Becoming a saint doesn’t happen overnight! We might think that we “automatically” become a saint when we become baptized into Christ, but disciples of Christ are MADE not born, even though we do take on the title of saint at baptism. Discipleship is a series of “conversions” throughout one’s lifetime. (Luke 22:32) Becoming and raising a saint requires great sacrifices and much tribulation. We have been exhorted to expect tribulation and correction, but very often we act surprised that we have found ourselves amidst these very troubles. (John 16:33; Acts 14:22)
The word “saint” is defined as meaning those members or disciples of Christ who continue to aspire to keeping the Lord’s commandments. (Rev. 14:12) Although we take on the title of saint at baptism, oftentimes our training ground began with our early training as children in family life. It is recognized that family life is an important foundation for saints. (Deut. 6:7) This fact should alert us to preparing and instructing ourselves in good family life patterns. As a community, we have neglected specific training to our young couples as they contemplate marriage and the raising of a family. But in the light of so many disrupted marriages and broken homes in the world, which are also creeping into our ecclesial life, we cannot afford to neglect this vital subject. Why not start a program for those planning marriage. A special class by a few brethren might strengthen couples before they unite.
Each of us must study the scriptures regarding the subject of marriage and parenthood. Ephesians, chapters 5 and 6 are a good beginning. By following the positive direction given in the booklet on Christ’s Commandments, we can see how one must behave. If we view the causes of so much pain and hardship in many of the Patriarchs’ family life, we can avoid the negative patterns of destruction and the pitfalls they suffered. (i.e. Abraham’s fear to tell the truth — Gen. 12; Joseph’s brothers murderous jealousy—Gen. 37; Moses’ outburst of anger— Exo. 2; Elijah’s depression— 1 Kings 19).
Many psychiatrists today are beginning to see the value and worth of God’s Word in relation to happy, well-adjusted lives. For the most part though, man relies on man to solve his problems. Solomon, who requested that he be endued with wisdom, studied all the pleasures possible in this life and declared them all to be vanity and vexation of spirit. (Prov. 3:5-8; Ecc. 12:13) Most of us do not deny the value of studying the scripture. (2 Tim. 3:16) Although it is the basic structure of our learning, we also need the fellowship of others to enlighten us, and the experience of others to comfort us. (Gal. 6:2; Phil. 2:1-4) We can also learn from the instruction of our elder members who have been commanded to alert us to these areas. (Tit. 2:1-6) God has provided us with the command to company ourselves with those of like precious faith so that we can help one another along on the way that leads to His Kingdom. (1 Thes. 5:14-15)
There are many good programs and many good books on family life than can enhance our understanding of ourselves and how to improve family life. The greatest problem I find with these helps is that they are often colored with wrong doctrine on first principles, especially in the area of the doctrines of the Trinity and the Holy Spirit. So the danger is that along with the words of worth, we may invite misunderstanding amongst the babes in Christ and our children regarding true doctrine. It is therefore needful that we as a community produce instruction on family life so that we need not rely on outside material.
The Three Basic Needs
We have stated that the Bible is the basic textbook for our understanding family life. It is a book of psychology, instructing us how to think and behave. Psychology is “the science of mind and behavior.” Psychologists tell us that the basic needs of man are these: 1) love 2) understanding, and 3) acceptance. These three are also basic needs for good family life.
God has extended to us His love in giving His only begotten Son to die for our sins. He has shown us understanding in providing Christ as our Mediator who underwent the same trials that beset us. God has lifted us up with His bestowal of mercy, grace and forgiveness, accepting us when we are undeserving sinners. Here is the pattern! God’s pattern for our family life is to extend love, to show understanding, to encourage and to uplift family members and others with acceptance.
Learned Patterns Affect Life
All of us have learned our pattern of living from somewhere. Our good and bad habits have come from basic traits and behaviors shown to us as children. We must recognize that our temperament and environment has influenced what we are as adults. We also know too, that through Christ, we need not stay the way we are. Adverse temperaments and environmental influences can be changed! We cannot excuse our behavior because of the past. Christ tells us that He will give us the strength to overcome our faults and develop into new creatures! (2 Cor. 5:17) We are to be transformed. (Rom. 12:2; Phil. 4:13)
If we have learned three of the destructive patterns of sin . . . fear, anger, and negative thinking, then it is time to recognize and label these as sin and learn new behavior patterns. No one can ever be free totally from the above traits, due to our inherited weakness to sin, but we can learn how to overcome and pass on to our families the way of changing bad habits.
