Family Life in the Lord – Adjusting to Married Life

Dear Julie,

In all honesty, getting adjusted to married life is no easy task. You and Jeff have been married less than two years, you have an active and demanding little baby and Jeff is establishing himself in his career. Add to this that you recently moved into your first home and bills are waiting to be paid. Then superimpose over all these things the fact that you and Jeff are devoted Christadelphians very anxious to contribute your parts to the welfare of the ecclesia. Add up these items and you can begin to spell the word “stress.” Note that I said “begin,” because I believe we can cope with stress and strain in a marriage if we are able to identify some fundamental factors in our lives.

For example, you mention that Jeff doesn’t talk with you very much when he gets home from work. You’ve been home all day with baby Jason, and when Jeff comes through the door you’re bursting with conversation and ideas to share. And you’d like a little relief from Jason-work. Not only that, but there are some fix-up chores Jeff keeps putting off But what he wants to do is take the newspaper into a comfortable chair and relax. Frankly, this is not an uncommon problem. Let me pass on a few thoughts so that, hopefully, your husband will become more talkative and your family life may be enriched.

Don’t give him your work

One of the most important things to remember is the problem with crossover of duties. Since you’re not working outside the home, the household chores, baby care, shopping, etc., are your responsibilities. Timothy says “I will.. .that the young women marry, bear children, guide the house…” (I Tim. 5:14) The Greek for “guide” is oikodespotees which means “house-ruler, house despot.” You are supposed to rule your home and children as a benign queen over her realm. The Greek word is very strong conveying the idea of a master, absolute ruler or lord. Titus says the aged women are to teach the young women, among many things, to be “keepers at home.” (Titus 2:5) The Greek is oikouros, “I. to watch the house, to guard, order, govern; 2. to keep within doors, stay at home.” (Liddell-Scott Lexicon)

Don’t expect Jeff to do the work that is assigned to you even if it means you can’ t finish sewing the costumes for the Sunday School entertainment play. By all means, don’t tell Jeff to do anything. If you need his help, ask him in as nice away as possible. Never take him for granted and always let him know that you appreciate what he does for you, but don’t expect him to do your work. In all probability, Jeff will be very cooperative. But if you expect him to do your chores and his help is not forthcoming, you will be continually frustrated.

Let him unwind

When a man arrives home from work, he needs a little “downtime.” Allow him to come in the door, acknowledge his presence with a warm greeting and give him a few minutes to unwind and relax. Let him spend some time with Jason while you put the finishing touches on the meal. A lot of wives don’t even acknowledge their hubbies when they walk in at night and that’s bound to make a man feel pretty unimportant. Such thoughtless habits create an atmosphere of indifference which can lead to bigger and more serious breakdowns in marriage. Why is it we are often rude and harsh to the ones we love the most?

Pick suitable talktime

I know, Julie, that you’ re so eager to talk with Jeff, but give a little thought to talktime. Create ways to make conversations as pleasant and useful as possible. Don’t scare him off with an aggressive approach; try to bait his interest with a friendly non-threatening demeanor. And please don’t lose your famous sense of humor. Men love to hear a funny story. Laughter is disarming and relaxing and can ease the tensions and pressures of life Is the sound of laughter heard in your house very often?

Yes, it is essential to talk things over with Jeff but pick a neutral time to do it. With just one child, dinnertime can offer such an opportunity or when you’re doing after-dinner cleanup. It’s at these times you can unload some concerns and requests.

And we gals must learn how to say things. For example, which sounds better? “Jeff, how many more times am I going to have to tell you to repair the leak in our bedroom ceiling?” or “Honey, I’m afraid if we don’t repair that leak in our bedroom soon, we’re going to have a major repair job on our hands.” By using “we” instead of “you,” we can soften our words and make for more easy listening.

Don’t be houseproud

Speaking of leaks, every homeowner knows that the list of house repairs never ends. The older the house, the longer the list. You’re just starting out, so make a few spiritual decisions about your abode from the beginning. Don’t get trapped in the “house beautiful” competition with peers in the ecclesia.

Some couples will be able to afford very elaborate homes while others must live in more humble houses. Get your priorities straight from the beginning. It’s not the size and beauty of your house that counts, it’s what you do with your home in the Truth. I’ve seen families with small homes in need of repair do lots of entertaining and I’ve also seen huge, immaculate homes go virtually unused in the service of the Lord.

Let Jeff know that you are content with what you can afford. Let him know that your interest is in a spiritual life and not in material goals. Our house always needs repairs and upkeep. We have a list and, apart from emergencies, we get to the jobs as time and money allows. Put your home in its proper perspective. Make it a refuge of warmth and love where the needs of the family and the service of the ecclesia come first and foremost.

Try to see the strengths in your husband. After all, he’s working hard to support you three and he feels the constant pressure to provide for all the needs of his family. I know Jeff loves you very much. Build on that love to strengthen your relationship and your mutual love for the Truth.

With much affection,
Mom