,
Tom