What Causes Fear?
The first reaction to the sin in the Garden of Eden was fear. Adam said he was afraid and hid himself from God. (Gen. 3:8-10) When we disobey any law, we feel like hiding and not facing up to it. It stands to reason then, that the more we OBEY God, the less fearful we will become.
Likewise, in raising children to become saints, we will recognize that they become fearful when they have disobeyed our commands. They may express this fear in acts of withdrawal, depression, haughtiness, or anger. Children are often surprised when we know that they have disobeyed. But disobedience often shows in their countenance and behavior patterns.
Children who have been over-protective parents often become self-centered and fearful of imaginary things that might happen to them. They grow up worrying about themselves in excess. On the other hand, angry, explosive parents who dominate their children in every aspect, generally create hesitancy, insecurity, and fear in them to be self-sufficient.
Some causes of fear are: temperament, childhood experience, a traumatic experience, negative thinking, anger, sin, lack of faith, selfishness and pride. Most causes of fear are learned behaviors. That means that the children are fearful because the parents were fearful. Some expressions of fear are: anxiety, doubt, timidity, indecision, superstition, withdrawal, loneliness, over aggression, worry, inferiority, cowardice, suspicion, hesitancy, depression, haughtiness, and social shyness.
Fearful traumatic experiences often need a great deal of understanding. Children may never overcome them entirely. An attack by a dog, almost drowning, or a bad accident can cause emotional scars that hamper normal behavior from then on.
Negative thinking many times results from having an overly critical parent. The child soon believes the parents remarks of “dummy,” “you’re stupid” and the like until he begins to repeat these thoughts to himself, “I can’t, I’m dumb, I’m stupid.” Encouragement and acknowledgement for things well done can counteract criticism. Parental disapproval is very devastating to children. They take it as a personal rejection of themselves, not for what they have done. It is very important when discipline a child that he recognizes exactly why he is being punished. If there is no explanation, the child will believe that they are not liked, not that his behavior was at fault.
“Perfect love casteth out fear” (I John 4:18) If we give and show the basic need of LOVE, the above expressions of fear can disappear. One article remarked that as human beings we need eleven hugs a day to combat the stress and fears we have.
What Causes Anger?
One psychologist states that all emotional tension can be traced to one of two things; anger or fear. Emotionally, anger stifles the rich emotion of love. When grudges and bitterness are left to dwell within the mind, the free-flowing expressions of the warmth and healing power of love, dies. God told us not to let the sun go down upon our wrath. Seek forgiveness early, settle disputes before you go to bed at night. The moment a man begins hating a man, he becomes that man’s slave. He no longer thinks about much else; his resentments build into plans for getting revenge which take up most of his thought processes. (Rom. 12:17-21) There is little room left for God. Things that once gave pleasure, no longer do. We are commanded to leave recompense to God and be reconciled to our brother. (Matt. 5:24)
Proverbs tells us not to make friends with an angry man, lest we learn his ways. (Prov. 22:24) If we are angry parents, we will raise angry children. We may not recognize some of our behaviors as anger-produced. Anger takes many forms and disguises. Here are sixteen: bitterness, malice, clamor, envy, resentment, intolerance, criticism, revenge, wrath, hatred, sedition, jealousy, attack, gossip, sarcasm, and unforgiveness. None of us have escaped the sin of anger. Those who practice this sin are not pleasant to be around.
