Dear Susan,
I love you, honey, and I want you to be happy today, tomorrow and forever. I know, too, that you really believe the Truth and want more than anything else to be in God’s Kingdom.
So when you write as you do, I can read between the lines. The loneliness you are feeling hurts me. Knowing you as I do, I realize you wouldn’t say anything at all unless you were feeling pretty badly about things.
But, loving you as I do and wanting so much for you to be blessed forever, I simply cannot agree with the approach you suggest of making some friends in the world and hoping one of those relationships will develop into a satisfying partnership for life.
In a nutshell, I have three objections: the upside-downside risks, “friends” and the blessing of God.
The upside-downside consideration sounds like the businessman in me talking. Well, in a way it is, but the Lord frequently applied everyday experiences to make a spiritual point.
Just consider what happened at our printing plant last weekend. We spent $3,000 in overtime wages on the Brown account because they were late with their copy. It was all their fault and they knew it. Normally, we would bill a customer for such charges, but we never have with Brown because they usually are on schedule. This time, however, it was really bad.
What should we do? This is a very important account. Should we just forget the $3 ,000 , hoping it won’t become a regular practice or should we risk making the account angry and bill the overtime? If they were a small customer, the answer would be simple — bill them! If they don’t like it, they can take their work elsewhere. In that case, the downside risk is only losing a small account whereas the upside potential is getting our $3,000 back. But with Brown, the downside risk is losing one of our main jobs, while the upside potential is only getting back $3 ,000 . In one case, the upside potential is $3,000 and the downside risk is small. In the Brown situation, the upside is $3 ,000 , the downside is big.
In my business example, there are no certainties. Brown might pay the $3,000 without a complaint. They might even expect to be billed and feel we are unprofessional in not doing so. While that reaction is not likely, whatever I do involves risk. Yet to me, the consequence of losing Brown is so serious, I must do everything possible to see that it does not happen. We will not bill the overtime.
In your case, the maximum upside potential benefit of cultivating some friends in the world is having a happy family life with a converted person for maybe 50 years. The downside risk is losing eternal life.
Like in my business case, there are no certainties. The upside may not result: you may marry someone from the world who promises to come into the Truth but doesn’t, or who turns out to be unfaithful or abusive, or who leaves youfor another woman. On the downside, you may forego friends in the world and lose eternal life anyway. There are no guarantees.
But the possibilities for avoiding the downside risk are greatly improved if you marry a brother who is devoted to the Truth and who wants you to be saved. The magnitude of the downside, of losing eternal life, is so great you cannot afford to take any unnecessary chances of experiencing it. You only have one opportunity for eternal life and that opportunity is now!
You need to consider, too, that a committed disciple has more than his love for you to motivate him to be faithful, reliable and kind. He must do all these things in obedience to his Lord. Men of the world have a history of being thoughtful, considerate and charming when they are courting a woman but selfish, demanding and even cruel once they have her for a wife. So if you hold out for the right way you could have a happy married life and eternal life. In your case, you could avoid the downside and realize the upside.
Maybe this does not sound too romantic, but did you ever consider that you can learn to love someone? As your Grandpa used to say, “There’s something about a woman that even the homeliest mug soon becomes her dearest jug.” Having watched many a circumstance at work, I see time after time where a woman develops an attraction for a man just because she works closely with him. You may know some brethren who do not immediately set your heart palpitating but who you think would make a godly husband. Maybe you could learn to love one of them. This may not be the way it works in the romance stories, but the downside risk is of such magnitude that you cannot take any unnecessary chance of experiencing it.
You mentioned a “friendship in the world” and interesting our “friends” in God. I realize you are probably using the word “friend” in a loose sense meaning an acquaintance, but there is a very particular way the word is used in Scripture. “Ye are my friends ,if ye do whatsoever I command you;” “what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?” “friendship with the world is enmity with God! whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God” were some Bible phrases that flashed through my head when I read your point.
You used to have friends in school who you spent time with; but as you grew older, the number of such ‘friends” decreased. The reason was that you were going the way of the Truth and they were going the way of the world. The activities, interests, standards and objectives that dominated your life were things which they did not care for so without any formal statement by anyone, you drifted apart.
Now you are proposing to have ‘friends” in the world. You cannot do that and hold to the Truth. We are part of the Lord Jesus Christ and as such, our friends should be those who are his, those who do his commands. If our interests and objectives are the same as the Lord’s, we will find nothing of significance in common with the world. Oh, we will be able to talk of the weather, and our jobs and other incidentals quite easily, but when it comes to the underlying attitude toward life, we will find nothing in common.
At least, we should find nothing in common. However, the flesh being what it is, we can very easily drop down to the world’s level and make them feel quite comfortable in our presence. We can talk in their terms because it is natural for us to do so. Yet it is that very level of fleshliness we must cast aside if we are to be in God’s kingdom.
If you try to be a ‘friend” to someone in the world, you will find it comes easily and naturally. That is precisely the problem. That very process is leading you away from God.
Obviously you will make the acquaintance of various men at worker in the neighborhood. You will be attractive to some and they will seek to pursue a possible relationship with you. When they do, excuse yourself from a formal “date” or whatever by saying you are tied up with an ecclesial activity. If the man is still interested, let him know of your unique interest in the Bible and your affiliation with the Christadelphians. Invite him to attend some ecclesial functions or to participate in Bible study; treat him as an interested contact.
The next steps are critical. Despite any romantic interest you may have, you must treat him as a contact and not a boyfriend until he is baptized. This may be impossible for you; in which case, you may want to let someone else handle his instruction while you see him only at meetings or work. Do not start down the road of courtship until you are convinced he is a sincere disciple; the potential dangers are simply too great to take that risk.
Only if you follow this pattern will your ‘friends” be friends of our Lord Jesus. Only if you pursue such a course will you be putting the preaching of the Truth ahead of the yearnings of your heart.
You mentioned about the Lord not tempting us beyond what we can handle. He won’ t do that but we can. If we want God’s care and blessing, then we’ve got to play the game by His rules. He is the one who has said, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers.” He will provide , but we have to believe in Him and sometimes wait on Him.
I’d hate to say that I was an answer to your mother’s prayers, but the fact of the matter is that she refused to compromise and eventually found in a man, some years younger than herself, a life’s companion.
Maybe you should extend the age range you’re looking at. At your age, somebody fifteen years older or five years younger should not be ruled out. One thing you do not want to do, Susan, is enter into a marriage which does not have God’s favor shining upon it. Married life can bring enormous problems. After all, you have not only your own health to be concerned with but that of your husband and hopefully several children. There is no way you want to be in that circumstance feeling you have defied the God upon whom you rely and to whom you look for safety and provision.
Please be patient! The downside risk is losing eternal life. Don’t deliberately do anything that puts that injeopardy. Make sure your “friends” are friends of the Lord and do everything you can to secure the blessings of God.
I wish I could tell you to do whatever you think best. But I love you enough to want your eternal welfare and that’s why I have written to you in this manner.
With much love,
Dad
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One