Physically, anger takes a great toll. Our entire body is intricately tied up with our nervous system. Whenever our nervous system becomes tense through either fear or anger, it adversely affects one or more parts of our body. When the emotional center of a man is normal, then the function of the entire body will be normal. We can literally kill ourselves with anger! (Prov. 4:23) (Psa. 38)
A High Price For Anger
The highest price paid for harboring anger is what it does to our spiritual well being. When we grieve the holy Spirit, we limit God’s work in us and we no longer walk in light, but in darkness. (Eph. 4:29-32) We cannot profess to love God, and hate our brother at the same time. (I John 2:9-11; 4:20) The basic cause of being angry is an ugly word . . . selfishness . We love to excuse our weaknesses and indulge in grudges and bitterness because it usually stems from the feeling that someone violated our rights. We can refuse to seek understanding and confront the problem because we are too selfish to give up the “better than thou” feelings against someone else. But just as love begets love, and we sow what we reap, we will soon have anger on our doorstep. Giving in to anger teaches our children to do so. Children often take their anger out on their toys, pets, or siblings. We must label anger as the awful sin it is. (Ept. 4:26-32) Teenagers can demonstrate
this powerful display of anger by erratic driving, drinking, drugs or sex. By then it has become an ugly habit and extremely hard to overcome. The second basic need of man. . . Understanding, can greatly help anger. When there is a problem, if the parties involved will sit down and talk and not stop until both sides feel they are understood, anger can subside. Communication thwarts anger. But the best way to make sure the other side understands us, is to have them repeat back to us their interpretation of our words until we agree they know what we mean. Anger destroys relationships, understanding binds them. (Psa. 139:13; Prov. 24:2-4; Prov. 14:29; Phil. 4:14)
What Causes Depression?
Indulging in the sins of fear and anger often leads one to depression. A child suffering the negative remarks of parents soon has a poor self-image which also leads to depression. Depression is not just an emotional state, but the result of a particular thinking pattern. It, too, takes a heavy physical toll.
Here are some of the results of depression: gloom and pessimism; apathy and fatigue; hypochondria; loss of productivity; irritability; Withdrawal. A depressed person is not sought out by his friends . . . although that is exactly what he needs . . . Acceptance not rejection. His behavior turns people off. We do not seek the company of the depressed in spirit, but the lighthearted. Thus a depressed person becomes a lonely individual. If you are raising saints, you will want to instill in them the positive thinking of the truth, joyful outlooks on life which mean YOU will have to think and act that way! (Prov. 15: 13; 17:22)
Depressed children can easily sit and watch T.V. all day or sleep. Generally they never take part in many activities, but remain spectators. They usually have few friends. It takes a great deal of energy to be angry all day, worried all night, and fear dominated most of the time. Therefore, depressed people are generally tired with no desire to do much of anything. If you recognize the above traits in your children, perhaps they have not been getting enough of the three basic needs . . . love, understanding, and acceptance.
All of us need a sense of accomplishment, a feeling of well-being or self-worth. If we have not set goals to work toward, we will become apathetic and vitality will be sapped. Children need goals and accomplishments too. They need to know they are valued and needed. We do not give out chores in the household just to get them done, or to keep children busy, but to instill in them the fact that all must work together for the well-being of all. Everyone is needed in this life, not just physically, but in sharing times, in their opinions and especially in the encouragement and love they can give to others.
Depressed children need to know why they feel so bad and how to change their feelings. They must know they can come to their parents and receive a fair hearing even when they have made a mistake. The best verse for the depressed to memorize is Philippians 3:13-14. forgetting what is past, and pressing forward to the goal set before us.
Summary
If we are going to raise saints for God’s Kingdom, our first step is to become one ourselves! Apply the commandments of Christ to our behavior and it will be followed in our children’s life. Our example as parents, leaders in the ecclesia, or teachers in the Sunday School are always being recorded by the eyes of someone. We must overcome these sins of fear, anger and depression with the basic principles of love, understanding and acceptance. That is God’s way, and it must become ours. Great sacrifices and tribulation go into the making of a saint. A child raised without the expressions of love with hugging and comforting never learns to extend that to others. The child raised with a lack of understanding shows little compassion or listening ability to others. And the child who has endured rejection instead of acceptance has little chance of ever believing that he can be loved, understood and accepted by God! The training ground is your own home. May your task become a little bit easier as you practice these basic needs. May you show more love and greater understanding with lots of acceptance so that your family will be stronger, your marriage richer, and then the ecclesial family of God will become the place of peace and refuge it should. (1 Peter 3:8-11)
The Origin of the Organic World – Part One